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defiant 5 year old

my 5 year old dd is so defiant lately! she tells me no, does not listen, hits her sister, yells at me and dh, tells us she wont do things, says she doesn't have to listen to us and so on...she acts a lot like my 12 year old niece. How can I break her of this? time outs don't work, spanking doesn't work ( no bashing please) and talking to her or yelling doesn't work. I am at the end of my rope....HELP!!!

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Asked by Anonymous at 10:47 AM on Dec. 29, 2009 in General Parenting

Answers (9)
  • how long did you try time outs for? Sometimes it takes longer to sink in for kids, and is your husband doing it to?

    Answer by Apr1l at 10:53 AM on Dec. 29, 2009

  • Get a parenting class to learn the reasons why you don't suppose to spank your kids, then you won't be wondering where is all this rebellion behavior coming from. I am not bashing, I am trying to help you figure out some of the roots of the problems you are describing. If what you are doing isn't working, try something else, like taking the class on parenting.

    Answer by bebita at 10:57 AM on Dec. 29, 2009

  • No bashing my ass, bebita. You could have said it much nicer then.

    Anyway, I think it's a phase. I'm going through the same thing with my son. He will be 5 on the 4th. I have tried time outs, taking away toys, and I have finally resorted to spanking. I think I've found a solution for him. I think he feels like he isn't getting enough attention. I have made it a point to spent a lot of quality time with him lately. I just came to this realization two days ago so I haven't seen any improvements yet but if I do I'll let you know. LOL


    Answer by vnw1405 at 11:30 AM on Dec. 29, 2009

  • This is normal. Have you tried talking to her and asking her why she is behaving this way?

    Rather than jump around with lots of different approaches, you need to always be consistent with rewards and discipline. Your child may actually respond better to positive reinforcement, like reward charts, than negative.

    Answer by rkoloms at 11:30 AM on Dec. 29, 2009

  • You have to be one step ahead of her. Don't lose your temper with her, this teaches them that they get a reaction from their behavior. Teach her to choose her consequences.

    There has to be SOMETHING that you can use to have leverage over her. For my DD, it is TV & Video games. Do not yell at her, or spank her or even raise your voice. You can get your point across without doing any of that by keeping things away from her that matters most. Maybe it's desert after dinner, or maybe it's the movie she gets to watch in the evening. There HAS to be something you can use as leverage, every child has one.

    For instance, if she refuses to clean up her mess give her two options. 1) clean up her mess or 2) she loses TV time. If she chooses not to clean up, simply take away her TV time. Do not argue with her or get mad, just do it & STICK WITH IT. She will learn the hard way. And she will learn to choose her consequence.

    Answer by samurai_chica at 11:57 AM on Dec. 29, 2009

  • VNW is correct. Children learn to get attention by misbehaving. Try spending more quality time with her & see if her behavior changes. I know it can be hard sometimes, to find enough time to spend quality one on one time with our kids, but it is very necessary. If you do something with just her, & give her ALL your attention & reward her when she is good, then she could change. If spanking & time outs do not work, then you need a different approach. Positive reinforcement works wonders, but most parents don't have the time/patience for it, so they just spank instead.

    Answer by samurai_chica at 12:03 PM on Dec. 29, 2009

  • How long has she been doing this? Is she around the 12 yr old a lot? Children learn what they live. If the older child is being a bad influence then I'd begin by keeping her away from the older child. I'd remind her every time she does something inappropriate that it's not acceptable. Hitting is never acceptable. I'd say something like "wouldn't you be sad if someone hit you?:" That would teach her empathy. If she says she doesn't have to listen I would reply (CALMLY but firmly) "Yes you do bc I'm your mother and I love you and want to teach you how to be a good girl". If she yells at you I'd say "I cannot listen to you when you shout at me. It hurts my ears. Please use your indoor voice so I can hear you". Teach her in your responses how to properly respond to you, in a gentle voice. Show her undivided attention by looking her in the eye. Listen when she speaks and tell her you want her to do the same. It will take time

    Answer by admckenzie at 2:23 PM on Dec. 29, 2009

  • I do believe this is mostly the age, it's still not acceptable though. My dd is five and has been very mouthy lately, we also do not spank. HItting a child solves nothing. We take things away and she looses privileges. We also talk to our kids alot, about everything, why they felt a certain way, why they did what they did, that it was unacceptable, we also ask them if they thought what they did was acceptable, rather then tell them. We also come up with solutions on how to handle these things in the future. Hope that helps

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:23 PM on Dec. 29, 2009

  • My 6 years old has been doing that also ESPECIALLY with her daddy! He JUST came home from a deployment, but she SHOULD know better. Everything is a privledge in our house and you have to earn what you have. Those cute lil dolls she has all the way to her favorite purple sheets. Maybe it's very "military" of us, but it works. If she doesn't listen and acts out things get taken away. I ask her why does she have nice things? She says because she was good and she can have nice things. Ugly behavior doesn't get nice things. We spank also if we took something away from her that day and she STILL is being ugly then she will get a spank. I believe spanking solves things, but you HAVE TO look at the child. For example my 6 year old is hard headed and needs a spank some times and THEN she gets it. Her sister on the other hand you give her the "mommy voice" she breaks into tears and and is well behaved. Good luck =)

    Answer by MariahD at 6:28 PM on Dec. 30, 2009

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