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My husband has been a selfish jerk lately. What can I do?

He's always been a gamer. Fine, whatever, but he comes home from work, gives our daughter a hug and a couple minutes of his time (all but ignoring me), and gets on the computer to play. I'm lucky if I get him off of there in time for dinner, and then he's right back on. I do bedtime EVERY night, all naps and baths. I teach a childbirth education class and every time I leave for it, he's playing and every time I come home he's playing, leaving our daughter to fend for herself. I asked him to make a point to telling me hello and giving me a kiss when he comes home and I have to ask for it still.

I got upset this morning and he just kept playing for another 30 minutes. We got literally 15 minutes of his time before he had to go to work, and we were all up 3 hrs before he had to go. He apologized for making me upset and I said that I want him to be sorry for not spending tme with us, not for making me upset. CONT

 
Ati_13

Asked by Ati_13 at 12:46 PM on Dec. 12, 2009 in Relationships

Level 24 (21,184 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • Sorry this is reality, but they do grow out of it eventually.
    Decide your not going to do the bedtime routine, and tell him he's going to do it for a change while you take a break.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:47 PM on Dec. 12, 2009

  • CONT

    I told him I feel like he doesn't know his daughter and he got all defensive and angry and left.

    I'm not alright with this and I am SICK AND FUCKING TIRED of having to be upset about this shit before he cares one iota that he hasn't given us the time of day. If I never said anything he would never get off the goddamn computer.

    It goes in cycles like this. He will do this until I start throwing a fit and then be a perfect model father and husband for a few months.

    What can I do? I don't want to live the rest of my life with this bullshit!
    Ati_13

    Answer by Ati_13 at 12:50 PM on Dec. 12, 2009

  • I have a similar situation but with other issues. I haven't found a solution to the cycle. However, my husband and I are gamers too (playing is not our issue). What games is your husband playing? Is it something like WoW were you can lock him out of it or have a timer on it? Tell him to compromise or you have to walk. Sometimes it is the hard truth.
    purpleducky

    Answer by purpleducky at 12:53 PM on Dec. 12, 2009

  • I divorced my husband over your exact issue. The only thing I can say is, don't have a second child with him! I did and it was even harder with 2 little girls. I left after 9 years of marriage and even though we've been divorced for 6 years, he has been with his current gf for 3 years and is starting to pull the same crap with her. They really don't change. The sad part is I really enjoyed his family members so that was hard to part from. Good Luck!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:01 PM on Dec. 12, 2009

  • Anon, divorce is not the answer here. And too late, I'm 6 weeks pregnant with #2.

    Purpleducky, it is a lot of games. The last few weeks it's been WoW. Before that it was Left 4 Dead. He plays a lot of different games, and honestly, that's FINE. But he's so preoccupied with them that he barely pays attention to his daughter and DOESN'T pay attention to his wife.
    Ati_13

    Answer by Ati_13 at 1:06 PM on Dec. 12, 2009

  • He may have an addiction. He may need profesional help with this. http://www.video-game-addiction.org/
    The best thing for you to do at this point is to NOT enable him. Talk to a third party so you can have an outlet and continous advice. If divorce is not an answer for you then you def. will need to get outside help. Good luck.
    IzzeAddy

    Answer by IzzeAddy at 1:10 PM on Dec. 12, 2009

  • Ask him to use the timer option on WoW or to use a kitchen timer. Tell him he had sex so now he has to help with the children he created. Tell him he needs to man up or get out. Sometimes people just need a switch kick in the ass. If it doesn't work, stop asking him to do stuff and making him dinner and stuff. Tell him if he isn't going to be part of the family you aren't going to take care of him.
    purpleducky

    Answer by purpleducky at 1:10 PM on Dec. 12, 2009

  • I don't know about them not changing. It took my husband nearly 10 years of us being together and him doing them same thing to finally grow up and see what he had in front of him. Granted we had a huge unrelated fight Jan. of this year that has brought us closer. But I had told him some stuff that made him understand what I was wanting from him and what he was doing that was causing harm to the relationship. Of course it could be that I just gave up and started to do my own thing and then when he wanted to spend time I didn't so now he wants it all the time, cuz he knows that I'm not going to be there when He wants my attention. See what I am saying? He would ignore me and the kids until he wanted to have something to do with us and I was all to willing to go along. Until I stopped, is when he changed.

    soonmommyof3

    Answer by soonmommyof3 at 1:12 PM on Dec. 12, 2009

  • I've been in a similar situation and the ONLY thing that saved my relationship after countless huge fights over it is sitting him down and explaining why I feel the way I do. Normally I would attack and say, "You never do this. You never do that!" and he would feel the need to get defensive. If you sit him down and say, "You're probably not trying to do this but you need to know how it makes me feel regardless." After that, try to set some limits of what can be 'his computer time'. If that doesn't work, threaten to walk. If THAT doesn't wake him up then he honestly deserves to rot away with his games. He is missing out on valuable time with you guys!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:13 PM on Dec. 12, 2009

  • Anon :13, I've done that before. I've tried calmly sitting down and talking over and over again. I've tried telling him "I feel" and "I would like it iif.." and it's gotten me nowhere.

    I don't want to have to set limits. I don't want to set a timer and chide him when time's up. I don't want to remind him to tell me hello. I don't want to have to ask him to spend time with his family. That's bullshit. He's a grown man and should be able to regulate his own time.
    Ati_13

    Answer by Ati_13 at 1:18 PM on Dec. 12, 2009