Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Will a Man Ever Change If He is ABUSIVE? My husband and I have had issues over the last 8 years and mainly because he does not know how to keep his hands to himself.

He spent time in prison for this and says it will never happen again, but i have heard it all before. Does prison wake a guy up or is it a lost cause?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 2:24 PM on Dec. 12, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (19)
  • Im not sure what prison does to anyone, but I do know(from personal experience) that once they beat you they always will.



    Answer by sugahmamma at 2:32 PM on Dec. 12, 2009

  • I'm sorry you had to go through all of this.. I really hate saying this because i do believe that everyone deserves second chances, but violence is horrible and some people just can't stop. Did he only do it to you once or is this ongoing? because if its happened more then once im sure you have heard more then once that will be the last time and it never is... im so sorry

    Answer by maybebaby83 at 2:35 PM on Dec. 12, 2009

  • It started after our first year together he use to get drunk on wiskey and just blow up for no reason. Then after the kids it didn't happen for a while, then it started again just no wiskey this time. I moved away and took the kids for almost two years and he talked me into coming back. Since he got out he has been calmer and we have only had two altercations, but will it not happen again? I think I know the answer it always happens again right? I just love him so much and I know I do not deserve this but when he is nice he is the kindest most gentelest man. He is a great dad to the kids and I hate to take him away from them because they will blame me. I know you are right, I just do not know how to let go How do I end it and let him go and not have my kids hate me for the rest of my life?

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:43 PM on Dec. 12, 2009

  • by the way we have been together almost 8years in May it will be 8

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:44 PM on Dec. 12, 2009

  • Nope. Jail time does NOT change them. My ex was abusive and he went to jail for domestic assault & battery, threatening to committ a crime (murder), and kidnapping. He had people in jail threatening him for what he did to always happened again no matter what happened. He went through counseling, a batterer's program, he was on medication. Men who are abusive do not ever change, in fact they only get worse. I'm sorry honey, I know you probably love him, but they only get worse and if you don't leave, it will either continue to happen your whole life...or he will end up killing you. If I hadn't left my ex, I know I would be dead by now, or close to it. He beat me while I was pregnant with our daughter...and you ask how do you end it and not have your kids hate you? When they are old enough to understand, you tell them the truth about their father and they will understand. You're putting them in danger by staying...

    Answer by michellelee3708 at 2:55 PM on Dec. 12, 2009

  • I hate to tell you but statistically he will hit you again, maybe anger management counseling? I am just curious if he spent time in PRISON for battering you why do you even care to risk your life and/or your childrens? I know they say love conquers all, but never have seen an abuser "get well" A great DAD does not smack their mother around, and trust me it is a matter of time before they are next!! I am so angry that you don't feel your WORTH more than somebody's punching bag!! It;s kind of like saying I never get any food, all month, but the day I do, it is the best meal ever! Did you see this as a child? My heart breaks for your kids because this is what they are learning men should do to women, good luck, wake up and I will pray for you! My SIL is a social worker, and is quitting because she just went and put another set of kids into the foster care system, because the DAD killed the mom!! Is that what you want?

    Answer by kimigogo at 2:57 PM on Dec. 12, 2009

  • You should sit down, preferably with a third neutraal party, and talk to him about seeking counseling. If he is not willing to seek counseling to control his abusive tendnecies, this is how it will most likely go: things are great, then something sets him oof and he gets violent. He apologizes and says it will never happen again. Things go back to great. Something sets him off again...Eventually the period between the remorse phase and the abuse phase shrinks, until there is no longer a real remorse phase. Then the remorse phase vanishes, and there is only the abuse. Grim, but true in most cases where the victim stays and the abuser does not change. If he doesn't think he needs help, you should take the kids and leave before you become the one needing help. You can tell you kids in that situation that you did all you could, but some things you just can't fix. The details would be up to you on how much you tell them.

    Answer by preacherskid at 2:58 PM on Dec. 12, 2009

  • I ran out of room, you just leave, call someone, go somewhere get the HELL out of there, you won't get a choice on what happens to your kiddos if you leave in a body bag, I am sorry to be harsh but honestly you must take care of yourself!!!

    Answer by kimigogo at 3:00 PM on Dec. 12, 2009

  • Your kids will NOT blame you for taking them away from a man that hits you. You don't want them growing up thinking that abuse is normal and okay. You've answered your own question. You DON'T deserve this, he WILL do it again, and you need to leave ASAP for your's and your children's sake. The next time he does it could possibly be the last, don't allow it. Get out of there please. If you need to talk, or need help, please don't hesitate to IM me. I know I'm a stranger, but my heart breaks for you and your children. Nobody deserves to endure what you have.

    Answer by nicolemstacy at 3:14 PM on Dec. 12, 2009

  • You guys are very blunt and supportive, but my kids did blame me. I left for a year and a half almost two years. I know I am crazy for hoping against hope that maybe it will change. My kids never see anything thank goodness for that. The only time my oldest did see it stopped him cold. I want to get him help he grew up with it. He learned it from his father and I want to get him help so bad. I do not want the kids to go through this. I went through this as a child but not from watching my parents I went through it because my sister beat me on a daily basis. He has never got that bad. I sit here and want to defend him and I don't know why. I need to talk I need to get it out 8 years is a long time, everyone here says I will end up dead, if he hasn't killed me yet why would he? How do I get him help? It is something wrong with him something should be able to be done I know I am wasting my breathe but I want him to get better

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:30 PM on Dec. 12, 2009

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.