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how do i tell him?

How do I tell my 3.5 year old that dh isn't his bio-dad? I always wanted to be open with him about it and so does dh. Ds calls dh dad or calls him by his name. His bio-dad has only seen him a handful of times but knows he's always welcome to see him and have a relationship with him but chooses not to. He hasn't seen him in almost a year. I do have picture of him for ds and dh suggested putting them up in ds room so ds can see him so if he asks to see ds he will have some idea of who he is even if there is no relationship or feelings there.

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Asked by mom06and09 at 4:16 PM on Dec. 15, 2009 in Preschoolers (3-4)

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Answers (8)
  • Don't tell him unless he asks. When he gets older he may understand better but for now leave it alone

    Answer by admckenzie at 4:33 PM on Dec. 15, 2009

  • my 5 yr old son hasnt seen his bio dad since his 3rd bday. I honestly think he has forgot about him..he never mentions him and i never do either. He even called my husband dad when we were just dating and i just let him and never corrected him because i wanted my husband to be his dad and i knew his dad was a peice of shit that didnt want to be in his life. I'm happy my son dont think of him. (i was seeing my husband since he was 2) If the time comes that his dad does want to be in his life i will fight him over it now because the way i see it..he hasnt been for the past 2 yrs and i just dont think its right to pop in and out of a childs life like i would tell him to go to hell because my 5 yr old is too young to be emotionally screwed by him. Now if he wanted to have a relationship with him when he is older then that is fine...(my son does know he has 2 dads..and i let him know that its okay to have 2.

    Answer by shay1130 at 4:38 PM on Dec. 15, 2009

  • he just knows that he never gets to see his other one...because he never called and he moved far away

    Answer by shay1130 at 4:39 PM on Dec. 15, 2009

  • If your DH doesn't have a problem being "dad" just leave it alone,
    If he asks, tell him. If not, leave it alone.

    Answer by Gealach at 4:54 PM on Dec. 15, 2009

  • The thing is I remember when I got my state I'd card around 10 I was totally pissed at my parents for not telling me I really wasn't their child (I was adopted) I became very rebellios because of it. I remember thinking they lied to me for so many years and I remember hating them for it. I don't want that with ds.

    Answer by mom06and09 at 5:36 PM on Dec. 15, 2009

  • My mother left my bio dad while pregnant and started dating another man when I was 6 months old. They got married and had a daughter and he legally adopted me when i was 6 years old. I had not idea this man was not my bio father and found out when I was 13 and was pissed about it. Personally I would keep pictures around (not in his room though) and mention it occasionally, but don't push the issue at all.

    Answer by aeneva at 6:37 PM on Dec. 15, 2009

  • At think that 3.5 child doesn't need to be involved in grown up problems. If you and dh are living as a family, and your child knows him and calls him dad, why mess it up? If our dh doesn't want to be a father to your child, give him the boot but it doesn't sound as if that is the case. I would not even bring it up to the child's attention, why if he is not asking?

    Answer by bebita at 10:01 PM on Dec. 15, 2009

  • Does he ask questions about it? I don't know if I agree with leaving it alone, although I understand he's young and his comprehension for something like that is limited. He's not old enough to understand bio dad vs adopted dad or whatever, but he can know that he has 2 dads. For now it doesn't really need to go further than that. Tell him all families are different and that he has 2 dads instead of one. As he gets older and can comprehend more he'll ask questions and that will open things up to further conversation.

    I just wonder how long people think it should be left alone. At some point, if you leave it too long, he might feel betrayed and deceived.

    Answer by EmilyandIsaac at 8:08 AM on Dec. 16, 2009

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