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A question for anyone who is gay or has a family member who is gay...

Bet you're expecting drama...sorry this isn't about that.

My stepson who is 18 is gay. We know it, his mother knows it, his therapists know it. Kids at school have known it since the 2nd grade. He has not come out, we have made it clear to him in indirect ways that we have absolutely no issue with it and support gay rights, etc. We are, after all, quite liberal, lol. His mother has done the same, although she is very Catholic and republican. Anyway, we know this is all up to him and its no one's timeline but his, I'm just curious at what age most come out... I would love for him to live his life happily and open, again, just curious when most are ready to do that.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 12:55 PM on Jan. 6, 2010 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (19)
  • No drama from me I hope he's happy.

    Answer by mommorgan at 1:01 PM on Jan. 6, 2010

  • One of my best male friends never did come out. He is still in denial and he is 36. He is really unhappy in his life, it is really sad that he don't accept it and enjoy his life. He is a single man that makes very good money and to feed his emotions he continues to put money into his house, I am talking BIG money but that doesn't fill that empty spot. I had a little to much to drink one night and told him that I knew he was gay and I just wanted for him to be happy and to accept who he is and I loved him very much as my friend. That killed our friendship, we still talk from time to time but not like we did before. It makes me really sad that he suffers from being unhappy because he refuses to simply come out.

    Answer by ronjwake at 1:03 PM on Jan. 6, 2010

  • It depends on a lot of factors, my daughter came out at 17 but only because I repeatedly inquire about her unhapiness, until one day she admitted it to in great shame. Although it was totally unexpected I told her there was nothing she could do or be that would change how I felt about her.
    It is totally up to his discretion when and if he wants to do this. We also have an 80 year old aunt who since was very young displayed her preference, but never came out and has now a very lonely life because of it. It is a taboo subject when it comes to this ladies even now she talks about being gay like she has no part of it.
    I think when he falls in love and wants everyone to know he will, again it is all at his discretion.

    Answer by older at 1:08 PM on Jan. 6, 2010

  • it may just be easier for him to go about life the way he is. as long as he knows there's a strong support behind him no matter what....its his choice.

    a good friend of mine was like that. we all knew, I'm prettty sure he knew we did too but never said anything. he's in his 30s and happy as can be.

    I don't know what age....don't think there's an average either.

    Answer by hypermamaz at 1:09 PM on Jan. 6, 2010

  • my kids step mom "experminted in high school" married my husband at 19, had 2 kids. Left them at the ages of 3 and 5 and went to have a series of what she calls wives. She did all this at 25. I suspect that 2 of my cousins are gay(opposite sides of family) one has come out recently to a few family members not all she is in her 30's ( she has been living that lifestyle for a while just did not come out and say it.) The other to my knowledge has not openly said anything, but we all know it. Just keep an open mind and love him unconditionally and do not push.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:10 PM on Jan. 6, 2010

  • My best friend is gay. He's known it since he was 14. I'm pretty sure his parents know it, and i know that they wouldn't probably have a problem, but he's so afraid that they will disown him, or not love him anymore. That they will get upset with him over something he really doesn't have any control over. He may never come out to you or his mother, or anyone. He might be ashamed, he might be confused. The best thing you can do is just step back and let him decide for himself what he wants. His friends might know it he may just be afraid of ruining a good thing with his two sets of parents. When he's ready he will talk about it.

    Answer by LogansMama09 at 1:25 PM on Jan. 6, 2010

  • Don't push him. You say everyone knows then why does it have to be acknowledge? It could be that he has feelings both ways, has his secret crush, etc. Let it all be on his timeline and just contiue accepting him.

    Just a question but how can you "know" that he's gay if he doesn't admit to it? Does he have a boyfriend or is it just the way he looks and acts? If he's been told that he's gay since 2nd grade then was it who he is or the way others saw him? I'm just really curious here.

    Answer by baconbits at 4:51 PM on Jan. 6, 2010

  • baconbits, it has been 18 years of signs, obvious signs. I couldn't possibly list them all out. We have completely thought it all out and we are reasonable intelligent people, even his crazy mother, lol, and sure there is some very slight chance he is not gay, which would make him asexual, and we pray that is not the case, as everyone, straight or gay, deserves a loving and sexual relationship or two in life. I hear your skeptism in me, and I understand it, but I've been in his life for 12 years and I know him. His mother and father know him. His therapists know him. I would think its the same as knowing that your child is not gay. We have his best interests at heart here. Of course it his his timeline, none of us would ever push, but it does eventually have to be acknowledged, be that in 1, 5, 10 or more years in order for him to lead an authentic life.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:18 PM on Jan. 6, 2010

  • I'm just curious at what age most come out.

    Don't know if their statistics on that. I would think it's whenever they feel the time is right for them.


    Answer by Anonymous at 10:35 PM on Jan. 6, 2010

  • I guess I've had friends in high school that there were no signs that they were gay (football players/wrestlers) and at our 25th class reunion it was obvious as they brought their partners while those that we thought were kinda different (that's what it was called then) growing up brought their husband/wife and photos of kids. I agree that everyone deserves someone to love them and to love them back but I question how it is that at 2nd grade anyone can "KNOW" that their child is gay. I'd dearly like to know what one thing (or more) tells you that he is gay. I'm sure the parents of the "manly" guys didn't know their kids were gay but they are, just as those who were thought to be different weren't gay. So what do you look for in your child to say that they are gay or not? I'm really just curious here and not trying to put anyone down or anything but if they don't come out and say "Hey mom guess what? how do you know?

    Answer by baconbits at 10:52 AM on Jan. 7, 2010

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