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I find myself angry and need some advice.

I've recently been reunited with my son that I relinquished when I was 17. He is now 23. It's been amazing and wonderful. He is happy and well adjusted, and now genuinely happy to be part of our family. I'm angry at my mother (my father has since passed away). I wanted to keep my son, but my parents really pushed me to place him for adoption. They told me they couldn't help me, because at the time my sisters were 12 and 14 and they couldn't help support me and my baby, I didn't know where to turn. I was 17 and scared out of my mind, the birth father denied he was the father. Now, my mom was with me in the delivery room when he was born, she supported me that way, which I am grateful for. But, I find now that he has found us, and is part of our family, I find myself angry at my mom when she asks questions about him or is so happy he is with us. It may not be rational, but it is how I feel. Anybody have any insight?

 
jodesbaby

Asked by jodesbaby at 11:27 AM on Dec. 18, 2009 in Adoption

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Answers (17)
  • journaling. Find a way that you can get these feelings and thoughts out. Do what you need to for you. It is obvious you love your mother but rightfully have some anger. The person who was suppossed to love you the most and be there for you in all ways could not do it at the time you needed her to. She may have done the best she could but sometimes our best as a parent is not good enough. We all know parenting is not easy and it is complicated. Throw in a teen pregnancy and other teen issues that come up and it gets even harder. The adult in you may understand but the scared kid who loved her kid is still mad as hell that she didn't get to parent this wonderful boy.
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 10:12 PM on Dec. 18, 2009

  • cont...I feel ungrateful, but I really cannot get passed this angry feeling I have. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom with all my heart. I find myself not wanting to share information with her. I feel resentful when she asks and it makes me feel just terrible!
    jodesbaby

    Answer by jodesbaby at 11:30 AM on Dec. 18, 2009

  • You need to sit down with mom or write her a letter & tell her how she made you feel. It will be hard, but it's better to get it out & be honest with her than to let resentment build towards her. I think your feelings are valid.

    Glad you found your son though & are able to reconnect!
    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 11:38 AM on Dec. 18, 2009

  • If I do the timeline right your mom is now in her mid 60's. Things have changed greatly in the past 20 + years. What is acceptable now was not acceptable then. Most likely she had not only her upraising telling her it was wrong for you to raise your son but her parents/in laws/dh as well telling her that it was wrong. She did what she could to help you but it's hard to go against century's of thinking. She most likely didn't want her grandson to be labeled a bastard which at the time was a horrible thing to label a child with. It's not a term we would even use today to talk about a single mom's children but 20 yrs ago it was a terrible thing to label them with.

    Don't continue to punish her and your son by holding onto your anger. You say he is part of the family now but you are withholding from him his grandmother. Let them build their own relationship. Let go of your anger and talk to her quitely. You might be surprise.
    baconbits

    Answer by baconbits at 11:58 AM on Dec. 18, 2009

  • I do share with her, I just feel resentful when I do. And yes baconbits my mom is actually in her early 60's, 63 to exact. I just feel like she was sometimes more worried about what people would think of her because her teenaged daughter got pregnant. Maybe I am still thinking like that scared little girl.
    jodesbaby

    Answer by jodesbaby at 12:11 PM on Dec. 18, 2009

  • I think that as a parent we do what we think is best. She believed that it was best for YOU that you place that child. I am sure she had tremendous turmoil about it and likely still does. She may feel guilty at some level, both that she didnt "protect" you from getting pregnant and "protect" you from having to make that decision.

    You can say "that child would have never been adopted if it wasnt for her" but she can also say "if you didnt get pregnant when you were not ready, I would not have had to help place my first grandchild".
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:36 PM on Dec. 18, 2009

  • I don't think you should tell your mom about all your anger, but I don't think you should hold it in either. Some pps have given you excellent insights into why your mom acted the way she did and why she, perhaps, does not "deserve" your anger. However, we cannot use logic to control our emotions - only to control what we do with those emotions. You still have this anger. You don't want it, but there it is. So... you need to deal with it. I don't know the best way for you to do that, but here are some suggestions. Write her a long letter, no holds barred - but don't send it. Tell someone (bff, dh) exactly how you fell, and don't censor yourself - tell them you just need to let it out even though in reality you know some of it is unfair. Yell, scream, rant, vent. Or - the cop-out of suggestions, I know, but I do think it's valuable - see a counsellor. It would prob. only be short-term, just to help w/this 1 issue.
    FelipesMom

    Answer by FelipesMom at 12:41 PM on Dec. 18, 2009

  • PS tell yourself it's OK to be angry, b/c guess what? It is. It doesn't make you any less grateful for the things your mom DID do for you - which you obviously are, based on your comments here.
    FelipesMom

    Answer by FelipesMom at 12:43 PM on Dec. 18, 2009

  • Anon :36 I never said that he would never been adopted if it wasn't for her. Not once did that EVER come out of my mouth. I feel there was no need for your comment about me getting pregnant. You do not know the circumstances surrounding my pregnancy. So please be a little more respectful.
    jodesbaby

    Answer by jodesbaby at 12:44 PM on Dec. 18, 2009

  • jodesbaby, Blessings, to you, and congrats on a wonderful reunion. I too am a Firstmom, and have yet to meet my 23 yr old sons,(twins0. I do not know if I will ever get the chance, however one thing I realized about 11 yrs ago...it does not do ANY good to harbor resentment for those whom FAILED to help us when we needed them the most. I did this with the twins father, carried that resentment towards him, for NOT speaking up, and doing anything to help me keep my sons. I had to let it go, forgive him if you will:) When and I I get the blessings to see them again, they will HEAR nothing but truth about their Dad(if they ask:), because he truly is a good man, just bad priorities. Like your Mom, and yourself, we did what we did at the time...and harboring anger will NOT change it. Be happy to have him BACK into your heart, and thank GOD for ALL your loved ones, Blessings, and Merry CHRISTmas, C.J.
    ceejay1

    Answer by ceejay1 at 1:31 PM on Dec. 18, 2009

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