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what would you do in my situation? leave or stay

I am a 29 married mother of 4, ages 9,3,22mths and 2 1/2 mths.

we have been married 2 years.. He told me yesterday that a month before we got married, he slept with his ex girlfriend a couple times while away a job trip... He is a music producer and he is a little younger than me, 26. Even though he said this was two years, I must say i do not trust him at all, because of situation we had before.... I must say, he indeed has come along way, but this disturbes me because at the time he went away, i was pregnant with my 3rd child.... this is a girl i had issues with before and according to him, he does not even talk to her over the phone... He said he did not want to mention it, because he is changed now and he knew if he told me, i would leave... he also stated he was concerned as to what i would do because i am not strong enough to hear the truth... He thought i would do something crazy like burn the house down

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spals

Asked by spals at 10:17 PM on Dec. 12, 2009 in Relationships

Level 1 (0 Credits)
Answers (9)
  • do you love eachother? do you think he's changed for the better? I think marriage is sacred and meant to last forever. He cheated and that's a huge no no, especially when children are involved. If you feel that you can trust him, then stay. maybe you guys can go through counseling or if youre religious, your pastor, priest or elder. If he's just telling you out of the blue, maybe he has changed and just wants to be honest.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:23 PM on Dec. 12, 2009

  • hmmm... I would probably leave cuz i don't tolerate cheating, but some people can get over it. Can you get over it? Can you handle it? If the answer is yes then work it out.
    lowencope

    Answer by lowencope at 10:24 PM on Dec. 12, 2009

  • It sounds like he's penitent - that's he's telling you because it's bugging his conscience, and he wants to be clean of it...And, to be honest, I see it a little differently because the offense was done before he actually made his wedding vows to you - meaning so far, he's actually been true to his vows.

    So in reality - what would happen with me is I would feel angry and betrayed, my trust would need some rebuilding, and I'd probably want to chat with my religious leader or a marriage counselor.

    But knowing that we have kids to raise together and marital vows, which technically haven't been violated, I wouldn't be walking out the door just yet.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:32 PM on Dec. 12, 2009

  • It really depends on more than just that.Since he's told you he's prob trying to clear his conscience and wants to be true to you; I think that's good. I would be hurt but I don't think I'd leave. In fact, I'm pretty positive I wouldn't. However, if he continuously cheated on you since that time I would prob feel differently about the situation. I would let him know (calmly) that it hurt and you need his support and help getting over it because it's not something to be taken lightly. I wouldn't tell him you can't trust him because that would prob cause more problems. And in his head he told you so that he could be honest and if it in turn causes you to not trust him he may feel like he can't come to you again if he messes up.
    heartfrommyson

    Answer by heartfrommyson at 10:49 PM on Dec. 12, 2009

  • PP That is bullshit! OP you need to let him know that he broke a HUGE Trust barrier and its up to only HM to fix the trust he lost between you by his cheating! Of course you have to give him the benefit of the doubt or you will just start a vicious cycle. On another note he had sex with someone else while you were pregnant with NO REGARD of that precious baby you were carrying! YOu could have giving you a STD and in return hurt your BABY! I for one would not stand for that.

    soonmommyof3

    Answer by soonmommyof3 at 11:03 PM on Dec. 12, 2009

  • I would get into counciling, if he won't go wiith you then go alone. You're going to need some help moving past this, whether or not you stay
    gypsymama532

    Answer by gypsymama532 at 11:29 PM on Dec. 12, 2009

  • and yet he told you anyway. i hope u have fire insurance. it was b 4 u got married. get over it
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:31 PM on Dec. 12, 2009

  • I would leave his ass kids or no kids. He doesn't respect you for shit. He told you does that make it any better?

    It is like saying "I killed the trust in our marriage but since I told you, then it is all okay." Don't get mad, get everything. Take his ass to court, ask for child support and don't burn the house, sell it and don't let him see a dime of it. He is so freaking sure you will put up with his crap that he thinks you are so darn weak you will do something stupid. Freaking asshole, show him that what he thinks he knows about you is completely wrong. be a strong role model for your kids that you don't put up with crap, divorce him and take him for any penny he is worth. You and your kids deserve better. If you stay after he told you, he will just cheat on you again because there is no consequence, he knows you will put up with his crap.
    bebita

    Answer by bebita at 12:06 AM on Dec. 13, 2009

  • I honestly would say it depends. Do you feel like this is a pattern or a single event? Do you feel like his love for you is in question or he just can't control his stupid penis? I would consider all that when making my decision. On one hand you don't want your children to grow and think a bad marriage is a place you should stay but at the same time you can't just quit when it gets hard. If you think that he truly loves and this was a single laps in judgment then i would try to work things out. We have to remember as women we get the short end of the stick men will never be as smart, as composed, as in control of their bodies as we are, they're their brains are too small and don't work on the right wave length.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:44 AM on Dec. 13, 2009

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