Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

is it okay to let your child cry in attempts to learn to self soothe?

i have a 9 month old and I'm wondering if it's okay to leave her in her crib while crying bc she wants to be held? My fear is that when she starts crying so hard, she'll have trouble catching her breath. This is a constant debate between her father and I. He feels she needs to learn to calm her cry on her own as oppose to picking her up and comforting her. Any thoughts on this topic??

Answer Question

Asked by AlexisCF at 3:05 AM on Jan. 9, 2010 in Babies (0-12 months)

Level 1 (0 Credits)
Answers (6)
  • *sigh* No, I don't believe in the CIO (cry it out method) and NO it has nothing to do with her catching her breath. Please do research on PROS and CONS of the CIO method. K? The short answer is you are both right, she does need to learn that some crying is ok, and you need to let her go a bit. BUT, to let her cry with noone ever coming to comfort her is ridiculous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:08 AM on Jan. 9, 2010

  • Yes it can be good to a point, if she gets to the point she is hysterical then she is unable to calm and needs help. You do need to let her learn to do it herself but do it little by little. 5 mins then 10 mins, then 15 mins, then 30, mins, then 45mins. I don't suggest letting any child cry for longer than 45 mins.

    Answer by truealaskanmom at 3:09 AM on Jan. 9, 2010

  • I did it with my twins..I really had no choice when I was alone with them during the is hard to hold two squirming babies! They both turned out just fine and go to bed for naps and at night with very little fuss now.

    Answer by Allergic2Stupid at 3:17 AM on Jan. 9, 2010

  • I did it with my dd at 6 mos through 8 mos! When you learn the cry it is ok to let her cry the "i am bored, I want you" cry versus the "i am scared, I need you" cry! I used to use my DH as a "holdback" from allowing me to run upstairs the second I heard a peep from my dd! Trust me, the 15 MAX of crying they do is the soothing themselves! Anything more than that, the child NEEDS YOU! If just to rub their temples to put them to sleep!!!!! They DOOO get over this! When my dd was 18 mos she cried a "i just want you to hold me" cry that I couldn't give into while DH was in Iraq!!!! She wanted to be held but then it turned into peekaboo... or playing a game of one kind or another! After 6-8 mos... THEY KNOW!!! I know, you KNOW the cries... give yourself a time limit... when she slows down wait a few mins! Check on her when she stops to make sure she's ok (quietly!) and you will see exactly what's bothering her! cont'!

    Answer by 07lilmama1108 at 4:06 AM on Jan. 9, 2010

  • if her cries don't slow down, she is in trouble or hasn't learned yet! You still need to teach her when bedtime is... but it is ok to check on an unsure, scared child!!!! Whether DH thinks so or not!!!! I did this from 8 mos - 2 YEARS (NO FAMILY or FRIENDS)!!!
    YOU KNOW deep inside what she needs! LISTEN TO THAT and you will know what to do!!! If you can't figure it out immediately, you will within a couple of days!!!! GL! I hope everything going great! LISTEN TO YOURSELF because DH and I had a constant arguement of me wanting to go in there and him saying she was fine... he turned out right in the end. Sad, I admit it... but still!!! They do understand a little of this!

    Answer by 07lilmama1108 at 4:11 AM on Jan. 9, 2010

  • Start out leaving her 3-5 minutes then go in and soothe her without picking her up. Lay her back down, rub her back, etc... Slowly increase the time as she is better able to handle it. Eventually (and with lots of patience) she will learn that when you lay her down it is bedtime and you aren't going to give in and let her stay up to play or whatever it is she wants to do instead

    Answer by Nesa_Z at 9:17 AM on Jan. 9, 2010

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.