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Would You Spank as a last resort?

My sd is 12 and the biggest challenge I have ever encountered a child to be. She got mad at me Saturday because I told her to wait till her dad got home before leaving for the mall with her friends. This started a argument with her and she broke the mirror in the living room and kicked a hole in her door and called me a name that I cannot repeat here. I relayed this info to dh when he came home and he went to talk with her, well she started it up with him too, which is unusual because it normally is just with me.
She had some choice swear words for him too and was having an all out tantrum and threw a bunch of her things across the wall. At this point dh smacked her twice, not really hard , to get her attention. This is something he never did before, he says he feels so bad about it and because of this he gave her no further punishment at all, which means she got away with it. Has anyone dealt with something similar before?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 3:20 PM on Dec. 15, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

Answers (10)
  • Smacking was NOT spanking but even spanking in my opinion is wrong especially at her age. She is tormented by hormones and is dealing with a lot and now dad hit her? That's awful. She's probably confused as to why she is behaving like this and instead of you as a family discussing it with her she gets hit. She needs a hug and some understanding and education. Take her to the doctor and let the doctor explain hormones to her if you and dad can't.

    Answer by admckenzie at 3:23 PM on Dec. 15, 2009

  • i dont agree with the the smacking out of anger, but we spank our kids, for punishment, there is a fine line of right from wrong with this one, and i feel it is really between each family where that line is. i can say that my kids will NEVER swear or ruin things around the house, and not be punished for it!! Im in my late 20's now, and still scared to cus or do wrong around my parents lol. good luck and hope things get more peaceful around your house!

    Answer by skennedy_82 at 3:24 PM on Dec. 15, 2009

  • In my mind, spanking sends a child the message that hitting and violence solve problems.

    That said, your stepdaughter's actions are way beyond those of an obnoxious, unruly teen. Please have her parents get her professional help before someone gets seriously injured.

    Answer by rkoloms at 3:34 PM on Dec. 15, 2009

  • i agree with admckenzie. and to add to that, if you show your children agression, they are going to be aggressive.

    Answer by PURPULbutterfly at 3:34 PM on Dec. 15, 2009

  • If I slipped and hit my child I would not give hugs. I would tell the child I should not have hit them. The child would know that. Then I would deal with the issues at hand like I would have if I hadn't hit the child. I would not feel guiltly. In this case she was behaving in a way that almost all parents would hit her.

    My oldest son remembers I hit him as a teen. Neither of us remembers what it was over but when he talks about it he always says he knows he deserved it. It's almost like he is proud he did get hit once.

    I was raised being hit often. Hitting can be a reflex. I only hit my oldest twice and I consider that great! It may be even better than never. Never may have been too perfect.

    Answer by Gailll at 3:35 PM on Dec. 15, 2009

  • She's too old to be spanked. And she's too old to be getting away with that type of behavior. You dh should apologize to her for hitting her, and then dole out the discipline. If she's throwing things in her room, everything she has should be moved out of her room (including her clothes - leave her 2-3 outfits) until she shows enough responsibility to earn them back. If she kicks her door, take it off the hinges.
    I would also ground my daughter for a minimum 2-4 weeks - and I mean going nowhere (except school), no ipod, no phone, no nothing.

    Answer by missanc at 3:59 PM on Dec. 15, 2009

  • I agree with missanc. I would also have the child find a babysitting job or something that she can earn a few dollars at to pay for the repair or replacement of the things she damaged or broke. If this isn't possible, I'd work something out with DH and her mother to take care of the expense. Your SD can't be allowed to act this way and think she'll get away with it!

    Answer by Robsmommy at 4:34 PM on Dec. 15, 2009

  • spanking a child usually only works until about aged 5 to 6 years old.
    Obviously this child needs some ground rules about stuff. Start taking away going to the mall or whatever everytime she acts out like this. She owes you a chore when a bad word is spoken stuff like that. We had a jar where you dropped a coin everytime a bad word was said. The list goes on... Good luck

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:49 AM on Dec. 16, 2009

  • Yep i agree with missanc as well. Id also wash her mouth out if she cussed me. Mine at 13 knows not to pull that crap. I would make her work to pay for things she damaged and she would be grounded for a month to her room.

    Answer by Sandyr911 at 10:52 AM on Dec. 16, 2009

  • give her 1 shirt, 1 pair of pants, 1 pair of underwear, 1 bra, 1 towel & washcloth, and 1 pair of pajamas......remove everything else from her room except for a mattress...allow her out of her room only to eat at the table with the family (if she can be respectful), to shower/use the bathroom, and go to school. if possible, allow her to earn some things back by doing volunteer work. if not, then allow her to earn things back by doing extra work at home....she can wash that same outfit everynight and wear it everyday until she EARNS the things she wants...teach her that the most basic things, even an extra change of clothes are not NEEDS, they are wnats that many go without and that she should be greatful that her family is gracious enough to provide so much for her. if she cannot appreciate that and be respectful, then she does not get anything but her NEEDS met until she does.

    Answer by LoriaAnn at 11:38 PM on Dec. 28, 2009

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