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Second Marriage, but no shared bank account

DH and I have been married over 3 years. We opted not to have kids bcuz we both have kids from our first marriages. We rent a house- still have not bought one together. For over 5 years we've been together, we have been hella busy taking time for the needs of our children and only briefly did we discuss having a joint account. Well, we recently started seeing a couples therapist and she agrees we should have a shared bank account, but it also came up that he has not disclosed any of his bank accounts or earnings to me. Our therapist told me personally that I have every right to know, as his wife, all of his accounts and earnings. I am super concerned now about what reasons there could be of him not wanting to disclose his account info with me- his wife. I have not confronted him yet, and truthfully wouldn't know how to broach the subject without seeming bossy. What reasons do you think there could possibly be?

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Asked by Anonymous at 9:47 PM on Dec. 21, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • Not too sure. My second husband and I have one shared account and he has his own account he had prior to our marriage. I know what he makes, sorta. He pays most of the bills. I don't really pry into his personal bank account, well because, I guess I don't really care much. As long as the bills are paid and there is money for us, whatever. I guess I feel this way because it's my second marriage. With the first EVERYTHING was joint. It wasn't very good for either of us... ever. With the divorce it was way hard to get stuff on my own, but after, when I was able to do it on my own, I guess I just have this comfort knowing I CAN DO IT on my own... I don't feel the need to be JOINT any longer. I kinda like the freedom....

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:58 PM on Dec. 21, 2009

  • I agree that you have every right to know about all of his accounts and income, etc. However, financial experts agree that it is best to have separate accounts. Their plan, which I intend to use once I go back to work involves the following: If you make 40% of the monthly income and your husband makes 60%, then you put 40% and he 60% of the money for bills into a joint account. then after whatever (10% they say of each) goes into savings, actually that's supposed to be first, anyway, what's left after bills and savings is yours. That way no one has to ask anyone for money to buy a shirt, or get a hair cut, etc. Makes sense to me.

    Answer by heatheryn at 10:13 PM on Dec. 21, 2009

  • My mom tells me stories of when her and my dad first got together to try and help me with my marriage. One of her stories was how my dad was SUPER secretive about his debt, bills, and general finances. Not because he was hiding something from her, but he didn't want to burdon her with his financial stress. It took him forever to be able to share his finances with him and allow her into his world financially. I found this to be true with my husband too. We've been together for three years (in Feb) and married for just over a year and a half. I still have to force information about our finances out of him. He doesn't want to burdon me with the stress that he deals with, and doesn't like talking about it. We don't have a joint account even though I tell him that we should. Especially if something happnes where he cannot get to the bank and money is needed. He says "It's our money", "It's our credit card", but they're all in...

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 10:42 PM on Dec. 21, 2009

  • (Contin.) his name. The car is in his name too, that we bought together our first year together. I had to convience him to put the house in both of our names. There are a million reasons behind it, but the real reason is (Though my paranoia says it's because he doesn't trust me) .. The real reason is because he's still protective over his finances. It could be the same for your husband. That he just doesn't want to get you connected to it all and then one day ditch out and take him for all he's worth. Just talk to him. Ask his casually "Hey hun, what do you think about us getting a joint account?" Then go from there. Don't let the situation get heated, just talk about it as if you're talking about doing the dishes. Just ask out of pure curiosity and see where it goes.. All the best!

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 10:44 PM on Dec. 21, 2009

  • Tell him that it's important for you to know what accounts there are in case something happens to him.

    Answer by admckenzie at 10:55 PM on Dec. 21, 2009

  • "Hi hon, I want to do what the therapist said, and merge our accounts together. What bank do you think would be best?"

    You might want to start by working out a joint budget you can both agree on, then do the merging. Finances can cause a lot of arguments for couples, so I personally think the agreed budget is a crucial step.

    good luck.

    Answer by mogencreative at 11:34 PM on Dec. 21, 2009

  • for my hubby and i (we have been together 6.5 months married 5.5) we have a great system, he makes the money i get the money lol the truth of the matter is i am better with money then he is, I have two bank accounts his name is not on either one, he has no clue whats in either account, he has no clue what bills have been paid, he simply knows the power is on, the water is on, there is food in the house, and we have a place to live he doesnt care much about the rest as long as he has money for when hes out of town for work, i dont think not having a joint account is such a bad thing maybe he had joint accounts with his ex and she ran his accounts and his credit in to the ground, if anything where to happen to him you would still be able to get to that money just make sure your named as the benificary on the account

    Answer by mommie2twogirls at 12:00 AM on Dec. 22, 2009

  • My DH (who is also my second husband) and I do have a joint account. He has always been very open about finances and we started sharing an account and "blending" our finances together before we were even married. He's never hid anything from me and I have always appreciated that. It sounds like a trust issue to me. I just couldn't imagine not knowing how much money my husband made/had, etc. I feel that in marriage there should be no secrets but that is just what works for us.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:17 AM on Dec. 22, 2009

  • Marriage is supposed to be an equal partnership. It is also supposed to be a completely honest and open relationship. I would be very concerned about your husband's secrecy; it is not normal and frankly it is frightening.

    Answer by rkoloms at 6:14 AM on Dec. 22, 2009

  • sorry but although your advice might be worthy..anyone that has only been married half a year's opinion on marriage ( and all that goes with it) doesn't really count yet. :)

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:23 AM on Dec. 22, 2009

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