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How to get through the holidays??

Part of me is excited for Christmas but the other part is scared. Im scared it will be hard without her. This time last year I wasnt even pregnant. I am seeing my family for the first time since I had her too. How do you birthmoms get through the holidays?? Any advice would be apprciated. Thanks.

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Asked by kirstenshaye at 6:34 PM on Dec. 22, 2009 in Adoption

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Answers (11)
  • Just try not to think about her

    Answer by staceynoel at 7:23 PM on Dec. 22, 2009

  • Kirstenshaye, I know it's not so easy as just not thinking about her. I am not a bmom, but I do understand that you have never stopped loving your child or caring for her (and you never will). I really hope your family is very supportive and understanding. All of your feelings are valid. I really don't know what else to say, except that I hope for the best for you and that you will get through this and begin to heal. I hope you will have a blessed Christmas and time with your family. {{HUGS}}

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 7:35 PM on Dec. 22, 2009

  • Hi I am sorry this is so hard on you.For now you just move forward through each day.Try to be with those that will give you support and comfort ,it will only help.If you have not started counseling/therapy start soon. My therapist told me the goal is not to "work through" the loss that comes with adoption but to learn to live with the loss.To be able to enjoy aspects of life ,feel the good things also.This will come with help from others and work by you.I am not saying everything will be Pollyanna but you will be able to laugh and enjoy holidays.There may always be a shadow but the good will be there also.Surround yourself with support,stay rested,stay involved but with down time if you need it.Move forward ,Take care of yourself,you are cared about


    Answer by drfink at 9:08 PM on Dec. 22, 2009

  • Staceynoel....try to not think about her child? Are you serious? Would you say the same thing to a woman who lost her child to death? Wow, how insensetive.

    I have no advice to give you, OP. I'm a birthmom going on my third Christmas without my daughter. Sometimes, it eats away. Other times, it seems easier. This year is no exception. But how one feels and how one deals differs greatly with person to person. Some put themselves full force into helping out with family and other things, some focus on any children they may have and others just keep the thoughts at bay long enough to get thru the day.

    Answer by randi1978 at 9:22 PM on Dec. 22, 2009

  • We get through the holidays the best we can. If we need to cry sometimes, we do. If staying busy helps, we sometimes do that too. Not thinking about our children is not generally an option, but, we may need to try to limit how much we think about them. I think it helps to focus on helping others if possible, in any way we can. If you cannot give your child a gift, donate something to an agency that helps needy children. Focus on the people who ARE present in our lives and appreciate them as much as possible. Write a poem or story for your child to be given to them whenever possible, or make something for them. Donate a book to a library in your child's name. There are many possibilities. It takes trial and error to discover what works best for you.

    Answer by Southernroots at 12:57 AM on Dec. 23, 2009

  • Kirstenshaye
    I have no answer, but wanted to post that many people in my life have told me to get over it, don't think about her (my Mother), put it behind me, move on and ect.

    I WISH more people had just given me empathy. You know, permission to feel my feelings without being told they were right or wrong.

    I hope you will find empathy and support from your family.

    Stacy, I wanted to also say that your suggestion to not think about her child is something I feared alot growing up. That my Mom didn't think of me and remember. That she even hated me. :(


    Answer by adopteeme at 3:43 AM on Dec. 23, 2009

  • I hope you have the space you need to be both: happy and sad. We can feel mixed emotions in complicated situations. Your allowed to be happy for other people, to be missing and grieving your child, you have the right to cry, and the right to laugh. These things are never easy. One minute you might be enjoying a good story or joke and the next moment you might be thinking of your child. How do you get throught it? One moment at a time and giver yourself permission to think and feel what you want as it happens.

    Answer by frogdawg at 7:10 AM on Dec. 23, 2009

  • Kirstenshaye, if I was there I'd give you a hug. I know we are all strangers, but so many people here truly care about how you are feeling. Hopefully remembering that will help in some small way, too.

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 9:47 AM on Dec. 23, 2009

  • (((HUGS))) The gosh honest truth is it is hard. It's like being stuck at sea and sometimes it's calm and you can't feel anything, you'r numb. Then there are time when it's rocky and you feel ill. Then there are times when it's like a hurricane and you feel the high waves dragging you down and you can't even breath. There will be times when you yousmile remember our little one's fave and smell and there will be time you can not bear to let your mind drift or you will go there and your chest will ache. The only thing I can tell you is to remember why you chose this and what her life will be like. Would your little one want you to stop being you and shrivel up in a ball and not live your life to the fullest? No she would want you to try to do the best you can and carry her in your heart through all your hills and valleys. Set out to be the person you in your heart of hearts wants to be.

    Answer by sadsmile at 2:22 PM on Dec. 23, 2009

  • It's going to suck all the air from your lungs sometimes. But I can personally tell you that after 16 yrs I can still breath and I am still holding on to the possibilities of the future. It's OK for you to hurt. It's OK for you to greive. It's Ok for you to cry. Just don't give up on your dreams. Let yourself have some time to let it hit you and pick yourself up and get busy with the goal at hand. You got have some heart kid, to do what you did! It's going to be a mix of love and pain but for a sacrifice for a noble purpose. I didn't chose my path-it was forced on me and I wish I could go back and be strong enough to change things. But the pain hasn't killed me in 16 yrs. It hasn't stopped me from having a wonderful family and loving them completely and giving them my best. There is just room for one more and waiting for a possible future in time. Just know you are not alone in this thing. And it won't always hurt this much.

    Answer by sadsmile at 2:27 PM on Dec. 23, 2009

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