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step children problem..

I am a young mom, with 2 young kids ( 1 and 3) ... my husband ( childrens father) past away over a year ago....I have met a new man, a wonderful man I have known him for awhile, but really havent gotten close to him until this past year. He is alot older than me, but we have alot in common, and I can just honestly say I love him, he makes me feel amazing !

He has 3 children already they are 19, 20, 23. He has been divorced from their mother for about 17 years. So they moved away with her and he has told me that he regrets it, but he didt spend time with them when they were younger, because he worked all the time, and his priorities were out of line. He acts like a father to my kids. He is like a new proud daddy with them. We are planning a wedding, and he is going to adopt them after we do get married.

My problem is his kids. Obviously I knew he had kids when we got into this relationship (continued in post)

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:25 AM on Jan. 4, 2010 in Just for Fun

Answers (12)
  • And i would love to have a relationship with them..I am close to their ages but I feel alot older than I am. They say I am only after their dad because of his money, which I am not. I mean I understand why they feel he way they do..because of how he treats my kids and because I am alot younger. I have a prenup and everything, I thought it would show them that I am marrying him because I love him and because I want us to be a family.

    So my question is... How can I show them, or what to say to them to atleast just accept me and to stop saying such mean things about me...their dad knows me and tells me to not worry about it, but I cannot help it... I guess I was silly..I just kind of imagined like...big family dinners and shopping with his daughter and all that stuff... I dont know....any advice ?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:30 AM on Jan. 4, 2010

  • I'd say just be as nice as you can stand and let them come to you. You can force a relationship. I mean, you said yourself that he's barely had a relationship with his own kids. You have to understand that they probably felt abandoned by their father as children, and now as adults they probalby feel betrayed that he is with this new person and raising these other children as his own. It's going to be a tough situation, but, as you already know, it comes with the territory.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:36 AM on Jan. 4, 2010

  • *can't force a relationship
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:36 AM on Jan. 4, 2010

  • I almost married a guy who was 42 (I'm 20) and his kids are 13 and 16. The younger was is a girl and looked at me like a threat. She thought that once we got married he wouldn't be her dad anymore and just be focused on my son and not them. It got to the point where she would make up reasons for him to not come see me. She evenutally got over it after we had been together awhile. I think that since your close to their age they think that you'll be replacing them. Just be sure not to exclude them from family events and such.

    By the way, we broke up because he's a jerk, not because of his kids.
    SaraP1989

    Answer by SaraP1989 at 1:38 AM on Jan. 4, 2010

  • When my hubby and I got married his children were sort of the same way with me, I am only 7 years older then his son. It took time for his kids to see that I loved their dad, and we are happy together. I also have a son that is much younger then his kids and my son calls him dad, and they have a great realationship. It will take TIME for his kids to see that their dad is happy and you and him love each other, that you are not taking their place but adding to his life. My husband also was a different father to his kids then he is my son, he worked 70 hours a week when his kids were teens and he does not do that now. I finally made him realize that family is much more important then working your tail in the ground. Good luck and in time it will work out.

    ronjwake

    Answer by ronjwake at 1:42 AM on Jan. 4, 2010

  • thanks for the replies... I do understand the point of them thinking they are being replaced by me and my kids...that he has a new little family....

    I have tried to come up with things to invite them too, but they never show up -- One night I made this big dinner because his daughter said her and her b/f was coming over..and she even kept calling to say she was almost there....but then she never showed up...

    His olderst ( son) is actually nice to me...I think he kind of understands more.....but the younger son and the daughter is the problem... I mean to be honest...they only come over to get money ( whihc I know they never really had a relationship with him anyways ) ....but it is just like ..I kind of feel that they think I am going to take their money away ??
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:44 AM on Jan. 4, 2010

  • Boy oh boy sounds like the play book of our marriage at first. His daughter still only calls or comes over when she wants something, but I finally put my foot down with my husband about that. He was not helping her but making her crippled in a sense. She now has his parents pay her rent and gas bill, which is not doing her any good either but if they are fools enough to do it then it's on them.
    ronjwake

    Answer by ronjwake at 1:49 AM on Jan. 4, 2010

  • My husband is 14 years older than me, and we been married for 28 years, and his kids STILL act this way. My husband was not very active in his kid's lives when they were growing up because of all the drama. We had to keep it to a minimum. He saw them only every other weekend, for one over night visit. That was enough drama for one weekend at a time. I am only 9 years older than my SD. My husband had 3 kids by his first marriage. and he was still married to the ex when i cme in the picture. but they were separated, been separated for 16 months, but he did not push the divorce till we got to dating and got serious and he wanted to marry me. He said he was waiting around on the ex to pay for the divorce, but finally seen that he was going to have to be the one to push it and pay for it. And he did. She did not hesitate, she co-operated. I think maybe the step-kids might have viewed me as a threat, they may have thought that cont'
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:19 AM on Jan. 4, 2010

  • i broke their hopes up of their parents getting back together. They had a history of breaking up and getting back together a number of times, but my husband was through with her this time. He finally realized he can't make a relationship work just for the sake of the kids. My husband's ex was very jealous of me and the kids were too, so they all caused alot of drama for the first years of our marriage. My husband did not have a good relationship with his on count of the drama. When the step-kids got older, they eventually quit calling my husband and quit coming around. They blamed us for that, but really it was their choice to not be apart of this family. I got along with them as best i could, sometimes they were friendly to me and sometimes not. The 37 yr. old step-daughter has not had anything to do with her dad in over 20 yrs. and the 34 yr. old step-son quit having anything to do with him 8 yrs. ago, and the 32 yr. old
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:26 AM on Jan. 4, 2010

  • cont'd.. the 32 yr. old step-daughter has not had much to do with us since her teen years. My husband don't know his other grandkids. With adult step-kids, i don't know if there is any way to fix a relationship, they kinda get set in their ways. My step-kids have made up their minds they don't want to be a part of our family, so i don't know if there is anything we can do to change them. My husband said we can't make them have anything to do with us. So he just pulled away from them and let them act like they want to. He don't try to call them or talk to them or see them. I guess he just sitting back and see if they ever come to us. I pray for them. I pray that our situation with them will change and get better someday. My step-kids's mom still has a bad influence on them. She is their Hero, they say.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:31 AM on Jan. 4, 2010

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