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Will you help me sort through the pros and cons of this one? It is long, sorry.

**Please note: I am NOT going to change my view on porn. Please don't try to convince me to change, it won't do any good and you may as well not waste your time.

I recently found out my husband often looks at porn on the internet. I am somewhat computer savvy, but he has been able to hide this from me for a yr and a half now. Of course I was hurt by this, not just him watching it, but mostly the lying. I confronted him about it and he has owned up to everything. I have noticed our sex life getting worse in the past yr, but figured it was a rut from being together for 6 yrs. He has been much more selfish sexually in the past yr, as well as not as sexually interested in me. There have been many times where I have come onto him and he turned me down. He says that he masturbates to it, but not often.
I am a Christian. He is as well, but hasn't been active since he was a child. He doesn't see much wrong with what he is doing.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 6:59 PM on Jan. 12, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (18)
  • After talking about it for a long time he finally was able to open up a little more. He explained that there are times when he gets depressed about getting older, being married, and having kids. He says that watching porn helped him deal with the depression. Him getting depressed wasn't news to me. I know this has happened to him on occasion and blew it off as normal. A lot of people have those "longing to be young and single" feelings on occasion, espcially when the stress of work and kids bring you down.

    So on the one hand it is good that he has this outlet that immeadiately makes him feel better, as opposed to being depressed and cranky for several days like he has done in the past. But on the other hand it still hurts me. I have noticed the difference in our sex life in the past yr. I don't feel attractive enough for him anymore (I can't compete with those women).
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:59 PM on Jan. 12, 2010

  • As well as just the feeling of uncertainty of if he is coming onto me bc he loves me and finds me attractive, or if he was just turned on by the computer and is looking for a "sperm recepticle". I also worry that the more he watches this (he told me he would "cut back") and the longer it goes on, the more likely it will be that he will cheat on me. Porn has cheapened his view of sex as nothing more than a pleasurable experience for him, it doesn't have much to do with me or love anymore. I am afraid the desensitization will make having sex outside the marriage not seem like such a big deal anymore.

    I don't want to divorce over this. I just don't know what to do about it. I feel like the easiest route would to just accept his "coping mechanism" and leave it at that.

    I should also add, he is pretty stubborn when it comes to other people telling him what to do. I know he will not attend any marital counseling.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:00 PM on Jan. 12, 2010

  • Well, you tell us not to try to change your mind about porn, but without doing that, you're never going to resolve this. Men look at porn, it's pretty normal... And it has absolutely NOTHING to do with how he feels about you. I don't believe looking at porn makes somebody cheat, either. It's a physical relief (when he masturbates), but it's basically the same as you masturbating, fantasizing about whomever (Johnny Depp for me). Doesn't mean you'd go out and cheat on him either, know what I mean?

    If there have been changes in his attitude towards you, and his sexual behavior with you, I believe it has more to do with issues in your relationship or within himself than with him watching porn... And maybe that is something you should go to couples counseling about. Of course, if he's not willing to do that, there's not much you can do, other than let it rest, or offer an ultimatum...

    Good luck!
    Anouck

    Answer by Anouck at 7:11 PM on Jan. 12, 2010

  • Have you guys tried going out more? Like on a vacation or having "date nights"? He needs to see the world outside his computer and get involved with any other activity that will help take his focus away from it. Does he like playing sports? Going to the beach? Snowboarding? Does he go out with his boys? Or just hang out at the house after work? He might be going through his "mid-life crisis" right now and maybe thinks of porn as a distraction that makes him "feel better." (The endorphins kick in and for that moment, "everything is fine.")

    Distract him. Suggest going out..doing something that you know he likes to do. If that doesn't work, are you close to any of his friends or family members that he trusts and listens to? Maybe talk to that person that you are worried about your husband, but not mention the porn thing unless absolutely necessary. Have that person take him out to find out what's really up.
    AneesasMom

    Answer by AneesasMom at 7:13 PM on Jan. 12, 2010

  • Get rid of the computer all together. that is the only way he will stop. He should go get help for his depression.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 7:13 PM on Jan. 12, 2010

  • I don't think it's fair to make a hard and fast rule that men who look at porn cheat. Many many many good husbands like porn and are unvaryingly faithful to their wives.

    Also, you don't have to compete with porn stars. Most of them are plastic and weird looking. Men aren't attracted to those women. They like to see them have sex, but at the end of the day, men want a woman they don't have to share. They want a wife.

    Your sex life being in a rut is the real problem here. If you were getting the attention and emotional connection and physical needs of your own fulfilled, you'd easily brush this off as a stupid man move on his part and tell him he's a gross perv. Figuring out how to get your relationship back to the fantastic love making cuddly goo-ball it was when you first got together should be the focus. The porn thing will fade after that.
    ecodani

    Answer by ecodani at 7:15 PM on Jan. 12, 2010

  • Since you are vocal about your unshakable views on porn, I assume your husband knows this and chose to do it anyway. There are numerous ways to deal with depression that does not involve doing something your spouse is so against. You have a few choices- accept your differences on porn and understand that for HIM, it is not as horrible as you think it is- we all make concessions for the ones we love or you could make him chose between your relationship and porn. No matter what you decide it must be something you can live with. I can not answer that one for you. If I had to pick- I would accept the differences and move on. I would be hurt that it came to that-but it would not be a deal breaker for me. If I think long and hard- I am sure there is something I do that my husband would rather I did not-but he accepts it.
    justmyopinion

    Answer by justmyopinion at 7:22 PM on Jan. 12, 2010

  • Porn doesn't resolve his issues with depression, he needs to address the real issues and seek counseling for them. I agree with you about porn, the part that doesn't sit well with me is that he is supposed to be making love with ME not closing his eyes and having some fantasy in his head about another woman while inside of me...to me that FEELS very much like cheating although of course it isn't....like you said, I don't want to be his sperm receptacle either. Ask him which would be worse...you leaving him, or him going to counseling..you don't have to put up with this it isn't right in Gods eyes and it hurts you, if your husband loves you he will be sensitive to your feelings and respect them. He may be selfish for as long as you allow him to be, men don't usually changed unless their back is up against a wall. You can't change him but you can decide what you will allow in your world and what you won't.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:27 PM on Jan. 12, 2010

  • Let him watch the videos. You know where he is at and what he is doing. If you are insecure about it then thats another problem at least he isn't cheating onj you. he probably didn't tell you because he was embarassing and was afraid of your reaction. Many men do it including mastrubate before and after marriage, weather you support it or not that is a personal choice.
    momof4303

    Answer by momof4303 at 7:29 PM on Jan. 12, 2010

  • A lot of people may do it but that doesn't make it right. If a person has to go behind your back to do something then they know they shouldn't be doing it. he should be sensative to your feelings and find another way to cope like gaining a hobby or something. When someone has a pass time that dimisheshes their relationship to the point where that person is concerned then the other person needs to change it. You shouldn't have to accept it. I'm sure he knew your stance on how you feel about porn.

    SylviaNCali

    Answer by SylviaNCali at 7:36 PM on Jan. 12, 2010

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