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I don't know what to do!!!

Here is the History: I am the legal guardian to my niece and nephews, twin 14 y.o. and a five y.o. I have had the older ones for almost eight years and the younger one almost two years. They all have the same mom, my sister. In the past we have always been able to make things work. But in the last two years her issues have grown excessively (drugs). At first when I got the little guy (4 at the time) we would have many behavioral issues, especially right after a visit, and after almost a year I finally had enough and stopped the visits. That was May of this year. He has had no contact since, and has made HUGE improvements. She has not changed. She even threatened to take me to court during the summer, and when I bet her to it, instead of going to court she left the state.(I have always given the older kids the choose to see her.)

And now with the holiday’s right around the corner she wants to him to see him on Christmas.

Answer Question

Asked by mommyaunt412 at 3:38 PM on Dec. 15, 2009 in Adoption

Level 1 (3 Credits)
Answers (19)
  • wow...shes your sister and you think you could get along long enough for her to have a short visit with the kids? Maybe a neutral location, like having lunch together somewhere.
    Thats a tough one!

    Answer by christyg at 3:41 PM on Dec. 15, 2009

  • it's a bad idea since she is going to do the same thing after the visitation. keep the kids away from her. It's good for both the kids. She may call them but I won't take the chance to invite her. This is safety for the kids and for you. The kids does not need to see her behaviour. you said she hasn't changed, so you decide for yourself. Good luck and Merry Christmas.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:45 PM on Dec. 15, 2009

  • (cont.) Every year my other family members get together at a selected home for Christmas. She found out where it is at this year. I am worried she is going to show up and cause all kinds of drama. My issue is that she has made not changes. She doesn't have a job, a place to stay, as far as I know she is still using. There is a part of me that doesn't want her to see him because of that. My theory is if she wanted to him, she would get all these things accomplished. But she hasn't. But then it is the holidays, and she is his mom. I personally don't want to see her; she hates me right now because of all this. I only wanted to do what was best for the kids. (sigh) But should I keep him from seeing her? Would it really benefit him? Or her? Plus, she is my sister.

    Help. I don't know what to do, I need advice.
    Thanks, Sharon

    Answer by mommyaunt412 at 3:46 PM on Dec. 15, 2009

  • Have you thought of asking the older one's opinions. Having been in the little one's situation they might have some useful insight.
    Personally I would try to arrange something in a supervised setting. As long as it will not hurt the child I think some relationship no matter how small should be encouraged. Enough at least for child to understand that Mommy loves him and it's not his fault but Mommy's own issues.

    Answer by FuzNet at 3:47 PM on Dec. 15, 2009

  • You are the child's guardian, so its your decision to determine what is best for this little one. It would be tough for me to decide as well, especially given the earlier circumstances. However, given your sisters circumstances it sounds as though maybe its not safe for him at this time. However if you are there and can monitor that would be best.
    If she knows where the holiday is transpiring and she could just show up at will, there isn't much you could but do but leave. Which isn't fair to you or the children. I would go to your Holiday gathering as planned, and if she shows up and things get out of hand and she won't leave, then I would excuse myself and my children until she does.
    I think children do benefit from seeing their birth parents, and it could be he missed her after those visits and was angry. So maybe it would be better now.

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 4:31 PM on Dec. 15, 2009

  • Can you set up some guidelines so that it is (somewhat) under your control? Like...first of all tell her that she can't have any drugs or alcohol at any time on the day of the visit. If you suspect that she has been using you will take the children away. Another good rule would be that you and another family member will be supervising at all times. This way if her behavior is inappropriate you can remove the children. If it becomes too stressful for your little one, just take him on a walk to look at Christmas lights. But maybe just give her a chance. Maybe she will do the right thing and it can be an enjoyable experience for the kids. I think if you put too much negative energy into keeping her away, it will only make the kids more curious. Keep being a positive role model for the kids and don't allow negativity to interfere. Remember that they are learning from you how to behave. Show them how to love and be kind. Good luck.

    Answer by hollyanne31 at 5:16 PM on Dec. 15, 2009

  • mommyaunt412, You DO know what to do, or you would not be asking:) In YOUR heart of all hearts, you said yourself...this is the holidays. I 100% agree, with hollyanne, YOU have the love and admiration of these children! YOU can and WILL make sure there is NO drama. Talk with your children, LISTEN and HEAR what is in their hearts, they will NOT lead you wrong. Children are so so very smart, and their hearts DO hold LOVE for their First mom. I commend you for doing ALL that you do , each day to give stability, love, and guidance to your nephews. YOU set their examples...not their mother. LOOK very deep inside yourself, and you will have your answer. These children are secure in knowing...YOU will be there. Blessings, this holiday season:) C.J.

    Answer by ceejay1 at 6:49 PM on Dec. 15, 2009

  • I would not allow it. She is not their mother you are. She had unprotected sex and three children were born of it but she is not a mother. I would cut her off completely those kids deserve so much better.

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:04 PM on Dec. 15, 2009

  • I agree with hollyanne & CJ. Another thing that I have learned from others doing foster care is that sometimes they just want on open door. She can't "fight" an open door. If you say that she can't come, then YOU are the bad guy & the reason that her life is a mess, however, if you say, "YES, IF you are CLEAN, on the 23rd from 2-4pm (whatever) at the public "fun place" (so the kids don't have to sit there under a micro-scope and the adults can talk & catch up) then.....the ball is in her court. She either cleans up & comes or she doesn't. Honestly, the pressure might cause her to back out, so that the public "fun place" will be great whether she shows or not. I'd tell the kids that we're going to have a fun family day & that they MIGHT see somebody. Go out for pizza/ice cream afterwards and deal with the behavior. It is nothing compared to them hating you later for keeping her away.
    (con't below)

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 7:58 PM on Dec. 15, 2009

  • I raised a niece (similar to your situation) and my SIL promised 1000x she'd come pick her up, but RARELY came. It was heart-breaking & maddening at the same time. All I could do was comfort my niece & deal with whatever feelings that she had. She knew about her mother's problems, but she was still her mother. DH (uncle) and I were taking great care of her, we loved her, she was the center of my life, but she still wanted a relationship with her mother. BTW, she called me Mom/Aunt X depending on her mood & her mother (HER NAME) or Mom depending on her mood. These visits actually took place about every 2-1/2 years (were promised more often, sometimes by phone or letter) when she was trying to get her life together, & then she'd vanish again. Her relationship with her mom became very special when niece was an adult & had her own children. I don't know if it would have been if she'd NEVER seen or heard from her over the years.

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 8:08 PM on Dec. 15, 2009

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