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fear of commitment and settling down

My dad was an alcoholic. He was a horrable father and husband. My mom worked and went to school, she had four children. She died when I was 12. My siblings and I moved in with my grandma then. She was bitter and hateful. She resented us. I got kicked out at 17, and moved in with my father who had completed rehab. He was sober for 3 years then went back to drinking and he blamed it on me.
I am not sure if my background will be useful here, but I am desperate. I need help. I am desperately afraid to be in a relationship. I am afraid of feeling stuck. What if something better comes along? I am afraid of the new love feeling wearing off, and when it happens, I start looking somewhere else for it. My longest relationship was a little over a year, then I ran. I need advice or book reccomendations. Anything. But i cant afford counceling. I just dont want to be afraid forever.

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Asked by Anonymous at 9:58 AM on Jan. 8, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (7)
  • I can totally relate with you! I think it has more to do with us being hurt & the feeling of abandonment when we were younger. I wish I had more advice for you, but I suck at relationships too.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:03 AM on Jan. 8, 2010

  • I aplaud you for your last comment: "I don't want to be afraid forever" I don't know of any books for that but I can tell you this much: Where you are coming from doesn't have to dictate who you are, who you will become or where you will go. That is a daily decision you make and everyday is a new opportunity to re-invent yoursefl, to be more than you were yesterday, to enjoy life to its fullest, to become whomever you want to be.

    It is up to you, don't allow your parent's life to interfere with yours because it is YOUR LIFE, Go ahead and live it. There a book called Toxic parent by PhD Susan Reed, well worth the $15 dlls it cost. The title is strong but the contents are good. I hope it helps.

    Answer by bebita at 10:04 AM on Jan. 8, 2010

  • Maybe you just have not bfound the right guy yet.

    Answer by louise2 at 10:09 AM on Jan. 8, 2010

  • You have to live for you... You can't think that what happen to everyone else will happen to you. You must make it better, and you will. You have to have faith...

    I suggest you date, get to know them and if you are not completely happy with them move on. Don't settle for less, but don't expect perfection because there is NO ONE IN THE WORLD THAT IS PERFECT.

    If he cheated once then he will cheat again, if he is controlling he will always be run for the hills, be sure you can make it on your own, and always have a woman pocket-secretely save.....

    You will be alright, just don't give up on love, and learn to love your self. Say a few positive things to your self in the mirror and at night write something positive down that you did during the day-even if it is holding a door open. Good luck!!!

    Answer by KFree907 at 10:30 AM on Jan. 8, 2010

  • I'm afraid of getting attached and being left like it never was real or happened. Its a way of protecting yourself. I never wanted to be in love!!! I never wanted to put up with anything that was out of my comfort zone, but I did! And now I'm sitting here wondering how I fell, how did he get my guard down, when did I become so stupid t believe any lie HE told!? I want that person I was 7yrs ago back!!!! I do not want love, I do not need drama, bs, or the baggage they carry. I want to be able to be me without him disapproving!!! If I can find a man that respects my independence, who can see me and my worth, who is 100% honest no matter what, who lovesand respects me enough not to hurt me in ANY way then thats the man for me but until then I don't want the hastle!!! The point I'm trying to make is that you're not ready to trust or let some one in, so don't force it! Learn who you are, then look for possible love!!! U can do this

    Answer by ladyd6280 at 10:39 AM on Jan. 8, 2010

  • Here's the biggest thing to remember: Yes, that new love feeling does wear off. But when it does, there should be a new feeling in its place: a feeling of deeper love, of trust, of commitment. And that new feeling, in my opinion, is much better than that new love feeling. It allows for a much better, more intimate relationship.

    I can relate to how you feel, I had a horrible marriage that made me very wary of dating and commitment. When I met my boyfriend, I was absolutely terrified of trying to have a relationship. I told him so, too. Turned out, when I found the right man, it wasn't so scary when I actually did it. Yes, I still worry, yes, I still sometimes feel like I should run, but I don't want to. I talk to him, and things get better. I think you just haven't met the right guy. Take some time, get to know yourself, and when Mr. Right comes, I think a lot of those fears will go away on their own. Good luck!

    Answer by tropicalmama at 11:43 AM on Jan. 8, 2010

  • Thanks everyone.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:42 PM on Jan. 8, 2010

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