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Losing my daughter.. Help!!

My daughter just turned 13, within the last year she has completely changed. She is trying to be a gothic/emo kid with crazy hair colors & dark clothes. She use to be an A/B student & now she is failing. I don't think she has done drugs or had sex (yet) but I did find out she had phone sex with some guy she has never met. She is sneaking off at night and talking to people she has never met. She is hanging out with kids at school I tell her not to. The big issue is that she is now living with her father. We are close and make decisions together about her but it is hard for me because she isn't with me. I just get these fillings that she is doing something she shouldn't be and I do some investigating- that's when I find out things. We are going to counseling. I have taken her phone/computer and her free time away but she still sneaks off & finds ways to do things. I am just afraid she's going to end up pregnant or worse- Help!!!

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Asked by Anonymous at 2:16 PM on Dec. 29, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (7)
  • You need to talk you your daughter and really hear her answers.Ask her why she is behaving this way. Why are her grades falling? Where does she see herself in five years? ten years? How does an education fit into this.

    I would also test her for drugs and STDs and, if you have not yet, have the banana and condom talk with her

    Answer by rkoloms at 2:23 PM on Dec. 29, 2009

  • as far as her wanting to "be a gothic/emo kid with crazy hair colors & dark clothes" I wouldn't worry about it a lot of tehm do it for awhile then sorta let it go-though some don't me ;)
    there are plenty of GOOD people who are goths
    the other things ARE issues though. I know with my daughter- I we rae very close and I think it is because I have talked and listened to her since she was little...letting her know that she needs to love herself and respect herself. I think that has a lot to do with her being 16 now and not smoking/drinking/doing drugs/having sex. She is firm in her bleieves and will not be too close of friends with people she feels will bring her down (at least so far...)
    I'm not sure what kind of relationship you have/had with her but really TALKING goes a LONG way I think. I don't think it is too late to start
    good luck
    *and the more you don't want her to do certain things-the more she will try.

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 2:24 PM on Dec. 29, 2009

  • pick your battles.
    Good luck

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 2:24 PM on Dec. 29, 2009

  • the outside look isn't what matters. Tattoos every where, gothic, preppy in the long run mean nothing. I agree though you need to sit your daughter down and really listen to what she says. You may not like what you hear but something is going on and she may be afraid of you and her dad's reactions. Now is not the time to judge her or question her. Now is the time that she needs someone to be in her court. Good luck. And I also agree the more you say don't then more some kids try.

    Answer by pagirl71 at 3:41 PM on Dec. 29, 2009

  • i am so sorry i have two daughters 19-17.. eldest gave us a run for our dollar..i agree with the above comments let the whole cloth hair thing slide by you they are just window dressing, you have some very serious issues that need to be dealt with, how on board and worried is her dad? what are you hearing from the school? is she an only child? Our children look to us to STOP them.even tho they scream not fair, i hate you, your spoiling my life and the best one "no one else mum/dad is this mean..filling the last word it may be a bit stronger.
    from what you have told us her behaviour is a cry for help, i think you would be wise to get professional help. her acting out at a young age(still junior high with what are very self destructive and dangerous behaviours are indicators that something more than teenage hormones are at play.. you know what is best for your child, you and dad will find the path keep telling her i love you

    Answer by starmum44 at 4:21 PM on Jan. 1, 2010

  • Agreed on the clothing issue, it is just clothes and hair and can and probably will change back. I think your bigger issues are her behavior. If she has had phone sex it is hard to say that she hasn't had sex. You may want to take her to the dr to get some form of birth control. Counseling may help, only if she tells the counselor the truth. Try to be calm and get her to do things with you. Ask about her friends and what they do. Try any way you can to get back in without being forceful.

    Good luck.

    Answer by dceier at 9:47 PM on Jan. 10, 2010

  • I have a daughter who is in to the crazy hair and things- that is not an issue. She is just expressing herself. As far as the other issues, those would concern me. How is she sneaking away to meet people? Is she home alone? If so, get her a babysitter. If she can't follow the rules and stay in the house then don't leave her home alone. If she is sneaking out at night, get a home alarm system. That way she can't sneak out without setting it off. Take a weekend and take her somewhere just the 2 of you and talk to her. But you have to be willing to listen too. Tell her that the hair and clothes bother you, but that you are willing to allow it to continue as long as other things change. Kids want us to guide them, they don't want us to grab them by the hair and drag them!!!

    Answer by tishalb at 5:10 AM on Jan. 24, 2010

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