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Do you ever feel like you are nothing but a blow-up doll and a maid?

I really feel this way most of the time anymore. My husband says he loves me but his actions say otherwise. I have tried and tried to talk to him. I explain as gently as possible what I need emotionally and I get little to no response from him. He is super stressed because he is unemployed right now but he is a great person and a hard worker I know he will find work. I try to be supportive and patient. I don't demand or I try really hard not to. Last night we had sex but it felt more as if he was too lazy to beat off and just used me instead. When he was done he just rolled over and fell asleep. I felt so icky. What more can I do? We have been having major problems for over a year now. I want my marriage to work but when do I say enough?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:19 PM on Dec. 30, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • Next time say no.If you aren't into it than you shouldn't have to do it.Make him treat you better by valuing yourself more.
    boogernoodle

    Answer by boogernoodle at 1:21 PM on Dec. 30, 2009

  • OP here: Thanks for that. I have said no in the past and then I have gotten accused of cheating or not finding him attractive neither of which is true.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:23 PM on Dec. 30, 2009

  • Ugh, sorry. I couldn't deal with that everyday.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:25 PM on Dec. 30, 2009

  • Sounds like my husband but one day i had it with him and i started to text him while he was at work and i told him if he doesnt get over him self and being selfish i am leaving and i meant it. He quit playing world of warcraft in the mornings (he is on block leave now, works in the army) He gets on after we eat breakfast, wash dishes, watch tv, go to the market, store, hang out) he starts to get on in the afternoon-evening time instead of in the morning and all night until 3am. So that is better then me seeing him do nothing. He is actually cleaning the garage now and helping me around the house. he does get lazy at times so i have to yell at him lol.

    I think you need to threaten your husband, marriage counseling?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:31 PM on Dec. 30, 2009

  • It is normal for men to fall to sleep after orgasm. Have you told him, during the act, "Honey, I need you to do this, or to the left, or stay right there?" We have a responsibility to teach our husbands what pleases us and demand it! Or, as cold as it sounds, to stop him in the act and say "No, I feel like a blow up doll to you." Or do him and stop right at THAT moment and say "This is how I feel when you do me." Somehow this tends to make my husband understand better, during the act, than afterwards. Kudos to you for trying to understand the stress that you're both under. I pray that things get better for you.
    Ewadun

    Answer by Ewadun at 1:57 PM on Dec. 30, 2009

  • OP here: Thanks Ewadun for your kind answer. I really do recognize that he is feeling inadequate and very stressed over not having a job at the moment but I am confident in him. I don't think it is too much for me to ask that he be kind and respectful towards me stressed or not though. He just looks at me with such unfeeling eyes. I wonder if he is just going through the motions or what. We have been married for 11 years. I have been very clear about what I like and don't like as far as sex goes. When he is his normal self he likes me to tell him but when he is not he treats me as though I were a slut if I talk about liking sex. I get so many mixed messages from him now more than ever that I am just past the point of being able to look at it clearly.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:04 PM on Dec. 30, 2009

  • "It is normal for men to fall to sleep after orgasm."


    Um, no it's not. And if it is, then I have a very abnormal husband. OP, you have to put your needs up front. Tell him what you want and need straight out. Don't sugar coat it or use code. Men need to be told things point blank in a very simple way. If he can't or won't cahnge, then it's time to get out while the getting is good. Tell him you are not happy anymore, and if he won;t work with you to make things better, you will leave him. It seems it has gotten to that point anyway.

    NightPhoenix

    Answer by NightPhoenix at 2:23 PM on Dec. 30, 2009

  • This kind of behavior from a husband is often indicative of some need that he has that is not being met by his wife. Sex for a man really is a physical need, more so than for a woman. Even though he may feel that he is not being given proper respect or encouragement, he still needs that physical release. Also, a man's self-worth is very much tied up in his work, so without a job, he is probably feeling very badly about himself. Men are much less likely to be able to articulate their feelings but a wife can learn a lot if she is willing to pay close attention to what he does say. When you get into an argument with him, is there one key phrase that he repeats? It could be something like, "I'm just a failure." My guess is there is something that is deeply troubling your husband, so I would listen very closely to every word that he says in order to learn what that thing is. Then I would try to help him with it.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 2:45 PM on Dec. 30, 2009

  • I can tell you that that's exactly how I feel anymore we are on 11 yrs too, It just seems like he wants to make love so he says but I feel underappreciated so I was just thinking this the other day that's how I feel. I am someone to cook, clean go to work, make the house payment and be his sex toy when he wants it but yet he can come home from work and sit on his a$$ and do nothing but then complain that things aren't done or put away well Damn I'm tired after working all day too. Oh and if I try & tell him how I feel well then he just satrts throwing stuff back in my face like you're just making something up is usually what he says.
    We've gone to couples counseling & even when the counselor tells him the same thing I do he just tries to justify his answers
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:25 PM on Dec. 30, 2009

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