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When do you leave?

Wondering when enough is enough. My dh doesn't give me the attention I need (not so much as 5 mins of conversation @ the end of the day). He's driving me crazy, starting to wonder if he's doing it on purpose. I know every relationship is different & has its ups & downs but I have been telling him since we started living together (18 mo) that I need more of his time & attention (before things were fine). Now w dd, 8 mo we NEVER have time alone together, when she's asleep he's sleeping (last night I put her down early so we could have 15 mins together, I came out & he had gone to bed). He works 16-18 hours a day, most of the time 6 days a week. He doesn't help around the house AT ALL, I mean to the point of I found his socks IN the kitchen sink yesterday. He only does things w/ dd when I force him to spend time w/ her, he can hold her while she's screaming & tune her out. No he's not abusive, bc he works so much I cont


Asked by Anonymous at 8:40 AM on Dec. 30, 2009 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (12)
  • I totally understand your point, but your dh is working really long hours. I think you need to just accept it for now. He is working so hard for you and your family. He may be feeling overwhelmed by all the financial responsibility. Not saying I think you should go to work, I think it is the best thing to do staying home with your child if at all possible. I just think you should give him a break, he is coming home. Maybe on his next off day, get a sitter for a couple hours, if possible, or at nap time, make a special time for you two, maybe a dinner with candles and all, or just some alone time. Reconnect with him. Start telling him and showing him how much you appreciate how hard he works for your family. Put little notes in his lunch, or pants pocket. If you start acting like you appreciate him so much, he'll remember why he's working so hard. GL

    Answer by robyann at 10:17 AM on Dec. 30, 2009

  • get to stay home w/ her, if I did leave it would be to another state most of the way across the country. Just wondering when my happiness matters. I'm so miserable & lonely, no fam here, few friends, trying to make more but just really want attention from my spouse!!!! That's the whole reason I got married, I was happy on my own, by myself, didn't need a man around to make me feel whole. I thought he was my best friend & now he pays less attention to me than the ppl he hates @ work. Please only help, can't take meanness today :(
    heartbroken & crying

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:43 AM on Dec. 30, 2009

  • OP here: yes I've told him how I feel, repeatedly in diff ways to get him to understand, asked for marriage counseling but he's not available during hours therapists work.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:44 AM on Dec. 30, 2009

  • tell him if he doesnt shape up youre leaving.

    Answer by truealaskanmom at 8:50 AM on Dec. 30, 2009

  • Well he does work a lot. I personally do not think you should expect him to help clean the house when he works so much. About helping with the baby. The same thinghe works a lot. If you want him to watch the baby while you do something, just hand him the baby and go do what you have to do,take a shower, cook dinner, go to the store. About the talking to you part. Has he ever been a big talker? If not, you knew this when you met him. He wont change.

    Answer by louise2 at 8:50 AM on Dec. 30, 2009

  • I don't think it is a good reason to leave him. I understand the loneliness and frustration. But he is working hard to take care of the family and that is important. You need to get out and make friends. Build up your life. I would not expect him to do housework if he works that long of hours. Maybe you guys can try to plan some alone time on his day off. Anyhow, if you leave, it will just be you and your baby, plus you will probably need to work. It will not be any better without him. So maybe having some financial stability is valuable. Stay and work on expanding your life with friends and activities.

    Answer by Allie428 at 9:01 AM on Dec. 30, 2009

  • OP here: thanks ladies for the nice & helpful responses!!! I did want to add that its not that I expect him to help me w/ the housework (I gave up on that dream a long time ago) its that I expect him as he takes off his dirty clothes to not create more work for me by leaving them in the kitchen sink! He's inconsiderate when it comes to things like that, he'll leave the lid off the milk, sitting on the counter & then complain there's no milk in the house cuz it went bad!!! Things like that vs dishes, floors etc. I just feel that he puts his all into work & there's nothing left for me (yes this is different than when we 1st met), when I calmly explain to him how i feel he doesn't get it, when I break down crying he tries for 2-3 days then things go back to quiet.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:07 AM on Dec. 30, 2009

  • It sounds to me like he has a lot going on and when he gets home he just zones out. My SO is like this, he works 40+ and is a full time student. We met when he was working only 40 hours and not going to school. He was incredibly helpful and we had an amazing relationship. Things have gotten rough, but I see a light at the end of the tunnel. Is he working all these hours for a reason? Is it so you can be a SAHM? If that's the case, she'll eventually start school and you can go back to work and some of his burden will be relieved. He may also resent you for this, even if it's something you agreed on. Ask him how he's feeling and what you can do to help him out. I do this for my SO and it tends to help him focus on what he has to do, then he has time for DD and I and he actually does nice things for us without any prodding.

    Answer by camiam81 at 9:09 AM on Dec. 30, 2009

  • You have got to be kidding me. The man works 6 days a week up to 18 hours a day and you want him to do housework, play with the baby and give you attention? I'm sorry but that's just asking too much of the man. Maybe if he gets his hours cut back or gets a couple of days off but for now, let the man rest and be happy he comes home.

    Answer by admckenzie at 9:27 AM on Dec. 30, 2009

  • OP here to admckenzie, please reread I DO NOT expect him to help w/ housework, I expect him as he takes his dirty clothes off he not leave his socks in the kitchen sink.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:34 AM on Dec. 30, 2009