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Am I being selfish?

So I have been married for almost 8 years this May. We don't talk, except for small talk. I have tried to get him to go to couseling, but that doesn't usually last very long. He just seems really indifferent. He says he loves me and cares for me, but he never really does anything in action. He says a lot of stuff, but doesn't ever follow through. We have NOT had sex in 3 years, and there for a while in our relationship I use to initiate all the time and he turned me down a lot. I am not a bad looking woman, I am actually very goodlooking. My husband is 13 years my senior and he is a little over weight, which I really don't care but I feel like he has no desire for me. When we dated he was SOOOOO romantic and sensitive to my needs and now after 7 years of marriage, he seems like he could care less. cont....

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Asked by Anonymous at 4:51 PM on Jan. 4, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • What brings up emotion in me is the kids. We have 2 boys 5 and 2, they LOVE their dad, and he LOVES them, he is a good dad, just not a good husband. We are just not connected in any way shape or form and I am no longer attracted to him, I think because he NEVER shows me any real attention. I just want to move on and meet someone else. We can be friends. I don't know if I should say anything to him. What do you think?

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:53 PM on Jan. 4, 2010

  • could he possibly be having erection problems?

    Answer by shay1130 at 5:03 PM on Jan. 4, 2010

  • You really need to talk to him.. If he isnt willing to work on anything then yes you need to leave.. he hasnt had sex with you since you got pregnant? im assuming? Is he being unfaithful? It just seems very odd for a man to NEVER want anything sexual wise from a women. You are no selfish at all.. sounds like you have tried , even counseling and he is the one being selfish. Seems like he doesnt even want to work on things.. he has no right to make you feel so un attractive and unwanted.

    Answer by maybebaby83 at 5:07 PM on Jan. 4, 2010

  • Tell him you have needs and ask him what he wants you to do about getting those needs filled. He's creating the problem. Let him figure out the solution.

    Answer by admckenzie at 5:08 PM on Jan. 4, 2010

  • The guy i live with (we have three kids together) is 12 yrs older than me. I feel like we are more like a "father/child" relationship than a couple if you know what i mean. There is no sex here, and he's always telling me "you have to entice me", excuse me i was done chasing boys in jr. high. It feeds his ego. Some men are like that. I don't think your being selfish, because, and this is just my opinion, for me personally, bottom line is as women we have needs too. And we shouldn't have to give in to them all the time. What's stopping him from making the first move?

    If he's not interested in you sexually there are only three reasons, A) he has ED B) He's having sex elsewhere or C) He just doesn't find you sexually attractive anymore. And C doesn't mean you AREN'T attractive it just means he's changed his taste in what he finds desirable and your not it to him anymore. Not trying to hurt your feelings, because.(cont)

    Answer by CinderAmethyst at 5:10 PM on Jan. 4, 2010

  • ...I'm in the same boat you are, and I just had enough and I'm leaving him this year. So, you need to decide if you want to stay and put up with his disdain and making you feel unattractive and appreciated or go out down the road a few years and find someone who can make you feel good about yourself.

    Granted the kids are involved, and they love their daddy and he loves them, but that won't change simply because daddy and mommy live in seperate houses. Good luck.

    Answer by CinderAmethyst at 5:12 PM on Jan. 4, 2010

  • I wish there was a way to edit your answers here, don't mean to keep adding things, but one more answer was meant that if you choose to find another man, find one who deserves YOU, not that you NEED man to make you feel good about yourself. Hope you know what i'm saying. Okay...i'm done here LOLLL

    Answer by CinderAmethyst at 5:13 PM on Jan. 4, 2010

  • Not selfish at all. Ask yourself one dead serious question. Would you be jealous if he found a girlfriend and you perceived he was giving her the attention you want? If your answer is yes then you need to give it every effort to go through counseling to help you and him fulfill each other's needs. If you know you won't care if he is dating while you might not be then you are ready to split. Statistically men find partners much more easily than women. If it were me I would do anything I could to learn how to communicate with him. You can't count on finding another man and him doing everything you want. I know women brag and I used to listen to them and lost a man who really loved me and was an excellent provider.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:16 PM on Jan. 4, 2010

  • Has he been to see a doctor? There are several health conditions that affect a man's sexual drive. I also wonder if he may not have some emotional needs that are not being met. Men do not readily talk about their feelings, but some feel very deeply, and if he has been deeply wounded, he can be affected every bit as much as a woman. It sounds like he loves you and the children so I would do everything possible to get help and to keep my marriage and family together. I would also encourage him to talk to another man if he feels uncomfortable talking to you. There is some reason for this, either physical or emotional, and I would leave no stone unturned in finding out what his problems are and then in helping him fix them. That's what marriage is--for better for worse, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. Let him know that you are on his side and that you are in this for the long haul. You could be the key!

    Answer by NannyB. at 5:29 PM on Jan. 4, 2010

  • I know he doesn't have ED and I know he is not cheating. I do know that he masterbates a lot to porn. He says he wants to try, but he never puts any effort in to trying and when I try to talk to him, he doesn't really listen. So I kind of feel like I am done. The idea of a girlfriend doesn't really bother me, other than if he was treating her way better than he treated me. We get along okay, we have not been fighting, he just won't talk to me about anything. We are roommates, who have kids together. I think it would upset him, if I left, but I really don't care if I upset him, at least not any more.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:49 PM on Jan. 4, 2010

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