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After my husband's daughter ruined this holiday, how do I handle the next one?

My 26 yr old step daughter has finally succeed in dividing my husband and I on Christmas (we've been married 8 yrs). He spent the day with her - I spent the day with my adult kids at our home. The SD refused to come to our home and the rest of us were not invited to go with them. SD did not want her dad to marry me. SD just moved-has no job-my husband pays all her bills. She calls him daily-especially when she's out of money. He should be ready for retirement, but he's now sending her a couple thousand dollars a month. I've tried to talk to him, but he tells me his child and how he spends his money is none of my business. I love my husband and I want to make my marriage work, but not sure how considering the choices he is making for his life.

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Asked by Libby9955 at 10:42 PM on Dec. 26, 2009 in Adult Children (18+)

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Answers (23)
  • Have you stopped to think what you would do, honestly, if it was your child? I know if it was me, my kid would get the clothes off my back if he really needed them, as long as I knew he was trying to help himself...I say that, but I am not even sure how much of a condition that would be LOL.

    It's hard to give advice in this situation because we have no idea why the SD doesn't approve in the first place, I guess. So, all I can say is keep trying to talk to your spouse and just explain the two of you need to find something that works for you both.

    Answer by shtteredprnces at 10:47 PM on Dec. 26, 2009

  • Why does she not like you and why didn't she want you to get married? Answer that question and we can probably give you better advice.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:57 PM on Dec. 26, 2009

  • sounds like she has some sort of freudian(sp?) disorder. she seems to think that she's competing for his attn from you and seems to think that she's his wife!!! she's controlling him and taking his money. at least she's not living with you...yet.

    Answer by angevil53 at 1:34 AM on Dec. 27, 2009

  • Sounds like next year you need to celebrate Christmas as a family on one day and him see his DD on another. You can do Chrstmas early and be ok. It is his DD so you have to give hm some slack. Sounds like she is jeolous of you and your family. Sucks but untill she grows up there is notthing you can do. Be glad she is not living with yoU!

    Answer by IMAMOM2-2KIDS at 5:05 AM on Dec. 27, 2009

  • My friend and her husband have similar marital issues. He has an unhealty relationship with his adult daughter that costs them money they can't afford and she won't have anything to do with his wife or kids because she wants all of him.

    At first I didn't realize what was going on. My friend is depressed and didn't seem to be a very good wife. Then as I got to know the situation more I could understand why she is depressed. He would also spend Christmas with his daughter and one year my friend couldn't be with her children because they all lived to far away. He just left her at home.

    I don't think your husband has a healthy relationship with his child and I don't think it will change. He will allow it to drain all of both of your resources and your relationship. I think you should consider ending the relationship, your love is not enough.

    Answer by Gailll at 3:26 PM on Dec. 27, 2009

  • To answer your question, My SD didn't want her Dad to get married to anyone. She had him to herself for 4 years before our marriage. No matter what I've tried to do, she's made it known she wants nothing to do with me or with us as a couple. She has an older brother, but doesn't have a relationship with him either.

    It's such a contrast as my kids are thrilled I have made a new life with someone. They have tried to include SD in their individual activities-but she wants nothing to do with them. Mine are ages 22-31, have jobs, and support themselves.

    Answer by Libby9955 at 4:35 PM on Dec. 27, 2009

  • First of all, loyalty issues are commonplace in blended families. It sounds to me like your SD is acting like a spoiled, entitled brat. She is 26 years old and daddy is bailing her out of HER responsibilities financially? HE is the problem. He needs to stop enabling her to be this way. How? He needs to tell her to find a job, or two, and start acting like a responsible adult. Secondly, he needs to put you before her and what I mean by that is, if she doesn't like you and does not want to spend the holiday with you and your husband and other children, that's her choice. She sounds like she enjoys manipulating and controlling her father and he allows her to. Until HE puts a stop to this nonsense, nothing will change. He is preventing her from maturing but enabling this behavior. Good luck.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:41 PM on Dec. 27, 2009

  • I think you need to cut your losses here. i'm 25, just a year younger than your SD but her behavior is outrageous. I can see your husband having more loyalty to her if she were 6, but she's 26. She's a grown woman, and his relationship with you isn't her concern. Since he won't take your side here, let him go. You're his wife, and his marriage should come before his adult daughter.

    Answer by cookiedough100 at 7:28 PM on Dec. 27, 2009

  • I see divorce alley.  You are not #1 with him.


    Answer by Anonymous at 8:42 PM on Dec. 27, 2009

  • Your husband is the problem not the step daughter. You can accept this or move on.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:40 AM on Dec. 28, 2009

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