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Domestic Violence Survivors...

How long has it taken you to get past the flash backs, the things that trigger a defensive response? Or do you feel you will ever be able to?

I lived in literal hell- through atrocities that most women find unable to accept as reality, that another person could be so heartless, so evil... If I hadn't lived through the things that I have, I wouldn't believe it either.
Now that I have made my escape, and am trying in the most desperate sense to heal, to be whole again (is that even possible?), I find myself being triggered by silly things that I would never have thought about- and are no ones fault but my own... I wonder if it will ever end, if I will be whole again.

I am tired, so tired, of remembering.

Answer Question
 
ObbyDobbie

Asked by ObbyDobbie at 10:56 AM on Dec. 29, 2009 in Relationships

Level 34 (70,074 Credits)
Answers (14)
  • I was abused as a child all the way up til I was 21. I never can forget. The things I went thru you couldnt even imagine.
    Things my mom, brothers, step dads, dad, step moms, and bfs did to me are just to much. Im 23 now and I still remember
    Mrs.Owen86

    Answer by Mrs.Owen86 at 10:58 AM on Dec. 29, 2009

  • Yes time is a great healer. Dont forget to get counselling as well. Then instead of getting scared or defensive get mad. Not outwardly but inward. Channel that into something constructive in a positive way. I.e. self defense class. This way you are going to take control over something you had no control over. You may not realize it but women are actually stronger than men. We can take abuse and etc yet still survive and thrive afterwards. The choices you make will make you a stronger woman. Good luck! :)
    Have a great day!:)
    CloudWeaver

    Answer by CloudWeaver at 11:00 AM on Dec. 29, 2009

  • A good therapist will benefit you.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:05 AM on Dec. 29, 2009

  • It hapeens to sexual abuse survivors too and I believe it is part of Post Tramatic Stress syndrome. It is important to deal with the feelings and aftermath of your abuse and not try to just stuff it down. Maybe write your feelings and burn them or tear up the paper. The flashbacks will lessen with time and try not to let them get you to bad. You cant help if it springs up in your mind but you cna choose what you want to think about. You may think..wow tis time the trigger was____. Then decide not to think about it or let it effect your day. I think over time they will get less and less. The thougths and feeling you are having will be best dealt with out of you. It is hard when you have it all in your mind. If you havent seen a counselor I would encourage you to. If you cant it may help to find a ministers wife or someone you cna trust to encourage you. Writing is very good therapy and I find it helps to put it on paper.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:06 AM on Dec. 29, 2009

  • You dont have to show anyone what you write but atleast it is out of your mind and on the paper instead.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:07 AM on Dec. 29, 2009

  • I will never forget what happened, but thankfully I havent had any flashbacks or defended myself out of "instinct and experience" with other boyfriends.
    Owl_Feather

    Answer by Owl_Feather at 11:08 AM on Dec. 29, 2009

  • K Sweetie, 1st here is a group to help you with your feelings & I hope to see you there-


    http://www.cafemom.com/group/107615/


    Here is the description: When your heart feels so full of sadness and desperation, find the hope to mend your broken wings here.


    Now to answer your question, I am too a survivor of domestic violence! I believe it all depends on the person to how fast you heal & it depends on how much support you have! I still have flashbacks & am still paranoid, ( it has been over 6 yrs) looking over my shoulder. My life is so much better but not all of that part of my life has been buried yet, there are still shadows roaming my graveyard of memories. I know that it does help to talk about it & remind myself that I am worthy & will never take that abuse again; i will fight back!!! (((HUGS)))

    sdc9579

    Answer by sdc9579 at 11:15 AM on Dec. 29, 2009

  • it has been over a year since i left, and 8 months since i got my son back (my ex kidnapped him when i left)... i do not have the physical responses now, flinching when my SO touches me, or swinging when someone surprises me from behind.
    it is more an emotional response, and it triggers memories i would just as soon forget.

    my ex deserves to be in prison, but unfortunately I can not prove the things he has done. without witnesses it is a he says/she says scenario. the many, many times he almost killed me... and it was so much worse when I was pregnant. I just want to forget, and I thought I had begun to, but something silly that happened last night triggered a response that I was not prepared for and has carried into my day today. I just want it to end... I never cry, but I sure feel like it now.
    ObbyDobbie

    Answer by ObbyDobbie at 11:19 AM on Dec. 29, 2009

  • It all depends on the severity of the abuse, duration and how strong you are now and if you are working toward moving forward and allowing the healing to proceed. It sounds like you are so that's good. It took me years. Each year got better but there are still triggers. One day I was with my now SO and he moved his arm and I flinched and started crying. He would never hit me. I know that but the reaction was as if it were my x there. Sometimes it just pops up but it doesn't happen very often anymore. Just hang in there. It will fade into the background a bit each day.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 12:54 PM on Dec. 29, 2009

  • I don't think it ever goes away completely. I still have night mares. I keep thinking that if he had gone to prison (the prosecutor deserves to be in prison too) that I would feel better.

    It's okay to imagine him getting hit by a Mac truck and then being fully conscious and trapped in a nursing home crapping his pants and unable to communicate for the next 80 years and in chronic pain that no doctor can treat.

    I try to live in the moment. I try to be very present in right now. I focus on my healthy normal marriage and my pregnancy. I'm also working on a collection of essays about the whole thing. It's my way of letting other women know it's okay to feel their feelings.
    ecodani

    Answer by ecodani at 1:04 PM on Dec. 29, 2009

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