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some advice please.

last night DS and i went over to my friends house. i dated this guy for a while but we have remained close friends. well my DH thought that i was cheating on him with my friend which was not the case at all. anyway, DH came to my friends house and banged on the door and just started a lot of crap, threatening my friend not to try anything with me because im married, etc. my friend knows this and much more respect for me and my DH than that to try anything. now my friend is saying that he cant deal with the threats and now we cant be friends because of this. he is my best friend and i hate to lose him over stupid shit. any advice on what i should do? should i just leave him alone and let him cool off and then try to explain things to him? we already have had a fight similar to this and didnt talk for a couple of days and then he started talking to me again saying he cant stand it when we dont. any ideas?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:23 AM on Dec. 31, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • He can't stand not talking to you? Is his friendship worth losing your marriage? I would have a problem if my DH had this close of a female friend.
    mommorgan

    Answer by mommorgan at 11:29 AM on Dec. 31, 2009

  • I'm not bashing but I don't think it was wise to go there without other people there. That was disrespectful to DH. You should have gone with dh or had other adults there. Maybe you should consider making dh your new best friend and let this guy go or it might really upset dh and may get friend hurt. That is not a risk I'd take. I hope you think about it.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 11:31 AM on Dec. 31, 2009

  • It sounds like your friendship might be a little inappropriate. Would it bother you if your husband's BFF was an ex-girlfriend? If he called her all the time, told her things before he told you, and hung out at her house with your kids without you around? If you were to be honest with yourself - don't you think that would bother you? I think you should think of things from your husband's point of view. In life we sacrifice a lot of things for our spouses and our families - it looks like it's possible that this friendship may be something you'll have to give up.

    If you can stay friends with this guy, but not be as close it is possible that things could work out - but honestly I think your relationship with this other guy is the root of the problem and not your husband's attitude.
    beckcorc

    Answer by beckcorc at 11:31 AM on Dec. 31, 2009

  • the thing is, there were other people there. a couple of our other friends, such as his girlfriend, and my brother. DH does have very close relationships with an ex girlfriend and i am alright with it. i trust him and i thought he would trust me. DH calls and texts her all of the time, talks to her about everything when we get into a fight, etc. just like i do with my friend. and it honestly does not bother me at all. DH thinks that every one of my friends is going to try something with me. he is very insecure since all of his ex girlfriends besides his friend cheated on him and he thinks im no different. i gave up all of my other friendships because of him being so insecure. this guy im friends with has made no attempt to get back together with me; he has a girlfriend that is going to propose to soon. DH knew he had nothing to worry about; he went out drinking with friends and blew everything out of proportion.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:57 AM on Dec. 31, 2009

  • I'm not trying to be mean but these kinds of friendships are no good. Your husband should be your best friend and really he should not be so friendly with his ex. Your ex's are ex's for a reason. This whole situation does not sound right. If his insecurity is so bad that you had to sever all other friendships, you should have said something then. This particular friendship is inappropriate and is causing a problem in your marriage. You two might want to consider counseling.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:11 PM on Dec. 31, 2009

  • My husband and I have a general rule of no alone-time with someone of the opposite sex. It doesn't matter how innocent it is. I've been assigned a male partner in classes at college before and traded so that I didn't have to work with just a guy. Some people would say this is behaving too sensitively, but I care so much more about my husband and our relationship than any other possible threat. It's a good way to avoid scenarios like that one. Honestly, I would have been fuming if my husband went to an ex's house alone, no matter how healthy their relationship was.

    I'd (at least temporarily) end the friend relationship and carefully try to work it out with your husband. Like the other girls said, is that friendship more important than your marriage?
    mickstinator

    Answer by mickstinator at 12:17 PM on Dec. 31, 2009

  • my friend and DHs friend, although ex's, were great friends before there was ever a relationship. i dated my friend for about a week before it got too weird and we decided to be friends and same with DH and his ex. i was not hanging out with him alone. my brother and my friends girlfriend were there as well. i never hang out with my friend alone because i know it bothers DH. we have talked about being friend with our ex's and have had no problems until now when he went out drinking. our marriage is very important to the both of us and we both feel we need one person to talk to (aside from each other) about things such as problems in our marriage and how to fix them just to get another perspective. that is why he is so close to his ex and i with mine.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:34 PM on Dec. 31, 2009

  • I have a female best friend, I've known her for years. But my ultimate best friend is my boyfriend. I would never have another male as my best friend. To me, the man I'm in a relationship with, in love with, want to spend the rest of my life with, should be my best friend. He should be the one I talk to, share my dreams and fears with, go to for advice and help. It sounds to me as if your friendship with this other guy is, at the very least, bordering on inappropriate. There's nothing wrong with being friends with a guy, but he shouldn't come before your husband, and it sounds as though you're putting him up there pretty close to being before your hubby. I think maybe the friendship needs to cool down, maybe just be an e-mail and occasional instant message kind of friendship. It kind of sounds like maybe there are lingering feelings on both sides, to me.
    tropicalmama

    Answer by tropicalmama at 12:45 PM on Dec. 31, 2009

  • anon 12:34, I'm not sure if you're the OP or not, but I have to say, I think talking to an ex about problems in the marriage is a huge mistake. Talking to someone of the opposite sex about them is a mistake in my opinion. I think either you should speak to a same sex friend, or possibly find a marriage counselor or a therapist to talk to about marital problems. Once you start talking to an opposite sex friend, that kind of starts you down a slippery slope. It can look really, really bad, even if it is totally innocent. That's just my opinion, of course.
    tropicalmama

    Answer by tropicalmama at 12:47 PM on Dec. 31, 2009

  • Your posts have a huge red warning sign on them! Both you and your hubby are best friends with people whom are of the opposite sex and both of whom you two have dated...that is not a good sign! First of all, you both need to take a good step back and talk about that situation. First off, it's never a good idea to be best friends with someone who is of the opposite sex (whom you have already had a connection with that was on a different level of relationship) and then take and divulge all that is going on in the relationship to them...oh no, that is a recipe for disaster! Him divulging stuff about your relationship to her and you doing the same thing to your ex. Yup, you both are just grabbing that wheel and going to try and pull the car into two different directions. Secondly, maybe he only freaked out because he was drinking (and some men get so possessive when drinking) but maybe this is how he actually feels...
    AWomansMind

    Answer by AWomansMind at 12:07 AM on Jan. 2, 2010

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