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How to deal with your 18yr old son who moved to his dad and wont talk to me?

Ive tried for almost 2 months to get my son 2 talk to me & now that he lives with DISNEYLAND DAD which he hasnt seen in 10yrs & his dad wouldnt call him because his dad hates me. My son wont talk 2 me, my parents or ask about his sick brother who has a liver disease. Im sad & hurt because I feel like he has cut me & my family out of his life 4 good. I dont get along with my ex husband & its horrible dealing with him. My ex called the cops on me (his famous 4 this)& he lives in another state. He told my son & the cops I was going to kill myself--I took my baby & we went 2 get dinner. I have 2 take care of my baby cus my current husband isnt around. Life just seems 2 get harder no matter what age you are. How can I get my adult son to talk to me when he dad lies to him & tells him horrible things about me? Im heartbroken & depressed. Has anyone been through this or is currently going through it now? I need advice NOW! THANX

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StressedLissa

Asked by StressedLissa at 7:35 PM on Jan. 6, 2010 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 1 (0 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • if you have your son's cell phone number just call him every couple of days leave messages of reassurance that you love him and that you respect his need to be away but you still want a talking not yelling relationship with him. Don't scream or yell in messages for him to call you. These calls are reassurance calls of your love and respect for him that he is 18 years old of age to make decisions. My cousin did this with her son and after a few months they were talking a bit and were able to talk about what saddened him and his mom too and what they could do to communicate.

    Tell him in a calm caring firm voice that you want to hear what he has to say and for him to call you and leave messages or even better emails so he can be assured that you will not pick up the phone and scream at him or just cry to him. Encourage him to trust you, if you've brought him up at all in hardship say that. Be calm. Prayers for You And Son.
    lfl

    Answer by lfl at 7:46 PM on Jan. 6, 2010

  • hi sweety
    oh boy that is a mess
    is there grandparents that he talks to they could just explain to him that u and his dad DO NOT GET ALONG and he should understand no matter what happens with u and his dad u both love him dearly
    send him a letter and tell him u understand he is grown now but u still would like for him to just call and say hi once in awhile
    and tell him
    u want him to be part of his brothers life
    and except his wishes ,,its going to be hard but as u know we r parents and we do sacrifice alot for our kids
    yes u need to take care of your baby,,send your son a picture of his brother
    and a friendly thought u had to have feelings for your ex at one time maybe try to talk and tell him hust to be socialable for the kids
    but only u would know how to handle that
    bone day sweety he will need u and u will be there to talk never critisize eachother around the kids yes i know he is doin it to u
    cherylc1962
    cherylc1962

    Answer by cherylc1962 at 7:48 PM on Jan. 6, 2010

  • You of all people should know by now that you can’t force anyone do what they don’t want to do. The more you pressure the more he'll resist. Eighteen is a difficult age. Leave him be for a while until he calls you. Focus on your baby.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:30 PM on Jan. 6, 2010

  • Thank you all for your advice, Ive left him messages at his dads house& his dads cell phone and his dad always blocks me from talking to my son. My son didnt take his cell phone because I took it from him for all the illegal things he was doing on the cell & it still had a year contract on it and Im the one paying the bill. My parents have tried to call and left messages and they get the same results...NO call back from their grandson. I dont have my sons address and my ex wont tell me or give me that.
    I guess being a disneyland dad/parent you have to do whatever you can to buy your kids love and keep them there with you no matter what kind of bs & lies you tell your kid. My ex is on his 3rd wife and shes 15yrs old then him...its sick & I know hes still mentally ill. No wonder he got kicked outta the military, his mental illness wasnt until control & from what I heard about from his 2nd ex wife its still true.
    StressedLissa

    Answer by StressedLissa at 12:50 AM on Jan. 7, 2010

  • Give him time. With my oldest daughter she thought living with daddy her senior year she would get everything she wanted. She didn't talk to me for months and then it's like she woke up and realized that mommy wasn't so bad. That dad still expected her home at a certain time, homework done, etc. Then when she got married we got into another fight and she didn't call me for almost 6 months (changed her cell) then out of the blue she finally did. We've been talking ever since.

    Let your son be to grow on his own. Concentrate on the baby and when he calls let him know that you'll always love him no matter what.
    baconbits

    Answer by baconbits at 11:01 AM on Jan. 7, 2010

  • Your son is trying to make up for the years he didn't spend with his dad. This could be a good thing believe it or not. My son moved in with my ex over the summer and got a job in the city. It was good for him because he got to see the "real" father he didn't spend much time with. In time, the novelty wears off and reality sets in. I am sure your son has some abandonment issues due to his dad excluding him from his life for all those years. It's hard for kids and teens to deal with it because they blame themselves and sometimes end up taking drugs to numb their pain. Just wait it out and see what happens. Write him a letter expressing how you feel. Sometimes letters are more effective. I hope things work out and remember to always pray for your kids and put them in God's care.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:59 AM on Jan. 8, 2010

  • When you talk to your son, because you will, try to find a way to leave him messages and give him time to get back to you ,calm loving and concerning ones, and that you miss him and that you would like for him to come and see you and his brother.To spend sometime together , and to call you some time (leave him a number where he can reach you.) just to talk .And tell him not to take what his father saids into heart. they are probably all lies. it's just that you and your husband didn't get a long after a while. and he left. And he's hurt and thats the way he deals about it.
    incarnita

    Answer by incarnita at 9:07 AM on Jan. 10, 2010

  • I agree with what the other posters have said. I went through the same thing with my youngest son. His Dad wasn't a part of his life for many years. When he had to start paying child support then he wanted to start spending time with him. Well it was fine at first but then my son decided he wanted to go live with his dad when he was 16. I know he was talked into it and also I had rules and dad didn't. So what 16 year old boy wouldn't jump at that. I was like you; I pushed for so long because he wasn't calling me. His dad and I don't get along either. So I was givin the same advise that I'm going to give you. It's hard but it does work out. I stopped calling all the time. I would call and leave a message just telling him I was thinking of him and that I loved him. Then I'd back off for a week or so. That's been 4 years ago and he is 20 now. Now He calls me ALL the time. They grow up!
    escapetn

    Answer by escapetn at 4:48 PM on Jan. 12, 2010

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