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ok so if my husbands son that he has not seeing in like 4 yrs has a father figure in his life for about 3 or 4 years and he is only 9 is there a possibility that he will not want to see his bio dad which is my dh? or is there a chance to get him to c my dh as his dad? has anyone experience something familiar?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:59 PM on Dec. 11, 2009 in General Parenting

Answers (8)
  • My half-sister was like 6th grade when she met my dad and they still have a relationship. Not a great one but they occassionally speak.

    I don't know, it will depend on the kid. I personally don't think that biology makes the dad, but if the other man is raising him, he may just feel like that is his dad but he had a biological dad too.
    heatheryn

    Answer by heatheryn at 9:02 PM on Dec. 11, 2009

  • You will never know until you try. The child will always think dad abandoned him bc he didn't want him if he doesn't at least try and let the boy see he does care and is trying to build a relationship. The boy is 9 not 29 so do it now and don't wait until he's a man and may be too late. Remember that kids are very forgiving bc they want their parents to love them. If the boy is shy at first (or even angry) let it go. He's dealing with feelings and as a child he doesn't know how to explain them so have dad to be patient.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 9:11 PM on Dec. 11, 2009

  • From my experience, no. Our son is 13, hasn't seen bio-dad in over 7 yrs... My Husband is his Dad now and our son doesn't want anything to do with the bio-dad. I would leave him alone and maybe talk to the Mom and see how she feels about it, afterall she's been there all this time, it would be up to her anyway.
    MrsLeftlane

    Answer by MrsLeftlane at 9:13 PM on Dec. 11, 2009

  • My son is 9. He has seen been around his bio dad in a few years. He looks at my dh as his dad. However, he still wants to be around or questions about his bio dad. He says "d is my dad but G is my father."
    Dani32

    Answer by Dani32 at 9:15 PM on Dec. 11, 2009

  • I think it depends on the child and the adults around him. I would expect his mother to be very mad if your husband were to try to come back into his life and his son would probably be very confused and wonder why he has gone so long without seeing him. I am facing the same thing with my dh and stepson except his son just turned 4 and he hasn't seen him since he was 6 months old (before he saw him this july-aug then not again.) I do send him mail and bday and xmas presents though to keep in touch because he loves us and our 3 year old. If you do try to create a relationship, I would try to be very sensitive toward everyone's feelings including the stepdad because he has done a lot of work to have his relationship with the child mean nothing in a court.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:28 PM on Dec. 11, 2009

  • If he has a father figure, then he doesn't really need another. You can ask him how he feels about seeing his biological dad but there's no point if the boy is happy without him. A new person coming in (especially someone who tries to be your parent) is a huge stress. I met my biological father when I was 16 and there was just no way to make a relationship after that long. He saw himself as my dad and believe he had rights and say over me. I saw him as a stranger and a jerk who wouldn't stop pushing for something that we just didn't have. (hugs, lots of time together, calling him "daddy", etc) He had drinking and drug problems as well. He died a few months ago and the odd "relationship" we had made his death very hard on me. I agree that you have to consider step-dad. He earned his place and should be respected for it.
    jus1jess

    Answer by jus1jess at 11:46 PM on Dec. 11, 2009

  • My DH's father left when DH was 7. Sometimes he wonders if he should find him, or not. Then other days he thinks that the guy is an arse for leaving his kids and never trying to contact them.

    Depends on the day and child.
    Kenre

    Answer by Kenre at 6:19 AM on Dec. 12, 2009

  • First let me give my personal experience. My mother left my bio dad while pregnant and another man rasied me from the time I was 6 months old. I did not know until I was 13 he wasn't my bio dad. He died when I was 18 and when I was 24 my bio dad contacted me and asked to speak with me. 6 years later and I have a great relationship with my bio dad, but I do not consider him my "dad" really. He is my children's grandpa though.

    That being said your DH was around until this child was 5 years old I am guessing from what you posted and now the child is 9 years old and hasn't seen his father. He obviously knows the guy raising him is not his bio dad. My worry is why has your DH not been around for 4 years and regardless of his actual reason what has the mother told the child? It can't hurt to contact the child, but don't get our hopes up about a relationship.
    aeneva

    Answer by aeneva at 8:23 AM on Dec. 12, 2009

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