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What to do about a DH that does not care at all about cleanliness anymore!!??!!?

So after having the baby I got sick of picking up after DH in the bathroom.. he was leaving his dirty q-tips in the sink, not rinsing his toothpaste spit, getting pee on the toilet seat/floor and not wiping it up, throwing his clothes all over, dirty washclothes/towels on the floor when there is a hamper in there. I got tired of picking all of it up and asking him nicely to do it to make less work for me so I said I was gonna start using the spare bathroom and he could clean the bathroom if he got it dirty..

Well it's been a month and I went in there and it was just NASTY!! I mean.. NASTY!!

He obviously has not cleaned anything --at all-- and I wasn't washing much of his clothes and it is because they are all in his bathroom.

Mind you, he had a week off over the Holidays.

What do I do about it?! lol. Obviously my "clean your own area" plan did not phase him.

And weirdly when he lived alone he was clean!

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 5:12 PM on Dec. 31, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • Maybe he's depressed. Depression can cause changes in behavior and not caring about things such as cleanliness. Has he become withdrawn as well? Have a heart to heart with him and see what's going on. He may need your help.

    Answer by nicolemstacy at 5:18 PM on Dec. 31, 2009

  • My dh pulled this. I cut off his other luxuries(sex, clean clothes, etc.) After a week or so he figured it out. Now bare in mind he was not as bad. He was only throwing his clothes everywhere in the house. All I ask is that you put them in the hamper and the pee on the seat to be cleaned it just grosses me out. Good luck!

    Answer by SuzanneL09 at 5:19 PM on Dec. 31, 2009

  • I would not touch it and let him know if he runs out of clothes not your problem. My husband did this for a while thought I was his personal maid I guess. It took a couple months but his parents came over and saw our master bedroom and bath and were floored. My side of the room was clean and neat his side was covered in laundry and other stuff. The bathroom was gross I had been using the guest bath for a while it was spotless. My inlaws told my husband to grow up and pick up after himself. He was very embarrassed and now he puts his clothes in the hamper and he wipes up his pee if he dribbles. Our room is usually pretty spotless now the way I like it. If he didn't change I am sure our marriage would have suffered I cannot stand dirty people they gross me out and they usually smell. I would not live with someone like that.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:21 PM on Dec. 31, 2009

  • When you left it up to him to clean his own area, the implied choice was..."or don't clean your own area". He doesn't care about the mess or the dirt! You are the one who cares about it. If you can't live with his mess, then you will have to clean it up. Is there anything at all you could "trade" for cleaning up after him? Will he do the food shopping or the laundry, or pay for a cleaning person to clean his area? Don't beat your head against the wall trying to get him to do something that he doesn't care about doing....Let him do what he does care about, or is willing to do, and you do what you care about. Or....just shut the bathroom door and let him live with his mess.

    Answer by BJoan at 5:34 PM on Dec. 31, 2009

  • I can only speak from experience but this sounds like my hubby's habits. I figured out that what is important to me is not necessarily mportant to him and girl do we CLASH! lol Having separate bathrooms is a great idea and its not uncommon as you think. Try to think of some ideas for some middle ground. Like my husband can throw his clothes on the ground all he likes, but it is on the side that noone sees and the bed is hiding his mess. I bought gloves to handle the gross stuff. I bought laundry baskets to at least "contain" some of the clutter. GL!

    Answer by 3gigglemonsters at 5:38 PM on Dec. 31, 2009

  • Man, this takes me back to when I realized my husband got married so he never had to clean again. It is amazing and disheartening to learn of how absolutely filthy some men can be. I tried giving my husband his own bathroom in hopes that he would clean less than I do but at some point clean, I left underwear behind doors and tried to abstain from picking up his mess but it only drove me crazy.

    What eventually worked (better than nothing) was when I stopped treating him as nasty as he really was and went to him as if I were asking for his help and not demanding his cooperation. Eventually, he recognized his mess and now makes at least an effort not to throw things on the floor and is aware that he can wash dishes and not melt in the water.

    Answer by 1st_LadyD at 6:05 PM on Dec. 31, 2009

  • I know that when I first met my husband I was soo happy he was independent. I had been with soo many dependent guys who couldn't do anything for themselves. Then when I moved in with DH (then boyfriend) I started taking care of him. Cooking for him, cleaning for him, just being what I thought was a good girlfriend. Slowly but surely he stopped doing things for himself. He hasn't cooked a meal but maybe three times in the last two years. He hasn't done laundry but maybe three times. He'll do the dishes, but only if they get stacked up. He keeps his work clothes on the floor beside his side of the bed. Along side his street clothes that he wore that day. There are soo many things that just went out the window when I started taking care of him. I tried not doing anything at all, hoping he'd get back into being independent. Yea that didn't work. Nagging is the ONLY thing that gets to him, but that even takes a while. (continue)

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 6:44 PM on Dec. 31, 2009

  • (continue) I've tried asking him for help, I've tried demanding his help, I've tried the "I give up" deal.. Nothing seems to get him out of his rut of dependency on me. It's ridiculous!

    Really, I think you just need to show him. Say "See that stain around the toilet bowl, that's because you've never cleaned it. All of that is germs and stains from you taking a crap." Then maybe he'll see that he's just being gross and needs to do his part..

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 6:47 PM on Dec. 31, 2009

  • jazz I gotta say tho not the op, your dh isnt dependant on you hon, he is using you as his "mommy". I can say that because i am where you are...thought good girlfriends "took care of" there men...but what good girlfriends and wives do(I have since learned) is to SUPPORT your man, give and take. Now when he seems to want to live like a pig(pee seat included), we have 1 bathroom so I have no choice I have to clean it(or vomit). But believe me, there is "give" elsewhere. Like "sorry honey couldnt make your lunch for work for ya, I was cleaning up the pee all over int he bathroom." or "sorry I am too tired to "speak into the microphone" because I spent alot of extra time cleaning up XXXX." it works, and its not aggressive. gl.

    Answer by Bearsjen at 8:51 PM on Dec. 31, 2009

  • oh also loved the poster who let dh get caught by inlaws living like that, rock on mama! lol

    Answer by Bearsjen at 8:52 PM on Dec. 31, 2009

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