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DH and porn, and the complications thereof...

So, my DH and I have this sort of game sometimes where he watches porn before we "get busy". It's never been a problem before that I've known of - I'm okay with him watching as long as I get to "reap the benefits", if you know what I mean, and he knows that is the rule. But lately I've found out that he's been watching it when I'm not around, not available for extra-curriculars, etc. And then, he lies to me about it. He says he wasn't watching, and I've caught him trying to delete the history on the computer showing that he was. So, am I wrong to be upset that he's been doing this, since I've let him watch it before, just under different circumstances? Or do I have the right to be upset, especially about the lies? I've always told him, the one thing he can NEVER do, no matter what, is lie to me. And he still thinks it was okay to do this, anyway.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 5:29 PM on Jan. 7, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • sorry to be rude, but thats weird. Why does he need porn to get him ready for you? Does he watch it alone before you guys get it on? weird.....
    itscool2recycle

    Answer by itscool2recycle at 5:32 PM on Jan. 7, 2010

  • Im sure 99 percent of men out there watch porn.. Its like something in their head that makes them watch it if they are home alone for more then 10 minutes..
    Dont freak out about it.. who cares.. at least its porn and not another women!
    maybebaby83

    Answer by maybebaby83 at 5:34 PM on Jan. 7, 2010

  • OP - its just a game we made up when we felt the marriage going a bit stale. We've been married for years and years, so we invent things sometimes to make it more interesting. Nothing wrong with that, IMO, until it goes sour, I guess...
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:34 PM on Jan. 7, 2010

  • Well a lot of ppl watch it but if it starts interfering with his daily actviites like work, and time with the kids then that's a problem.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:35 PM on Jan. 7, 2010

  • no i guess you're right, i havent been married that long and im soo anti porn, dont listen to me, i dont know what im talking about :)
    itscool2recycle

    Answer by itscool2recycle at 5:36 PM on Jan. 7, 2010

  • OP - to anon :35 - Well, the way I found out about this last instance was he was suppose to be helping me put our son to bed, and he was not coming to help for a long time, so I went out to see what he was doing and he was on his computer, and shut it as I was walking out. So the next day I went to his computer and opened it and saw that he'd been in the middle of deleting history when I walked out and he closed it, so the history popped up when I opened it and asked, "Are you sure you want to delete history items?" so I looked and it was all this "Ameteur Porn" stuff that, in all honestly, looked like teenage girls. It kinda grossed me out.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:39 PM on Jan. 7, 2010

  • He's addicted to it. Just like drugs, alcohol, gambling. They all try to keep it secret. He's probably been doing it all along, but just like all addictions, it takes more and more of it to satisfy him, and it gets harder and harder to keep it secret. It's not likely to get any better unless you can get him to agree to getting some help. Most addicts can't quit cold turkey. Go to this web site for more info: www.drdougweiss.com or get Dr. Weiss's book THE FINAL FREEDOM. He was once a porn addict himself and he now helps other men find freedom from it.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 5:48 PM on Jan. 7, 2010

  • NannyB: Thank you very much for that information! I, too, am dealing with a husband who has a confessed addiction to porn and to sex (he's been having online affairs and has been a member of a lot of different sex and dating sites but swears he's never followed through with any of it). He finally admitted that he has a problem and "we" talked to his counselor about it. They are supposed to start working on it, but it's destroyed me as a person. None of this would have ever happened had he not gone to Iraq and came home with depression and PTSD. He was never like this before Iraq. :(
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:05 PM on Jan. 7, 2010

  • It don't bother me if my s/o watches porn. It's really hard for us to get that time between his job, 5 kids and my being pregnant. If he starts to totally replace me with porn, then I'll worry about it. For now, it's just a substitution. He'll always ask me if I want to first and uses porn as a second choice.
    table4eight

    Answer by table4eight at 9:06 PM on Jan. 7, 2010

  • 99% of men out there DO NOT watch porn...there a plenty of men that grow up..
    and plenty of men out there that think porn is sick..

    You have every right to your feelings..

    You DH lied to you, and if he feels he has to lie about that, what else does he lie about...
    Dannee

    Answer by Dannee at 10:35 PM on Jan. 7, 2010

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