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How did other mothers here get over having to let their child go for visitation with a father and all the other things that come with that?

I am just looking for some support and advice because I know it is going to be really hard on me. Up until now I have been a single mom and I go to school and take care of my business and child and now my son is one and as soon as we go through the whole proceeding of establishing visitation, It will be inevitable that his father will have some visitation rights...how much is uknown at this point but I am trying to get used to the idea of having something like this out of my control.

I am just worried as any mother....
Does it get easier as they get older? What about having a step mom to share your child with? How do you accept this?
Mostly I just fear that his father wont listen to a thing i have to say about his care...or would have him around lax people who do not take care as I do. Example...., the swine flu was going around and so I was extra careful, he doesnt even think about that stuff..that kinda thing...

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:14 PM on Jan. 13, 2010 in General Parenting

Answers (28)
  • I know that with over half of marriages ending in divorce, most children are raised in a seperate parent style like this.....and we were not even married so he has not been around. Its just a big change for me to think I was doing it all alone and now my decisions are going to be gone against. I think in the long run its the best thing as im sure anyone can agree to, but its very hard not to think that i wil be sitting home on weekends fretting and praying on what is going on, where my son has been taken, who is around him etc. I just want to be at PEACE with it all and know its for the best interest of him, but its still so hard.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:17 PM on Jan. 13, 2010

  • It's really hard. I fought for sole custody because of this, and I am in charge of the medical, educational, and spiritual decisions for all of the children. It does get easier as they get older -- I enjoy having "me" time to go out and reconnect with friends, take classes, and keep up on hobbies that a lot of moms in "nuclear" families just don't have the time to do, so I focus on the positive aspects of having some time to cultivate the other aspects of me that are not just a mom.

    A stepmom will likely come along someday -- the best advice I can give you is to be VERY kind to her -- she will have likely heard a bunch of lies and stories from your ex-spouse, and if you show her that none of his stories seem very true and prove him wrong, she will be much more likely to work with you, defer to you in parenting decisions, and coparent with you in a positive manner.

    Good luck mama. It's hard, but you'll do great.
    elleinad

    Answer by elleinad at 1:19 PM on Jan. 13, 2010

  • Well he is the father just like you are the mother. He will have his way of raising his child you will have your way. You really can not tell him how to be with his child just like he cannot tell you how to be with his child. It goes both ways. You are just going to have to trust that he will do what is best for the child.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 1:20 PM on Jan. 13, 2010

  • I agree with louise2, I understand it is hard, I go thru the same thing, BUT luckily I do know that she is being well taken care of. But if there are some things I have a problem with maybe just ask him about it and talk about it with him. No need to nag and complain at him because thats not gonna make him do anything you say. But I'm sure if you too sit down and talk, you guys can come to an aggreement on most topics about your son. Good luck
    sexy_can_i

    Answer by sexy_can_i at 1:24 PM on Jan. 13, 2010

  • Yeah, thats the hard part...he is living with someone right now that hates me...long story short, we knew eachother before they met, and i got pregnant while they were "talking" if you want to call it that.....So you can imagine she is pretty jealus. That is where the really hard part is bc there are two ways she culd be: 1)she could have taken an interest in my child to get back at me, and had him fight from the beginning bc she wanted a baby or 2. she could hate me and my child and spread false rumors that the child is not his...
    she choose number 2, and alot of ppl that are around her have told me the horrible things she says and she seems so jealus and threatened by the situation she cannot even think straight.
    That is bothersome. Id like to at least meet with her when we are figuring out the vistiation schedule bc I know she will be around. I hope she would not take it out on my child but you never know how ppl will be.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:25 PM on Jan. 13, 2010

  • Bleh that's hard. Keep up with being as sweet as pie to her so she has NOOO ammo against you. This same exact thing happened to me -- my husband left me for another woman while I was pregnant -- some stuff happened in between there that made us not like each other, but lo and behold, he showed her his true colors and we are now friends (his girlfriend, now ex, and I). We kept up a good line of communication for the children's sake, but not everyone is as lucky as I am to have such a mature lady come onto the scene. Make an IRON CLAD PARENTING PLAN. Mine stated how much involvement the stepparent was to have in discipline and decisions etc -- it's 9 freakin pages long.
    elleinad

    Answer by elleinad at 1:28 PM on Jan. 13, 2010

  • My ex and I divorced when my youngest was 3 months old. He had shared custody immediately never dreamed of him not seeing his children as often I get to. Good for our children to have a tight bond with both of us. It was hard as it was hard on him not having them around all the time. We live only 4 blocks from each other the kids are with me 4 days him 3 days one week then with me 3 and him 4. Works well and since we live so close the kids don't miss out on friends and activities. We knew we could not live together but we agreed to make sure we both put our kids first and we have. My husband is a good man just not the man for me he is a fabulous father and my kids benefit from being around him. I cannot even fathom being one of those women who keep their kids away from their fathers or fight so he only gets them 4 days a month. So sad for the kids. But for many this is about them not the kids.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:29 PM on Jan. 13, 2010

  • I don't have to worry about the whole stepmom thing, I don't think anyone who actually knows my ex would be interested in him, nor has he ever been interested in anyone even close to his own age and now that he's almost 50 he can't get the girls in their upper teens/early 20s anymore.
    But it is really hard having my kids go to see him for several days and not know how they are, or what they're doing. Mine are at least old enough that they can tell me what they did, what they ate, where they went, etc when they do get home; although I don't pump them for information they are usually pretty forthcoming. It gets somewhat easier as you develop an outside life and have friends, hobbies, etc to keep you busy. I also try to get all my shopping, deep cleaning, etc done when they are there so I have that time with them when they get home. Good luck!
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 1:30 PM on Jan. 13, 2010

  • Wow you can do that?Everytime Ieven ask these types of questions on here, everyone rants at me that I will have no say so in anything when we deal with the lawyers and all of that...so im thinking that i will have no way of voicing my concerns and noone will care so i tried to just get over it. You are saying that I could limit how much disciplining a girlfriend or stepmom was able to do? Never have I heard of that..I will have to look into that.
    Honestly im just trying to make it right for my son....i dont want him to grow up having anger taken out on him bc she wanted to have a baby with him and I did instead....you know how jealusy can grow and there are bad ppl out there, whose to say she wouldnt do that.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:32 PM on Jan. 13, 2010

  • It is in my parenting plan that no stepparent is to ever enforce corporal punishment (spanking, hitting, etc.) on either end (so a stepfather if I remarry cannot do it either). Violation of that rule is in contempt of court. When you show your ex-spouse that you want it to go both ways, they are more amenable to understanding where you are coming from.
    elleinad

    Answer by elleinad at 1:34 PM on Jan. 13, 2010

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