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To update BIO family or leave well enough alone?

When I was 8 weeks pregnant with my first DD things quickly fell apart with her sperm donor and family. 4 months after her birth I met a great man who is now my DH. My DD knows him as dad, the other guy is out of the picture and has been since I was 13 weeks pregnant. Lately I feel bad for his mom. I know as a mom, I would want to see pics of my grandchild. My DH considers my dd his in every way shape and form. He even talks about my pregnancy as if he was there. I don't want the mom or guy in our lives and we now live 1600 miles away from them.

I have her email address. I want to know if I should just send her a pic and a quick update. It has been 6 years. I dont want to open old wounds, or make them think twice about being involved in her life. Not sure what to do!!

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 1:03 AM on Dec. 28, 2009 in School-Age Kids (5-8)

Answers (19)
  • Let it go. Don't start something that you may later regret.


    Answer by legalmommy101 at 1:07 AM on Dec. 28, 2009

  • I agree, only regrets can come of this, especially since you dont' want them involved in your life.

    Maybe write a "fake" update out on paper and put it in an envelope and toss it, so you can kind of go through the motions and get the task out of your system so you can move on.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:30 AM on Dec. 28, 2009

  • I feel for your child not knowing her grandma. Sucks to be that child I was her and I don't speak to my mother now for keeping from my other family.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:37 AM on Dec. 28, 2009

  • Why would you feel for a child not knowing a family that has had nothing to do with her? Seriously anon, get a grip.


    Answer by legalmommy101 at 1:39 AM on Dec. 28, 2009

  • If she doesn't already have grandparents from you or the man she knows as her father then go and adopt some at the nearest nursing home. There is no need for you or her to get involved in the old bio family. God willing, she will never even have to know about them or him.

    Answer by always_chris at 2:00 AM on Dec. 28, 2009

  • I think that eventually you will need to tell your child the truth about her biology. I would personally start out at a younger age rather then waiting until she was a teen. I think she will be much more accepting of the truth now then if you waited.
    As far as contacting your ex's family................I dont know if I would do that just yet. I think I would talk to my daughter first. I think that since YOU dont want contact with that side of her family that is your choice but don't deny your daughter her heritage. She has the right to know about her family (even if they did walk out before she was born, that was not her fault)

    Good Luck with your decision.

    Answer by Roadfamily6now at 3:47 AM on Dec. 28, 2009

  • I am a mom through adoption and I have worked with many children who are adoptees. One thing I am most concerned about in your post is your daughter. Adoptees need to know, as soon as possible, about their biological parents. Yes, her dad is her dad in every way - accept one. She needs to know that. Talk to your husband and together figure out a way to tell your daughter, and soon, about her family history. Finding out later her life was not what was told to her could be very devastating. Most adoptees know from birth on so you have some catching up to do. Then provide your daughter with age appropriate information about her family, the things that you know. It isn't about her biological father's family and their feelings. It is about what is best for your child. When she is older and ready to have a relationship of her own with them she can. Until then give her what is her's - her history.


    Answer by frogdawg at 6:02 AM on Dec. 28, 2009

  • I would say if she hasn't asked about her then you shouldn't volunteer. I do agree that you DD needs the info so that she has some choice later on.

    Answer by truealaskanmom at 6:26 AM on Dec. 28, 2009

  • i wouldnt update the grandmother or anything! i mean, in all honesty- does the gma even KNOW that she has a grandkid out there? probably not since the spermdonor bounced out so quickly. i'd leave it alone, but i'd save any info that you have on that family. you'll need it one day. for your DD- I wouldnt tell her about her biodad just yet. she's 6 and its hard to grasp that idea.. my dad isnt my dad? who's my dad? why isnt my dad here? etc. maybe in a few years but right now, at 6 years old, i wouldnt do it. once after you tell her, it should somewhat be her decision if she wants to contact them. pretty sure if that family wanted to be involved, they'd contact you.

    Answer by Shy_Dia at 7:37 AM on Dec. 28, 2009

  • If the bio family hasn't searched you out then leave things alone. As for your daughter though she needs to know sooner rather then later that the man she calls dad is not biologically her father especially if you have or plan to have children with him. My mother waited until I was 13 and only told me because I was becoming friends with my half sister by my bio dad and she didn't know if she knew and/or would tell me. I was VERY bitter towards her and my adoptive dad for keeping it from me.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:40 AM on Dec. 28, 2009

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