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Getting a divorce...

So last night my husband and I decided to get a divorce. It wasn't an easy decision but it was definitely one that was not really surprising to either of us.
We have two children. A three year old and a four month old. We want to make this as easy on them as possible.
We're planning on making a big move in the spring so we're going to keep things as normal as possible here until we move and then have the changes come with the move so it's one big transition.
It was a mutual decision that we genuinely feel is in the best interest of our kids.
We don't want o fight in front of them anymore and we don't want to stay together for their sake and grow to resent each other more and then drag them through an ugly divorce.

I'm happy we're on the same page about it but I'm still really sad that it's come to this.
I know it will be better in the long run but right now I just feel really sad.
If anyone has any advice I'd love to hear it.

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:54 PM on Dec. 27, 2009 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (9)
  • This woman is asking for advice on a decision that has already been made. To chide her on the fact that she's already made her decision IMHO is nothing but rude. It will be hard on the children, no doubt, divorce ALWAYS is... and it is ALWAYS better if you can make it work together, but she obviously has tried, so let's just help her without being critical.. She's gone through enough for petes sakes.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:08 PM on Dec. 27, 2009

  • I am SO very sorry for what you're going through... The best advice I can give you is to try and NEVER show resentment toward their father in front of the children--this can hurt them terribly... He will ALWAYS be their father no matter what and they need to love him as much as they love you. Also get a good support system going because you will NEED it as a single mom. Being a single mom is TOUGH believe me!! And the more people you have around you to help the MUCH better off you will be.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:02 PM on Dec. 27, 2009

  • My advice is to stay married. If you really want to do what is actually best for your kids, that is.

    Since you managed to come to a respectful agreement about this contentious issue, surely you can manage to come to one over the toilet paper, respectful language, civil behaviour around the children and how to best use your limited resources. You can decide not to fight in front of them anymore without a legal wrangle, without stripping one of their parents away from them, without unsettling them with a move, and without living together with resentment.

    Living with a clear purpose eliminates resentment, and may well open up the door to appreciation and kindness toward each other that you had never managed to find while you were trying so diligently to control each other and what you each thought and said.

    I have never met a happily married couple without problems, but sticking it out is an accomplishment.
    LindaClement

    Answer by LindaClement at 3:03 PM on Dec. 27, 2009

  • If you are moving out of state you may have to live there a certain number of months or years before you can divorce. Whatever state the divorce is in may be the state you are stuck in until the children are 18 or 21. There may even be a mile limit on the number of miles you can move from the county your divorce is from. When I was first divorced I could move no more than 60 miles.

    Even though everything seems all nice and mutual now make sure you protect yourself and your children with agreements that are good for you and the children. Try for sole custody. I've seen people that thought they were getting divorces that were mutual and were going to be good for everyone and then everything go wrong. One mother I knew ended up homeless with her daughter and her son in whatever jail was called for kids under 18.
    Gailll

    Answer by Gailll at 3:07 PM on Dec. 27, 2009

  • It sounds like you have thought this out. Good for you that you both could sit down and talk openly and make plans for the future. Settle things now and create a Parenting Plan so you know what to plan for in your move.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 3:14 PM on Dec. 27, 2009

  • OP-The move was happening anyways which is why we figured it would be best to have it all be one transition for him to go through.

    We honestly don't think that staying together for the kids is in their best interest. We've been doing that for too long already and we are not good as a couple. We fight all of the time and we don't want to drag our kids into that.
    We think that by doing it this way they will still be able to have us be a family with minimal dysfunction.
    This way we can still be friends and we still have a mutual respect for each other as parents and as people.
    If we keep going the way we were going then we would end up hating each other which would be good for no one.

    The arguments we have/had were never just over toilet paper and petty things. They were always about more.
    We don't want to make our kids suffer so that they can have a "typical" family.

    We have been sticking out for a long time now.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:15 PM on Dec. 27, 2009

  • OP-We live in Canada and our laws are that in order to get a divorce you first have to be separated for at least a year.

    I'm not worried about him trying to screw me over. He loves his kids too much to ever do anything horrible to me that would effect them in any way.
    We have gradually grown further and further apart despite our best efforts to make it work out.

    We already have custody plans figured out, which we did long before this was even an issue, just so that we would be prepared in case it did come to this.
    They will live with me and he will still see them every day. Holidays will remain the same, birthdays, major events etc...

    We've just not been in love with each other for a while now. We love each other as friends and I will always love him as the father of my children. I couldn't imagine having them with anyone else.
    We just want to hold on to that instead of losing that love through resentment and anger.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:20 PM on Dec. 27, 2009

  • OP-We aren't as concerned about the baby because she's still so little that it will mostly just be how life is, no real adjustment for her to make.
    Our son will be 3 next week and clearly understands more and has been used to our home situation for his whole life.

    What can we do(other than stay together) to ease him into it or more so how do we help him understand when he starts to ask questions?
    The kids are our top priority.
    We never want them to feel at fault or anything.

    I'm not a child of divorce so I don't know how to go about this.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:23 PM on Dec. 27, 2009

  • You just need to be honest. Mommy and Daddy couldn't stay together anymore because they couldn't find a way to make it work, but mommy and daddy still love you both and it has absolutely nothing to do with you. Kids just need you to be honest with them. There's nothing special you need to say and there's nothing that's going to keep it from hurting. You just need to be honest and tell them that you both love them and that they are not at fault.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:32 PM on Dec. 27, 2009