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Do you think that a victim of domestic violence holds any responsiblity for what her children go through and see?

I lived with my mom and step-dad for almost 15 years. He beat her and was an alcoholic. I think my mom was a fuctional alcoholic. For years, I thought she was a domestice abuse survivor.........when I had my own kids I began to see things differently. She could have left, and did, but always to retrun. I get the cycle of it all, but I cannot look past my mom being responsible for our life too. What is your opnion? There are tons of details I'm leaving out due to space and time, but isn't the mom responsible to protect the kids regardless of her own mess? I find myself really conflicted with this now, years later.

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Asked by Teachermom01 at 3:05 PM on Dec. 30, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (16)
  • You are exactly right! I had the same issues with my mother. Only she finally left my father for good when I was 5. And we were the reason why she did, to prtect us from seeing the abuse she was put through.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:07 PM on Dec. 30, 2009

  • Yes you are right, but your mother's disease prevented her from getting help! I guess you must forgive her if you can, and not make the same mistakes she did! Weak people are everywhere, but you certainly sound like you are a STRONG woman that wouldn't ever put her kiddos in danger,,,,I am sorry about your childhood, but the best revenge is to make sure you children have a great one!

    Answer by kimigogo at 3:08 PM on Dec. 30, 2009

  • I think that if a mother is in a situation where her and her children are in danger it is absolutely her fault, end of discussion. If you can't be grown up to have children and put them first, don't have children.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:09 PM on Dec. 30, 2009

  • yes, we are responsible. absolutely. that said, the ones of us that leave and do not go back, generally do so because of the children. or that is what i would like to think. i know that was true for me.

    Answer by ObbyDobbie at 3:09 PM on Dec. 30, 2009

  • My dad abused my mother their whole 15yrs of marriage. Abuse has been what I've known all my life because of it. When I married an abusive man and had a child with him, I couldn't let my son live a life like I did and left him when my son was 4yrs old. I have very little respect for my mother because of her decisions, among other reasons (she is a horrible mother). I used to feel sad for her but she is now in a verbally abusive relationship with another man for 10yrs now and its the same bs. I'm so glad I broke my cycle of abuse and am making a good life for my little boy, because he deserves the best!! I'd rather live the rest of my life single than bring a man into his life that would hurt either him or I.

    Answer by worriedmommy600 at 3:09 PM on Dec. 30, 2009

  • My mother was in two abusive relationships when i was a from age 2-16 the other right after that(with it ending with her diabled for life)

    When i was 21 i got into a relationship, the first real serious one of my life, and it began to be abusive, after i was pregnant and gave birth... i left, and was stalked..

    It is DEFINATELY the mother fault for letting their child(ren) grow up in an abusive home. I grew up watching my mother constantly take back these abusive me, as well tell me i should apologize to THEM when they hit me.

    My son is now 2 and I am married to a wonderful caring responsible man who loves me and my son with all his heart and would die to protect us.

    I love my mother and she has come a long way since ending the last relationship and is now content with staying single for the rest of her life.

    Answer by tntmom1027 at 3:22 PM on Dec. 30, 2009

  • Part of my issue is that she (my mom) won't be held accountable or take responsibility for anything. She claims she is a Catholic and could not leave, although we never went to church. I just feel 15 years is too long for this to go on. I am strong, but my mom tries to take credit for my accomplishments. I am proud that my kids will never wake up to a beating or other bad behaviors. I just don't agree that the "victim" should not be held accountable for her choices. Everyday there was a choice to leave regardless of the fear, and everyday that we stayed was so damaging that I cannot forgive her. I don't know how. There are so many related issues other than the violence, but my mom just smells like a sweet rose and it makes me sick because I see and know the truth.


    Answer by Teachermom01 at 3:25 PM on Dec. 30, 2009

  • I hate to say it but yes. My cousin's stepdad abused all of them and now my older cousin is basically screwed up and my younger cousin moved to the other side of the country to get away from him. I don't know how my aunt was able to put them through getting the glasses slapped of their faces on a regular basis without kicking his ass which is what I would have done. Actually no, I would have left. Which is what I did when my ex tried to choke me for the first time. I got the hell outta dodge. I had no money, but I knew I couldn't stay in that relationship for my son. I'm reading about 4 teens from Indiana who killed a 12 year old girl. The 2 older girls were abused or lived in a home where the mom was abused and raped on a regular basis. You can't help but wonder, if the moms had left the dads, would their kids have grown to be so violent, they could kill another kid?

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:33 PM on Dec. 30, 2009

  • YES AND THOSE TYPE OF WOMEN DISGUST ME IF YOU WANT THE TRUTH.Its just as much the womans fault as it is the man that is beating her,ive always said that always will

    Answer by mommy16love at 4:27 PM on Dec. 30, 2009

  • I agree that women are responsible for getting her child(ren) out of an abusive household, I left my ex the day I realized that if I stayed my son would grow up thinking beating me and in the future his girlfriends/wife was an okay thing to do. On the other hand I do know the fear that makes women go back to an abusive man, I thought about going back to protect my son because my ex threatened to kidnap him and his mother (my ex-mil) told me several times she was supportive of him taking my son and leaving the state and I believed I would never be able to find him. The thought process of abused women is not the same as one who has never been in that situation, I was willing to have my ex beat me for the stupidest things to know he would not take my son away. I don't know your pain, I was not the child, but I am willing to bet your mother was doing what she thought was best.


    Answer by goaliemom93 at 4:48 PM on Dec. 30, 2009

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