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Why do i want to do this? whats wrong with me?

I have been raped 3 times in my life, i was painfull and traumatizing. normally when hubby and i have sex i want him to be gentle and romantic because forcefulness will give me flashbacks and anxiety attacks.... but ever once in a while it's like everything switches and i want forcefullness? it's so messed up- am i just a headcase? why would i want this?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:28 PM on Dec. 18, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • I think that it is totally natural to want someone that you trust to be a little more forceful with you in a fantasy setting. Your experience makes you question it. Just remind yourself that you are asking this of someone you trust and that is okay. You are not asking to relive your terrible past, you are asking someone who loves you to fulfill a desire that you have. It is separate totally. What happened to you was not sex, it was assault and it has nothing to do with what goes on between you and your husband.

    I am so sorry that you have endured such a horrible act so many times. I hope that you are able to find the peace that you deserve.
    beckcorc

    Answer by beckcorc at 9:33 PM on Dec. 18, 2009

  • maybe in some sick way you enjoyed it, not bashing or trying to be mean, but maybe your tired of the gentle stuff and you want to try something different with DH. Atleast you know if things get too intense with DH you can tell him to slow down.
    Shyma

    Answer by Shyma at 9:35 PM on Dec. 18, 2009

  • BTW, I was raped before as a pre teen and I dont always like it slow and easy. But I think its a lot easier to get what you want when you know you have the opportunity to tell your DH how you want to be treated.
    Shyma

    Answer by Shyma at 9:37 PM on Dec. 18, 2009

  • forcefullness turns me on. so does romanticness. depends on my mood.
    PURPULbutterfly

    Answer by PURPULbutterfly at 9:38 PM on Dec. 18, 2009

  • There is nothing wrong with you. Here is the thing in the forceful scenes with your husband you have control you can say stop. Which in the previous events you didn't have. It sounds weird but you are in a way rebuilding a certain confidence about sexuality. Now I could be wrong in that fact but I know this is how it worked with me and my therapist told me it was ok and I wasn't psychotic. You need to realize though that communication is key with this stuff. Hubbys/SO's cannot read minds. Follow eyedoleyes' advice. Use traffic lights. Green for keep going, yellow to slow down or back off and red to stop completely. Or find some other simple word combo that you can always remember.
    CelticMom82

    Answer by CelticMom82 at 9:55 PM on Dec. 18, 2009

  • I was raped. My SO only knows how to be forceful. I can separate what happened back during the rape and what we do now bc of who he is. I know he'd never harm me. I know he cares about me. So it's not the act itself, imho it's about who you are with and how they make you feel. I feel safe with him. Maybe you just have not gotten to the point where you can feel safe. It took me many years and finding a man like SO.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 10:31 PM on Dec. 18, 2009

  • WOW! This is some Jerry Springer stuff.
    ambr2006

    Answer by ambr2006 at 10:48 PM on Dec. 18, 2009

  • Wow thanks ambr2006 for your real insightful comment. It wasn't rude at all. In case you didn't get it those last statements were just dripping with sarcasm.

    I was never raped but I was molested and sexually harrased by a number of men. The one time I nearly got close to being raped I managed to fight my way out of it and I thank god for that. I may not have your extent of emotional scarring but because one of the men who harrased me was my brother I did have a lot of emotional problems when it came to being intimate with my husband. But now that my trust in him is built up and I know that he would never hurt me we do get a little rough sometimes. I just made sure to lay out some careful ground rules like a "safe word" in case I got scared or hurt or just anything. Blueberry Waffles. Yelling that in the middle of sex would stop anyone in the middle of the act. So no you are not weird or screwed up, if you are I am too.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:57 AM on Dec. 19, 2009

  • I think there is a huge difference between being raped or molested by someone, and the fantasy of having someone we love and trust "take" us. Many women love to feel the strength and power of the man we love, but we would never want someone else to rape us or take what they wanted against our will. And the truth is, that even though we may want them to be more assertive and forceful at times.....it's with our willingness and consent.

    There is nothing wrong with you at all. You're a normal woman, and it sounds like you are lucky enough to have come through your previous experience with a reasonably healthy attitude toward sex. Enjoy your relationship with your husband. It sounds like he loves you and that you can trust him to be the man you need.
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 1:55 AM on Dec. 19, 2009

  • i think there is nothing wrong with you, i have been raped and i like it i guess as you put it forceful with my hubby, but i love and trust him, its not like we act out a rape in the bedroom or anything but gentle and romantic can get boring after a while
    mommie2twogirls

    Answer by mommie2twogirls at 2:19 PM on Dec. 19, 2009

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