Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Is It Better To Work It Out Or Wait?

DF is deployed. We have some major issues....MAJOR. And I wanted to know if you ladies think it's better to wait til he gets back to work on them, or work on them now? I am the type of person that it will all build up with me, and just not be good. IDK anymore. I just want him to be willing to compromise and work on things, instead of being so controlling like he is.

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 7:06 PM on Jan. 9, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (3)
  • Go talk with your chaplain. Here, we have weekly deployed spouses dinners. We have dinner, take kids to childcare, then the grown ups have discussions. We learn new ways of working on issues, get to vent, yada yada. You should look into it where you are stationed. Also, I heard of a book, but I can't think of it. The Love Bet? Something like that. If things are going to build up, then maybe you should discuss them, if you can do it without fighting. But while they are deployed, it's not really a good idea to pick fights. Soo, maybe you should wait. But, I don't know what your issues are, so that's the best I can do. You don't happen to be at Bragg, are you?
    Raine2001

    Answer by Raine2001 at 7:16 PM on Jan. 9, 2010

  • You can work on it now a little at a time but you won't get a controlling man to stop being controlling. My SO is a narcissistic controller (military, go figure). I have learned that if I want him to compromise I have to ask him to consider (whatever I want him to do). Once they "consider it" and make a decision they can say it was their idea thus allowing them to stay in control (or so they think). If you like to read, look up some books on how to deal with a Narcissist. You can work things out with them but it's not always easy. They always have to think they are in total control. I plant seed ideas with him and let him take all the credit when he does them. I also praise him (like he's a child and I'm praising good behavior) when he does compromise. Don't try to go head to head with him as you will just hurt your head. Outsmart him. You can do this.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 7:51 PM on Jan. 9, 2010

  • Raine, we aren't married so I can't get any help from the chaplain, or anyone else. Just me and him. Lol, But I am close to Bragg. I'm in OK.

    Lol, Ad, you sound like my friend. I don't try well maybe I do, I just try to lay it out there, say this is whats wrong, and it all comes back to the same thing. Our past. I lied to him about something, not cheating dear lord never, but about smoking. I finally told himt he truth, now he doesnt trust me. Period. He'll tell me all the time he does, but still question everything. Yet, he emotionally cheated on me, came close to phyisically, yet, I forgot and forgave. It's all part of his control. Making me feel like crap. Ugh, and i do love him, very much, and want to work on all this, not break up over it. We have two kids together. We can work this out. He just needs to....let go of all the control some. I am a free person, never been controlled by anyone, and this is killing me.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:59 PM on Jan. 9, 2010

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.