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Why don't I want to have sex?

I have 3 year old twins and a nin month old. The baby sleeps through the night and is a wonderful baby so I'm not tired or exhausted. I did have ppd bad with my twins to this time I started taking Zoloft immediately so it wouldn't become a problem. My issue is that I have absolutely no interest in sex. I love my husband more than ever and want to be physically close like cuddling and stuff but don't want to have sex. And another problem is that when I do give him hugs or try to cuddle he thinks its a green light for sex. We have had sex twice since the baby was born in March and both times it was only because I felt obligated to do it. Also I really didn't like my body after baby was born, but I'm getting better about it since I have dropped 30 pounds. I have talked to hubby and he understands, but I feel bad and like a bad wife. Has anyone else felt this way? What should I do?


Asked by Anonymous at 6:25 PM on Dec. 11, 2009 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (12)
  • Wow it sounds like you are describing the relationship between me and my dh. Ok so here's my view on way having kids makes mothers not want it. I think it's because people naturally crave human contact , but when you have kids and you send all day holding and cuddling them, that need is meet, but when the husband gets home he still has that need, but the woman doesn't. Strange I know but that's what I came up with.

    Answer by Liz132 at 8:03 PM on Dec. 11, 2009

  •  Zoloft could definitely be the problem. One of the symptoms is no sex drive.


    Answer by jblueeyes228 at 6:28 PM on Dec. 11, 2009

  • You are not alone. I feel the exact same way! I only have one child (3 yr old, very active little boy). And i have completely no sex drive. Even though i want to cuddle up to my husband, i dont want to give him the impression that i want to have sex, so i try to avoid it. Ive been on medication for depression and it didnt help. Sex just feels like an obligation or a chore. Other than the problem being hormones, i dont know what else it could be!

    Answer by MirandaLacy at 6:34 PM on Dec. 11, 2009

  • It's the joy of motherhood,
    We need to put ourselves in the mood.
    Dinner for 2, a night out for 2, a night away just for the 2 of you and bring that old mood back into your life.
    I'm the same way as you but I have to put myself in the mood and it's slowly coming back.
    Do yourself up hair,nails whatever it takes to make you feel a little sexy.
    My husband and I have a 2 night stay planned over xmas in Ireland and my family will mind the kids so hopefully It'll help things along for us:)
    Don't give up lol ;)

    Answer by laika at 6:40 PM on Dec. 11, 2009

  • Believe me, you're not the only one... My son is 15 months, and I think we've had sex twice since he was born, heh. He wasn't an easy baby though, and since my SO works the late shift (he's a chef), I'm the one taking care of our son on a daily basis, and by the time he gets home, I'm fast asleep. And even though sometimes I think "we really should try to have sex", then I start thinking about having to stay up till he gets home, and then having to get out of bed afterwards to clean up, and it just doesn't seem worth it, heh. Thankfully, he's feeling pretty much the same way, so he doesn't pressure me in any way. Still, it bugs me, especially because my sex drive used to be through the roof.... And for the record, I'm not on any kind of medication.

    Answer by Anouck at 6:56 PM on Dec. 11, 2009

  • Me tooo!!!! Before children (B.C.) we went at it @ least twice a day & like 4-5 times on the weekend, I couldn't get enough!!!! Got pregnant & was sick, puking, the whole time. Now dd's 7 mo & I could give 2 shit's less bout sex. Don't feel sexy, exhausted & hubby's an ass so.... Oh yea, I used to masterbate all the time & that's gone now too, just don't feel like it. I guess its a hormone change after kids. Feel like its an obligation every time we go @ it & really don't care if we ever do it again.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:58 PM on Dec. 11, 2009

  • Low to no sex drive is usually a side effect of psychotropics and/or low estrogen levels. Talk with both your psychiatrist and doctor. Also, always remember that lust will not keep, something must be done about it. I found out it in marital counseling that most women make the mistake of thinking that sex is a tool they use to either reward or punish their husbands with. This is incorrect thinking. Sex is a part of the marital agreement, or property as it were and should not be withheld but given freely. Men are more physical than women and if denied, will go elsewhere quiet kept.


    Answer by Ewadun at 6:59 PM on Dec. 11, 2009

  • Ewadun, are you serious??? If my man goes elsewhere just because I don't feel like having sex, he can just STAY gone! Relationships are about more than just sex, jeez! I don't think sex is a tool, but I also don't think it's a woman's "job" to put out when she doesn't feel like it... Then again, I also don't believe men are necessarily more physical than women, because I can assure you that my sex drive (pre-baby) was MUCH higher than my SO's. Yet I never forced him to have sex when HE didn't feel like it, either.

    Answer by Anouck at 7:04 PM on Dec. 11, 2009

  • I agree w/ Ewadun & think that's why alot of married men cheat, they aren't getting the attention they need from their wifes so they find it else where. They don't see it the same as women, for them its just the physical act & there's no or little emotional attachment, not the case for women. There's alot of truth in the old saying "there's not enough blood to run both heads @ once. One of my concerns since hubby & I are going thru a dry spell but he's more faithful than most so.... I don't know if I even care @ this point. I don't wanna sleep w/ him & he comes home every night & all the $ comes to our fam so.... I guess as long as I didn't know about it right now I wouldn't care. Now mind you, I have informed him if he ever cheats I'll bash his head in w/ the cast iron frying pan lol. Guess I just don't care right now.

    Answer by Nyx7 at 7:17 PM on Dec. 11, 2009

  • This is a common side effect of the Zoloft. If you don't normally need an anti depressant and just have taken them for ppd then maybe no at 9 months post partum you can come off of the meds. You should discuss the need for Zoloft at this point and/or the possibility for a different med with less side effects.

    Answer by ThrivingMom at 7:48 PM on Dec. 11, 2009