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Always her house never mine. Am I overreacting?

I have a friend of nearly 8 years. We don't get together too often because of conflicting schedules but when we do it's a fun time catching up. We used to go out to eat but we've stopped opting for home visits as a more economical and relaxing way to catch up. But it has been me that visits her home and only once has she come to hang out at mine; I obliged because I used to live in an apartment and it seemed sort of cramped. We've since bought a house with lots of room and she still doesn't visit. A couple of months ago we planned a chat session/playdate for our sons and she was a no show. Today she canceled a visit at my house but invites me to "hang out"with her during Christmas break. I was happy to talk to her today but I didn't honestly express my disappointment; I just didn't have the nerve, unusual for me because I'm usually quite assertive. What's the best way to get my point across without being brash?


Asked by KnottyMomof1 at 8:12 PM on Dec. 22, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (7)
  • I have a 'friend' like this; I know I can rely on her flakiness and her not wanting to come to my home. I do believe it's mostly in my friends case due to the fact she's a puppet on strings being controlled by her sick mother and her husband who cannot even let her go on outings w/o coming along (even girls only ones). Some people change over time and become distance friends rather than close; my best suggestion is to treasure the time you two were close and maybe extend yourself in meeting other people to become close friends with. I'm not saying give up on her as a friend; just that she's becoming less reliable when it comes to visits and isn't reciprocating the treatment you are giving her so maybe she's becoming less of a good-close friend.

    Answer by Knightquester at 10:55 PM on Dec. 22, 2009

  • Tell her your want her to come see the new house

    Answer by Gealach at 8:13 PM on Dec. 22, 2009

  • Is there a reason why she dosen't want to come to your house?If you don't know why, ask her why?

    Answer by incarnita at 8:32 PM on Dec. 22, 2009

  • My guess is there is a reason she doesn't come over. Does anyone in your house smoke or anything like that? Or maybe she is just uncomfortable in other people's house's. I know when I went to certain people's houses when my children were younger it made me nervous that they would either break something or make a mess.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:44 PM on Dec. 22, 2009

  • Tell her you want to show off the new house, and invite her over. Specifically invite her. It may be that after you didn't want her in the cramped apt, it's become habit. Or she may feel that if you wanted her to come to the new house, you'd invite her.

    Answer by tropicalmama at 8:45 PM on Dec. 22, 2009

  • A lot of people just aren't comfortable at someone else's house. I'm one of those people and I do feel bad that I'm this way. When I go over to someone's house, the little things drive me crazy like crooked pictures. I believe I might be a little bit OCD because I can't concentrate on what the conversation even is.. the picture in the hall that's crooked is all that is on my mind. People have so many different quirks and some people just aren't comfortable anywhere but their place, especially if that's always been the way it's been with that particular friend. I only have one friend that I feel really comfortable in their house and she had the crooked picture problem too so there's none that aren't "straight" lol Could be something as simple as refreshments or something as crazy as the pictures or toys in wrong places. I'd ask what you could do to make her more comfortable at your house.

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 10:07 PM on Dec. 22, 2009

  • Hi Anonymous -Dec. 22nd @7:44pm and Lisa_ann_p

    Thanks for taking time to reply!

    In response: I agree with you there is a reason but I can only guess as to why. We're both a little OCD about cleanliness and smells; We're both freakish about our homes smelling nice and regularly give gifts of scented candles and such so I know it's not that. :) But you make a good point about a fear of breaking something and a general sense of feeling "out of place". It is because my friend and I are so very much alike in so many ways it makes the disappointment seem that much greater.
    Making her feel comfortable? That's an interesting point. I'd always assumed that because I'm comfortable just about anywhere (I credit my military training for that ability-smile-) that others can make the same adjustment.

    Again thanks for your thoughtful replies!

    Answer by KnottyMomof1 at 11:11 PM on Dec. 22, 2009