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Discouraged

My friend and I had our daughters 2 weeks apart. Her daughter went full term and was born 2 weeks before Gwen came into the world. Gwen on the other hand was a high risk pregnancy (She was a twin but the twin didn't make it) and was brought (Via surgery C section..completely put me under) into the world a month early. My friends daughter is thriving and crawling and just getting into everything and seems to be hitting all the milestones on time. Gwen isn't. It doesn't bother me and I don't even compare them to each other because I know there were different circumstances in place for each baby. My problem is I can't get my family or my husbands family to quit comparing them. I can't get them to stop talking so down on Gwen cause she isn't as developed as they would like her to be. They aren't trying to be mean but it gets discouraging to hear.."She can't crawl yet? She can't sit by herself yet? She can't do this or this yet"

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Faeriebrat

Asked by Faeriebrat at 11:50 PM on Dec. 30, 2009 in Babies (0-12 months)

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Answers (10)
  • how do I politely tell the family that she is just where she needs to be? I mean we do the tummy time..we do the walker, we do exersaucers..she is just uninterested in doing things like that yet.
    Faeriebrat

    Answer by Faeriebrat at 11:53 PM on Dec. 30, 2009

  • Politely tell them to kiss your a$$. All babies regardless of how they were born develop differently. My sil and I had babies about 6 weeks apart and her baby is crawling and getting into everything while mine sits. To be honest, after dealing with my first baby walking at 6 months, I'm perfectly happy that my baby just sits.

    legalmommy101

    Answer by legalmommy101 at 11:55 PM on Dec. 30, 2009

  • Explain to them as nicely as you can, for the 100th time I am sure, that she will develop in her own time and that every baby does. Let them know that while She doesn't understand it, You do and it really bothers you that they have to constantly compare. There is no reason for it. Tell them to enjoy the baby before them and not to worry about such things, because you are her mother and you will do the worrying when it needs doing. Take Care.
    mom2BOYZnDad

    Answer by mom2BOYZnDad at 11:57 PM on Dec. 30, 2009

  • I don't know how you can stop them but I know how you feel. My sil and I had babies 6 weeks apart. My son was way ahead of my niece, they are two now and he still is. Just now it is comparing how they talk. I felt so bad for my sil at Christmas when the family is like, Sarah, why aren't you talking like Drew? Sarah, what are you grunting at? We don't understand you. It is horrible. Gosh, every child is different. You would think everyone would realize that since they are all parents themselves! Maybe just keep telling them, look she was early, you have to go by an adjusted age. Perhaps that would help them understand? My oldest was 5 weeks early and he hit milestones a little later but now at 3 yrs old you would never guess. As long as you know she is where she should be that is all that really matters. Just try to let in go in one ear and out the other. Good luck to you!!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:06 AM on Dec. 31, 2009

  • I try to stay calm and polite..but it always seems like they know better than me.. and my family and his family has different views on how she should be doing..what should be eating..and it just frustrating.. It gets to the point I don't even like going to anyone's house at times. Because even though I would prefer her not be giving certain table foods..especially when I am trying to get her to eat her baby food they act as if they can't hear me and feed her anyway. My mom is on the opposite side of the extreme..she thinks she should have no table foods and that I should show my behind and tell them if they can't stop giving her any kind of table foods than we won't be coming over. It just soo annoying after a while. I do value their opinions and concerns because they have several children and Gwen is my first but I get so tired of feeling underminded all the time. I know they mean well and think they know best.
    Faeriebrat

    Answer by Faeriebrat at 12:07 AM on Dec. 31, 2009

  • You need to just let ur family know that all kidos are different. Certain things that happen in their lives even do make a differance how they develope.
    ASHDREWMAMA

    Answer by ASHDREWMAMA at 12:09 AM on Dec. 31, 2009

  • What this is all stemming from is your insecurities in yourself as a parent. You need to stop leaving room for other's to doubt you and doubt your abilities as a parent. What you are feeling is normal. When you have your first child you can't wait till they hit all these milestones but then you look back and realize how much you miss what they were like before they hit those milestones. Sit back and enjoy that beautiful baby girl. If anyone starts comparing, either tell them off or tune them out. Say, I'm just so glad that i'm getting to spend this much time with her watching her (lay, sit etc) because she's going to be walking for the rest of her life. :)

    legalmommy101

    Answer by legalmommy101 at 12:17 AM on Dec. 31, 2009

  • I think my biggest worry is (besides the fact it is annoying and I feel they are indicating I'm not raising her right) is that I fear they will get so in the habit of "why can't you..Why doesn't she" that they will continue on with the questions over the span of her developing. I know she doesn't understand them yet (all she knows is they are talking to/at her) but when she gets older and can understand what they are saying I don't want her to feel in any way she isn't just as good as her cousins/friends/other kids because she hasn't accomplished what they have. I don't want her to feel like she isn't perfect just the way she is. I know every child goes through feelings of "not being good enough" and that stems from the outside world. I think the home should be the place your child feels safe and wanted and perfect just as they are. How can you instill that in them if all you can ask is "Why arent you doing more than you are"
    Faeriebrat

    Answer by Faeriebrat at 12:31 AM on Dec. 31, 2009

  • Don't worry about the actions of others for long term, just think about the here and now. You are a first time parent, some of your feelings may be right on and you may be a little sensitive because you feel a tad insecure. It's all normal. Babies don't come with instruction manuals and families tend to chill out after a few years of the kid being around. Right now she's still fresh so everyone want to put their two cents in and tell you what to to. Everyone goes through it.

    legalmommy101

    Answer by legalmommy101 at 12:38 AM on Dec. 31, 2009

  • Don't let em get you down. You just need to tell them you are worried how their constant comparisons could make her feel or affect her self esteem in the future; you don't want them to get into the habit of saying those things. If they ignore you and keep doing it, tell em they're still doing it and if they want to see their niece they will stop.

    I'd put my foot down now, because you are RIGHT. I was/am CONSTANTLY compared to my cousins and their math abilities, their physical abilities, their music abilities - and it wore me down as a kid and into adulthood. I mean I tried and try my hardest. I joined ballet but wasn't as good at it, I played 3 instruments but wasn't AS good at them, & I was just plain bad at math. No one bothers to point out positives about me. Now at Christmas it's that I didn't get a Masters and all of my cousins did and have great careers & I'm just a mom.. It's been lifelong. Stop it now.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:33 AM on Dec. 31, 2009

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