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What do I tell her?

Alright, so here is the deal. I have this friend that is married. She has been married since 2005. Her and her hubby have no kids. She does a lot of talking online to people that she meets in game rooms and such. Anyways, she is 26. She met this guy that is 18 years old. I guess they have been talking for a few months now. He doesn't know she is married, just thinks she was engaged when they first met, and has since broken that engagement and is just "seeing" someone else. The other night I guess they were texting each other, and he told her that he felt he was limited in what he could feel for her. When she asked him what he felt, he said love. Now she is coming to me, telling me she loves him, and wants to be with him. She wants me to keep this quiet from her hubby as well as mine, because our hubby's are good friends. What do I tell her to make her understand this is a huge mistake? She is talking about divorcing for him.

 
Punky_1981

Asked by Punky_1981 at 11:12 PM on Jan. 13, 2010 in Relationships

Level 10 (496 Credits)
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Answers (11)
  • I have a rule - I will keep a secret of a friend cheating so long as the partner does not ask me. I don't help the cheater in any way other than not speaking of it to anyone except the partner if I'm asked.

    I offer that as a solution. I do say its better for the kids if the cheater's upfront with their partner and gets a separation or divorce but cheaters run on hormones and egos and that's a speed that's hard to beat.
    lfl

    Answer by lfl at 11:22 PM on Jan. 13, 2010

  • There is nothing you can say or do. If you feel a moral obligation as her friend, then make a single statement of fact that you think she is not seeing the bigger picture in life. Then drop it. Drop it. And if you're into praying, pray for her.
    ecodani

    Answer by ecodani at 11:16 PM on Jan. 13, 2010

  • All you can do is listen and tell her what you are really feeling. If you guys are close like that then you should be able to speak your mind, as she should also. What she is doing isnt right of course in out eyes, but she might be blinded right now and confused. Sometimes its hard to watch our friends destroy their life when we know the out come before they realize. all you can do is be her friend. It wouldnt be your place to tell her husband or even yours for that matter. Its not your secret to tell. She will do this and probably destroy everything good she has now...thats if its good! But you need to speak up and tell her its wrong, and be ther for her. She might get pissed at what your saying, but you wouldnt be a friend if you didnt. ;)
    bellamommyof4

    Answer by bellamommyof4 at 11:16 PM on Jan. 13, 2010

  • I think you should steer clear of someone that thinks cheating on any level is ok...your husband may view this as a concern if you support her decision to cheat or be unfaithful. Let her know your marriage is your priority and you dont want to keep secrets from him, thats crossing the line...Im sorry but it is. How would you feel if your husband was keeping this secret from you? You can surely be her friend, and let her know if shes unhappy in her marriage to end that first before jumping into something else before shes even living in seperate houses...sounds like a rebound to me. Good luck to both you.
    Blueyz1981

    Answer by Blueyz1981 at 11:23 PM on Jan. 13, 2010

  • Sometimes you just have to sit back and let people make their own decisions. Be thankful its not your relationship. You can tell her that you think she is making a mistake but leave it at that. There has to be something wrong with her marriage that she has been seeking outside comfort and maybe she will figure out how to convey her needs to her husband or maybe she wont. If I were you I would ask her to not discuss it with you further because your husband and hers are friends and its burdening you to have to keep a secret from your husband.
    ChaseyVance

    Answer by ChaseyVance at 11:24 PM on Jan. 13, 2010

  • I have a rule - I will keep a secret of a friend cheating so long as the partner does not ask me. I don't help the cheater in any way other than not speaking of it to anyone except the partner if I'm asked.

    I offer that as a solution. I do say its better for the kids if the cheater's upfront with their partner and gets a separation or divorce but cheaters run on hormones and egos and that's a speed that's hard to beat.






    Well put.......with a dear friend I will not say anything, but I do make it clear if DH comes to me in confidence and help or advice I'm not going to lie for her...period...I will offer her my opinion but it's her decision and she's an adult......I'd stay way out of that one....you never want to be the one inbetween a marriage....let them handle their issues....too much drama to involve yourself in...imo
    LynnB1

    Answer by LynnB1 at 11:26 PM on Jan. 13, 2010

  • I totally understand were you are I am going throught it as we speak.. My friend has a 2 year old left he hubby and is now turned into everything in a mother we once hated.. We have been friends for 15 years and all I can do along with her hubby(they are separated but no divorced) is stand by her and when the fall out happens and I know it will still be one of the few people still standing by her.. Thats the best advice I can give.. I tried for months to get her to see what she was doing was wrong and would only end in a big mess but she wouldnt listen and neither will your friend you just have to sit back and let the fall out happen and be one of the few people still there for her when no one else is
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:32 PM on Jan. 13, 2010

  • Tell her what you really think. In situations like this, honesty is always the best policy.
    Kword

    Answer by Kword at 12:55 AM on Jan. 14, 2010

  • Thanks everyone. I did tell her that I wasn't going to lie to my hubby for her. If he asked if something was up, I was going to tell him. I refuse to lie to him over this, because as one of you stated, it will cause a problem with my marriage, and although she is a good friend to me, she is not worth it. I told her that I thought she was dumb for even thinking about this. The other guy is only 18. I don't think he knows what he wants really, and I know she is going to end up getting hurt. The other guy is telling her that he wants a baby. That he is ready for everything that comes with that. Well he litterally just got out of highschool last June. He is really into video games, and hanging with his friends. She told me that much already. I don't know how he figures he is ready for parenthood. I really hope that I can get through to her. Thanks again for all the advice ladies. You really helped. :)
    Punky_1981

    Answer by Punky_1981 at 1:02 AM on Jan. 14, 2010

  • I agree with the previous posters and glad you do too at not keeping secrets from your spouse if they ask. I can only suggest being harshly blunt as you have already.

    I mean point out how stupid it is, give examples such as how would the two of them support themselves and their gaming addiction that probably cost $15 per account. I'd point out if she followed through with her actions you as a friend and many others that know her would loose respect for her running after an 18 year old who has barely any idea what life is like and how to support himself much less her and him. I normally could care less about age as long as both parties are mature enough to handle life. In this instance I would say that the guy is a 13 year old in an 18 year old's body if he wants to play house and still live the lime-life of gaming. She's acting like some smitten young teeny-bopper who needs to grow up.

    Good luck to you!
    Knightquester

    Answer by Knightquester at 2:12 AM on Jan. 14, 2010

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