Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stepmoms! Help me disengage, please.

I am homeschooling my stepchild and we have full custody. It is a long story but I cannot be around the child and be civil, as awful as it sounds. I have a lot of irrational anger towards the child, but it remains latent most of the time until they do something to upset me, which has been happening a lot. I don't know what to do about it. I feel terrible about 90% of the time. I don't yell at the child, I leave all of that thing up to my husband. I need to disengage but I don't know how, since I am homeschooling (stopping is not an option) and the child's personality is extremely needy. My husband knows how I feel and has pushed me to seek counseling, which I am. In the meantime, please, please help, it is awful living like this for both of us. PLEASE DON'T BASH ME. I do enough myself. Obviously it is all me and not the child's fault. I cannot help how I feel. I would have posted in group but anonymity is crucial.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 9:55 PM on Dec. 15, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

Answers (12)
  • U now have full custody, u need to touch ground and make a relationship with the child. other than just homeschooling. I can full y understand if it is the issue of the child "not being urs" but U now have custodyt and I know ur hubby didnt go foo this alone. Try and look at the childs point of view, theyre no longer with the former parent. in a new home and they have a new "mom" its hard for them too. The child needs nothing more now than ur love and care so they know they are wanted and needed. which in turn will show u that u are wanted and needed the same by them. No im not saying its gonna be instant but in time it will work.

    Answer by babygirl8302006 at 10:00 PM on Dec. 15, 2009

  • OP here.

    Thank you for replying. Logically, I know none of this is his fault. I also forgot to mention that he has been with us for almost three years now. We used to have an amazing relationship and were very close, until I got pregnant. Then something happened to me, he slowly came to irritate me, no matter how hard I tried to enjoy and appreciate him. And I still do. I sit up in bed at night thinking about how to be good friends with him again, and I feel so guilty and promise to make a new start the next day, and then as soon as I see him it kicks in all over again and I become irrationally irritated. Thanks again.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:03 PM on Dec. 15, 2009

  • this isn't good. i hope u have a great therapist bc this marriage can't last if u keep this up. how about finding another homeschooling parent to take over or share subjects. (you teach your step child and their child one or two subjects and someone else teaches them other subjects)

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:10 PM on Dec. 15, 2009

  • You have (irrational) anger at the child that you hold in and don't want to be around the child because it might come out. You leave yelling at the child up to your husband. The child is needy. You feel it's all your fault.

    You aren't giving enough info. If you are the primary care taker you have to be in charge of discipline when the father isn't there. Waiting until the father gets home is not the way to go.

    Counseling may help if you find a good counselor.

    To equal a public school education only takes 1-2 hours a day. A working parent can homeschool. Your husband could take the responsibility of educating his child. I homeschooled my 3 children when I was a full time doctoral student and single mother. You would still be left caring for the child all day.

    Answer by Gailll at 10:12 PM on Dec. 15, 2009

  • OP again.

    More info - his father is disabled. Both of us work from home. My office is in the living room and he comes out to talk to me all day long. We do only homeschool a few hours a day, but some days I am too angry to do it properly. I try not to let him know. I have told him I am in a bad mood a lot of the time but it isn't his fault. I have tried putting a sign up saying I'm working so he will leave me and I can have some alone time but he disregards it. All of the things that irritate me are normal preteen things, for the most part - leaving his things everywhere no matter how much I remind him, not doing his chores (he only has a few, dogs and trash), not keeping his room clean. He also steals and lies. The problem is that what should just annoy me angers me. Sometimes I take it out on the walls, sometimes I stick my head into a pillow to scream. Recently he dumped a bunch of things on hundreds of dollars worth of

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:22 PM on Dec. 15, 2009

  • OP continued.

    merchandise that we were going to sell over ebay. He has good intentions but he has a lot of anger in himself also. His mom was heavily into drugs and had him at 14. His grandmother had custody for most of his life and she and her boyfriend were non-functioning alcoholics at the time he came to live with his. He has seen way more than he should. I truly think he is a good kid and I used to truly enjoy him and spending time with him and he used to refer to me as his mom and me to him as my son. It's just after I got pregnant that I began feeling resentful towards him. It has only gotten worse. My bio child is now a year and a half old and I feel that things cannot continue on like this, something has to give.

    Thank you for replying and trying to help.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:26 PM on Dec. 15, 2009

  • WELL WELL I AM IN Your same exact shoes!!! IM very serious i mean the whole family past with the child and everything! We need to be friends! im talkin the messed up mom and alcoholic grandparent thing too! I also have full custody and my sd is 12!!! This life is very challenging for me too...seriously we should become friends lots of the time it helps to talk things out with others in your situation...

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:18 PM on Dec. 16, 2009

  • I'm glad that I'm not the only one with this problem. I'm going thru the same exact situation. Full custody of 12yr, her mom is an alcoholic and pregnant with 2 other children. She never calls my sd or visits. My sd is angry wit her mom which forces her to take it out on me..etc..

    Answer by TRUNINA at 11:18 PM on Dec. 16, 2009

  • Thank you both. It's a huge relief knowing I'm not the only one who feels this way. I want to be friends with both of you so I guess I'll have to make a different account. I don't want his mom to be able to see anything I write that she could use against me later on. Anon 8:18, check back for new sn, please!

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:41 AM on Dec. 17, 2009

  • hi anon 8:18 here just checkin to see if you had gotten a new sn...just let me know

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:35 PM on Dec. 17, 2009

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.