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One of my daughters hates my boyfriend and wants to go live with her father.

I've been divorced for 3,5 years and I've been with James for 1 year. He also has 2 kids living with him who are 6 and 12 and I am very close with both of them. My daughters are almost 5.
James is very good to my daughters, really kind and friendly. One of them adores him and the other one hates him. I really love James and I can see this relationship going somewhere, but I wouldn't want to hurt my daughter in any way.

She told me she wants to live with her dad and she cried her eyes out, screamed etc until I let her call her dad and tell him to pick her up. He did, and we talked about it, and he talked to her about how him and I still love the girls the same even though we may be with different ppl. He also told her that she can't live with him and explained the reasons.

My daughter is still in her father's house (has been there for 3 days) and refuses to come home unless I break up.

Should I break up? Would you?

Answer Question
 
lovemytwinsters

Asked by lovemytwinsters at 2:31 PM on Dec. 18, 2009 in General Parenting

Level 10 (413 Credits)
Answers (19)
  • Thats a hard one. I dont think that I would break up with him because you need to happy too. Shes young and doesnt understand fully that you love her and him! It can be confusing and hard for kids. My husband has been in my life for 5 years and has helped me raise my first 2 kids. My kids love my husband more then their own fathers. I would let her stay there if she feels better with him. I mean give her time with him and maybe she will come home to you once she sees that she misses you
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:34 PM on Dec. 18, 2009

  • Oh MY! She knows how to manipulate at such a young age. I could see a teenager doing the same. Let's say you decide to break up. ok, so then when do you think she'll be ready to share you? When she's a teenager, young adult, out of the house n off to college???
    Vero0724

    Answer by Vero0724 at 2:37 PM on Dec. 18, 2009

  • Well, good point. But what if I do keep dating the guy and it does result to marriage and she hates me for life...? She can't stay with her father so I'll force her back home at some point and she'll hate me for that too!!
    lovemytwinsters

    Answer by lovemytwinsters at 2:41 PM on Dec. 18, 2009

  • I suggest that you, your SO and your ex come together and make decisions and then bring both your dd's into the conversation and TELL them what's up. Maybe the one is missing her dad, but don't let a 5 yr old tell you how to live your life - even if it's your own child. She is the child and YOU are the parent. Make it clear to her that you understand and encourage her to love and maintain contact with her dad, but this is your new life and since she is the child she will have to learn to accept the way things are. Children of divorcee's are very very good at manipulating and 5 yrs of age is old enough to know how to do it. Be loving, but be firm. She needs structure right now and she won't like it but it is the best thing for her. GL - been there, done that.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:45 PM on Dec. 18, 2009

  • I might sound mean here. But don't let your 5 year old tell you how to run your life. You are the adult not her. I say go and get her and sit her dowm and tell her how it is going to be. As long as your BF is not harming her. She needs to know she can not act like that. Are you always going to do what she tells you to do?
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 2:53 PM on Dec. 18, 2009

  • I just don't want to do sth that could scar her for life... Am I silly to think that this could harm her?
    lovemytwinsters

    Answer by lovemytwinsters at 2:55 PM on Dec. 18, 2009

  • oh dear, thats something i have always feared as well..so when reading this my heart just sunk to the floor. i dont think you should have to break up with your bf, because you do need to be happy too...have you tried getting your bf and daughter to go out on lil play dates together? so they can bond, let her pick something fun she wants to do and will be happy doing and maybe that could help??!! im sure youve probably tried everything though. have you talked to your daughter and ask her why she feels this way? is she scared that he is gonna "replace" her real father? i would just try talkin to her, and have him and her go on lil play dates together..but i definetly dont think you need to break up with him..how does he feel about her acting that way towards him? even tho shes only 5, kids arent dumb these days, and they can pick up on stuff we might not even notice. best of luck!!
    alexis_06

    Answer by alexis_06 at 2:55 PM on Dec. 18, 2009

  • How could a 5 year old REFUSE to come home?? Did she drive or walk herself there? I doubt it. You and hubby just pick her up, put her in the car, and take her home. It's that simple.

    Yes, you need to have a talk with her, but at that age she can't do anything beyond what you as the parent let her.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:12 PM on Dec. 18, 2009

  • Are you sure there is nothing wrong with this guy? My mom dated a guy who we didn't like and she ended up marrying him and I don't think I have forgiven her yet. But he was not a great guy, he ended up -mildly- sexually abusing my sister and I and if you ask me, my mother does not believe it.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:27 PM on Dec. 18, 2009

  • Ok, so you have been with the BF for a year and she suddenly throws a huge fit that she wants to go to her fathers NOW and refuses to come home? I would be having a talk with DD to find out what happened and possibly even taking her to the doctor to be checked for signs of being molested. Sorry, but kids don't just suddenly hate someone. If she has always hated him and you know what caused this fit you need to look at your priorities,there is no way in hell I would be with a man my son hated. I was there as a teen and 20 years later I still hate my stepmother, didn't even go to their wedding and avoid her as much as possible.
    goaliemom93

    Answer by goaliemom93 at 3:32 PM on Dec. 18, 2009

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