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I cheated. How do I prove to him that I do love him and want to work things out?

I cheated on DH about a month ago. He said he forgave me and wanted to work things out. Now he's saying he isn't sure b/c he doesn't feel like he can get past it. I'm struggling right now b/c I feel horrible for what I did and I want to make things right. I know I was very wrong and I wish I could convey how badly I feel. I've been TOTALLY honest with him about EVERYTHING in hopes of being able to at least get SOME trust back. I know it's hard and all but I don't know what else to do. I love him very much and I really need to know the best way to try to rectify the problem... even though I know "it" will always be with us.

Has anyone gone through this before? Any advice? Please, don't bash. This is very hard for me. I admitted everything to my husband and I really need help, not more hurt.

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Asked by Anonymous at 2:36 PM on Jan. 5, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • It is going to take time... and no one ( but him) can set a limit on that time. He has to find a way to forgive ( but not forget) and learn to trust you again. You broke that trust so it is going to take twice as long to get it back. The best thing you can do is understand his feelings. Listen to him. Try to be there for him and understand if he realizes that he can't be with someone who cheats ( he has morals!). Might just be a learning lesson to yourself to not cheat on your next partner! I strongly suggest couples counseling. You need a qualified 3rd party to help. If he is willing to go to counseling you two could probably move past this.. eventually.. on his time!

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:40 PM on Jan. 5, 2010

  • Since you are having problems, couples counseling is likely the way to go.

    Answer by Bmat at 2:43 PM on Jan. 5, 2010

  • I think it might be a good idea for you to ask him what he needs from you. Does he need to hear that you know how much you have hurt him? Does he need to hear that you want never to hurt him again like this? Does he need to hear that you will try will all your might to make up for the pain you have caused? Does he need to hear you say again that you are sorry? Does he need to hear you ask him if he will please forgive you? You cannot assume that you know what he is thinking or feeling, so you have to ask him the right questions in order to know what he needs from you. After you have satisfied yourself that you have done everything he has asked of you, then you do and say loving things to and for him. Then you have to wait for him to begin to trust you again. It may take a long time, but I would ask him for the opportunity to prove to him that I can be trustworthy again.

    Answer by NannyB. at 2:46 PM on Jan. 5, 2010

  • I cheated on my SO a couple different times, i was wasted 3 times... No excuse I suppose.... Also my SO and I were living in different states for the first 11 months of our relationship... Fights would come and go every other day sometimes and then we'd be fine for a couple weeks and boom it'd happen again... It was really hard....but we stuck through it... Totally honest all the time...

    Answer by DDTSMommy at 2:47 PM on Jan. 5, 2010

  • I think you should figure out why you cheated. I believe that you love him but you cheated for a reason. It could easily happen again if you don't recognize the problem that lead to the cheating. I totally understand your situation. I wish you the best!

    Answer by dollarmill at 3:41 PM on Jan. 5, 2010

  • I agree with nannyb, you should very nicely ask him what he needs you to do so that he will feel better. I also agree with anon. It will definately take time and patience.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:47 PM on Jan. 5, 2010

  • I cheated on my husband as well, have come clean and admitted my mistake. However like another posted you need to understand why you cheated, our couples counselor told me people cheat for two reasons 1) to get out of a relationship or 2) because they are filling a void caused in their relationship. Either way you cheated for a reason, cheating isn't typically a "passing fancy" at least not in my case.
    He is hurting, its probably similar to my husband - his ego is hurt, his self esteem, his pride all of the things a man needs to feel respected and loved...its not just trust. You need help build him back up
    I left my husband because I felt like I didn't love him enough, even though I did still care about him. We have been separated for 7 months. We are going to couples counseling, however if both partners don't want to do the work, couples counseling won't help you. You both have to want to go and put in the effort.

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 4:23 PM on Jan. 5, 2010

  • If you TRULY love him you wouldn't of cheated.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:25 PM on Jan. 5, 2010

  • I don't think YOU should have to prove anything to him. I truly believe that you would not have done it if he had taken care of all of your needs, emotional and physical. So I'm saying HE needs to fix things. Yes it was your choice to cheat but if he didn't create the conditions you probably would not have done it. He needs to prove to you that he'll pony up and be the type of husband he needs to be so it won't happen again

    Answer by admckenzie at 4:40 PM on Jan. 5, 2010

  • i keep hearing this thing advertised maybe try googling it but its called the us factor, not sure if it works or not

    Answer by mommie2twogirls at 4:36 PM on Jan. 6, 2010

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