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He won't leave his mother

My boyfriend and I have been living together for 2 years now. We met in Chicago. He and his family moved to Seattle 3 years ago. We live in Seattle now, where I am miserable. I miss my family and everything I had in Chicago. He says he will never move back there with me because it's too cold.

After months of struggling with bad jobs and increasing despair, I decided to return to school for a 3 year master's degree in English. I applied all over the country, at my boyfriend's suggestion.

He refuses go with me. He says he cannot leave his mother. She's schizophrenic and on a fixed income, and he feels he needs to stay with her. He says we should long-distance date for the 3 years I'm in school, and break up if I don't want to return to Seattle when my degree is over.

Am I right to feel that he should go with me? If he loved me I think he'd go with me. How are we going to have a future together if I am always less important?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 1:13 PM on Dec. 27, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (8)
  • Can't really tell you what you should do but will tell you what I would do if it was me. And that would be I would just move on. After moving on myself from kinda same thing. I know now that there is more too it than just a one sided relationship. good luck with your degree.

    Answer by Shaqbe4u at 1:17 PM on Dec. 27, 2009

  • If you loved him you would understand his mother needs him and stay where he needs to be.

    There are lots of master's programs. There has to be programs you could apply to near Seattle or that are online. I don't think a 3 year master's progam in English is a good idea. Most MA programs are only 30 credits, 2 years, or less. What kind of job are you going to get with a MA in English? You may get an instructor job that doesn't pay well at a community college. I know, I have 2 MAs in education.

    If you want to teach at the college level you want a PhD. Apply to PhD programs or MA programs that are only 2 years so you can get started on your PhD after only 2 years. If you go to a college in the state where you are a resident it is much cheaper and you may not have to be a grad assistant.

    You may want to rethink English and choose something that has more job opportunities.

    Answer by Gailll at 1:25 PM on Dec. 27, 2009

  • You both love your prior families. You in Chicago and him (family) now in Seattle.

    If you loved him enough you'd stay with him. Is his feelings less importance than your?

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:36 PM on Dec. 27, 2009

  • It sounds as though you both need to bend or move on you miss your family and his mother obviously can 't be left alone
    If you can't find a way to meet in the middle then maybe it is not the right "fit " for either one of you

    Answer by freedomthinks at 1:58 PM on Dec. 27, 2009

  • Thank you everyone for your input so far! I very much appreciate it and all the different perspectives.

    I should add that his mother lived alone successfully for 30 years. She lived in Minnesota while he attended school in Chicago and was fine. It's only within the past 3 years that he has felt the need to live near her.

    Also, there's another brother who lives in Seattle as well. He lived in New York until recently.

    He has a dead-end job and often calls in misery over his job and financial situation. He cannot barely afford to live alone in Seattle due to high rent prices.

    I've suggested that his mother could come with us and we could all relocate to a place with a lower cost of living. For instance, back to the Minnesota she so recently left behind, or the Illinois we know.

    Thanks everyone!

    Answer by mchlbrowning at 2:05 PM on Dec. 27, 2009

  • Obligation is a strong feeling and in his case with his mom seems to outweigh love of a partner. He sounds like he's giving you the freedom to find yourself and the opportunity to find your fate. If you come back, then great and if not then it wasn't meant to be type of thing. He sounds like a philosophical and caring man. It's not that he doesn 't love you, I think it means he's giving you a great gift and sees it as part of his love for you.

    Answer by admckenzie at 2:11 PM on Dec. 27, 2009

  • A Master's degree in English is the worst idea I've ever heard. Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT do this. It is NO WAY to increase your earning potential. Unless you are looking to be a college prof, and the you need a PhD, there is NO WAY you will make money with that degree.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:14 PM on Dec. 27, 2009

  • If he even mentioned the word breaking-up to you then he doesn't think your relationship is more impt than his mother, so in that case, I would move on. Believe me, you want a man who is going to support you and if he's not and you are miserable here, then the sign is right there that this relationship isn't meant to be. Break-up and go back to Chicago. If it's meant to be later on, you'll find each other... otherwise, open your heart up to other possibilities.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:38 PM on Dec. 27, 2009

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