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Family first, OR better safe than sorry?

My entire family is...dysfunctional. I managed to escape years ago, and I've started a family of my own since then. My oldest child is still missed by many of those demented people, but my 3 youngest are by a man they all despise. Every holiday, they expect me to split my family up by letting my oldest daughter come to whom ever's hosting house, while me, my man, and the rest of my younger children go on with our holiday. Like she won't be missed, or like she doesn't have to be apart of this. I let her go for Thanksgiving, and now my mother (whom I don't speak to) has my crazy drunken aunts requesting her for X-Mas too. My war with them is not her war & I don't want her to be exiled from visiting, out of town family. @ the same time I don't want their bullshit (& family history kids shouldn't hear) to sink into my teenager either. & her younger siblings question where she is on holidays...What would you do?


Asked by Dmommy4 at 10:36 PM on Dec. 20, 2009 in Holidays

Level 9 (315 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (9)
  • I think if she went for thanksgiving she should stay with you all for Christmas. In the future I would tell my family that you have a family larger than just your oldest and if they cannot accept your entire family for the holidays then not to expect anyone from your family to come. If they want to visit with her they can come to see her or she can go out to them during other breaks from school. I understand that it wouldnt be fair that she not be allowed to see them since she has already established relationships with them, but its not fair for her to miss every holiday with her family and your husbands family. As for her being "corrupted" by them that will not happen as long as you are open with her, never anger when she comes to you for help or questions. You have her most, you are her mother and your actions and reactions will reflect off her more than anyone else.

    Answer by MamaCass05 at 10:48 PM on Dec. 20, 2009

  • If myself and the rest of my family was not welcome to come; I would not send my oldest period. Once she is old enough to drive on her own etc she can make that call but until then, I would not let her go. You yourself call them dysfunctional, why would you want her to go without proper supervision?

    Answer by midnightmoma at 10:49 PM on Dec. 20, 2009

  • If 1 goes they all go, no exceptions.
    If they cant take them all, oh well.

    Answer by Gealach at 11:37 PM on Dec. 20, 2009

  • I usually am the first to say let by gones be by gones on the holidays. In this case I have to say that I would not send her. Christmas is for family and she shouldn't be sent off with a bunch of loons and away from her siblings and parents. If you and the other grandchildren are not welcome that is a huge issue. Possibly invite them to stop by for 30 minutes in Christmas eve to spent time with ALL of their grandchildren and make it clear your dh and you will stay in a seperate room or say no thank you and leave it at that.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:51 PM on Dec. 20, 2009

  • Screw that. She's your kid, not theirs. They don't get visitation. You, your husband and her siblings are her family and y'all should remain together on all holidays (unless, of course, her bio-dad has visitation). They have no rights and you owe them NOTHING. Splitting your family for them gives them power that they don't deserve.

    Answer by Avarah at 12:26 AM on Dec. 21, 2009

  • Even the majority of divorced couples alternate holidays with/without their kids. Tell them since they had her for Thanksgiving that she will be staying home for Christmas for a family celebration. Then maybe you could suggest that next year you will have her for Thanksgiving & they will get her for Christmas. It may be easier to set a schedule of some sort so that way there are no questions & last minute changes in plans.
    Good luck!

    Answer by emslala at 12:55 AM on Dec. 21, 2009

  • Screw that is right. I would tell them to kiss my grits. NO way my kids would be seperated.

    Answer by Whatkids at 2:20 AM on Dec. 21, 2009

  • This is deplorable. My family is VERY dysfunctional also so I understand your dilemma. My opinion - if they want one of your children, they get ALL of your children, or NONE at all. AND - they have to be HAPPY about it (or at least pretend to be while your kids are there).
    We went through the same thing... my older sister was my dad's first daughter. Daddy & her mom weren't married, and my family being Catholic, NEVER accepted my sister, even though my dad never said he wasn't her dad. My family all but shunned her, and now as an adult I see what they did and how it made her feel and I resent it very much. What right do they have to choose? (they don't!)

    Answer by RutterMama at 7:48 AM on Dec. 21, 2009

  • She is your dd... It IS your family...
    MO... Keep your dd with you and the rest of YOUR family and do what you normally
    and just tell your family , Thanks, but NO Thanks, my dd will be with HER family this yr...

    Answer by gmasboy at 8:12 AM on Dec. 21, 2009