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Should I feel this way? About a VERY close friend

Her DH lost his job 6 months ago. He had been at the company for MANY years but wasnt laid off when they started doing cuts he was fired. They have been without income for 6 months. He is fighting his unemployment because it was denied. She got food stamps and some help paying bills and they have borrowed from everyone possible to keep the main bills paid. She said in the beginning she wasnt going back to work, she hasnt worked in 13 years. Right after her DH was fired he had to have open heart surgery so he couldnt work for 2+ months even if he was offered a job. Her youngest child is 12. She wont even get a work from home job, now after 6 months. Her DH has been doing side jobs to make some money but it isnt enough. Ive done NOTHING to help her other than telling her about job openings/being an ear and Im a major helper. I just feel like both of them could be doing more to help their situation and they arent! CONT

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:57 AM on Dec. 31, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (20)
  • I dont know why I feel like this....maybe its because we think he has lied to her about why he got fired? I dont know but I dont feel guilty for not helping her. They were making $130K-$150K a year before he got let go and didnt even have a months worth of expenses in savings and NO 401K to fall back on! I just feel like they werent prepared for anything and they should have been?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:03 PM on Dec. 31, 2009

  • They definitely should have had money to fall back on. To not have savings, with that kind of money being made, is just ridiculous.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:03 PM on Dec. 31, 2009

  • Not bashing but that sounds a bit of a conditional friendship to me. What they didn't do when they could sounds a little like water under the bridge already. It's a lesson. They learned it the hard way now as a friend I think you should consider guiding them through this. There is a recession on so it's not all their fault.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 12:08 PM on Dec. 31, 2009

  • Hopefully they get back on the their feet. Not everyone saves.
    Yellowrose9

    Answer by Yellowrose9 at 12:19 PM on Dec. 31, 2009

  • OP: No its not a conditional friendship at all. Ive tried to help her find a job and she just has found every excuse she can not to go to work because she flat out doesnt want to! I had to go back to work earlier this year to help my family out and i had been not working by choice for a few years! I dont like it but it pays the bills! And i know not everyone is prepared BUT to have nothing? To refuse to take whatever job you can get to help feed your family? To whine and cry about not being able to give ur kid a decent christmas and about the fact your car is fixing to be repoed? I love her dearly but i just dont understand the mentality!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:19 PM on Dec. 31, 2009

  • Although I think she should try to earn some money, if they have kids and she gets a job, are they going to have to pay childcare for him to job hunt? When my husband got laid off years ago, I went looking for a job, but had no real job skills. The cost of childcare so that he could job hunt was more than I made.

    With that being said, I did start doing childcare in my home to make money.

    As for them not being prepared....that is their problem, and hopefully next time they are more prepared. I agree, he's probably not telling the truth about why he was terminated......if you're laid off, and have been paying into unemployment, I don't know how you could be denied. As for him not doing enough to get a job.....he may be doing all he can, it's hard to say in this economy.

    If this friendship is important, I'd try to be more understanding, although I have to agree about her trying to earn some money.
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 12:19 PM on Dec. 31, 2009

  • OP: I understand a recession. I understand his job was a lil specialized and their arent tons of those jobs open BUT go find something else ANYTHING to keep from having to sell everything u own to get by. Ive tried to point her in the direction of MANY jobs but she always has an excuse for why she cant take it.

    Her child is 12.....no need for childcare.

    Her DH wasnt laid off he was fired. That why they are going through a 2nd appeal process on his unemployment.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:23 PM on Dec. 31, 2009

  • Expecting others to help when one doesn't try to help themselves would be a sore spot with me, too. I guess that I have been around too many people who don't try to be accountable for themselves, so I wouldn't be too sympathetic to her situation in regards to her looking for work. As far as not having savings, hopefully, they have learned their lesson and will do better when they find gainful employment.

    I also don't think that your friend wants guidance from you because you have told her about jobs, but she doesn't seem interested.

    To be honest, if I were in your position, my friend would probably stop being friends with me, because I would most likely tell her to stop whining when she is not doing anything constructive to improve her situation. I think that being honest with my friends when they are in dire situations is the only way to be a friend. And I would expect the same from my friends.
    donzgurl

    Answer by donzgurl at 12:30 PM on Dec. 31, 2009

  • Donzgurl: See someone understands! I hate to be mean to her.....she is very "eeyore" all the time and I try to overlook it but right now its worse than its ever been and I cant hardly stand to talk to her because she is always sooooo down and soooo negative. I love her to death......weve been friends for about 4 years now....but ive had to distance myself some due to this situation.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:34 PM on Dec. 31, 2009

  • It seems hes done what hes can.. I think she needs to get a job and do more for the family. as a friend your doing what you can. She's probaly just expecting to go back to the life she had before and it isn't going to happen. She needs to find a job and stop whinning about a situation she hasn't done anything to help.
    SweetPoison

    Answer by SweetPoison at 12:39 PM on Dec. 31, 2009

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