Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

How to love yourself again after dh isn't in love with you anymore?

About a month ago my dh of 19 yrs informed me that he was not "in love" with me any more. He has had these feeling for about 10 yrs now. He has been "working" on it for himself tying to figure out how to get the feeling back but has been unsuccessful. We have moved around a lot over the yrs. Now we are in a state that I have no family or friends. I'm a SAHM with two teenagers. I do have a career to fall back on but does not pay well enough to support me and my kids. Also I just enrolled in college. He is willing to pay for my schooling but it will take about 3-4 yrs to finish.
I have lost myself in 19 yrs of marriage and moving around a lot. I also have a mild to moderate hearing loss so it makes it difficult for me to socialize like before we were married. Right now he wants to do his own thing and me do my own thing. He says I need to become happy again for this to maybe work out. Any suggestions?

Answer Question

Asked by cinsue967 at 1:48 AM on Jan. 14, 2010 in Relationships

Level 1 (0 Credits)
Answers (5)
  • No, suggestions as I'm young a engaged, pregnant with my first. But I am sorry to hear about what you're going through. it's so sad that that could be the story for any of us and I wouldn't wish that on anyone, to love for that long, to give so much etc. to only be told that. I do hope you find comfort through the pain and if you want it to work than I do hope that for you. Be strong, hang in there and again, I'm very sorry to hear this.

    Answer by Jeda624 at 1:55 AM on Jan. 14, 2010

  • Honestly, I think the best thing would be therapy - for you alone, and also together. If he's been unhappy for 10 yrs, then he should have come forward before it reached this point so that you were aware of it, too, because marriage is about 2 people, and you BOTH have to work on it. It wasn't fair of him to tell you that there were problems if he was aware of it.

    Again, I suggest counseling. I have a friend here where we are going through something similar (only they have 1 kid at home and 2 grown), and, come to find out, he had an affair recently "because he's not happy and hasn't been for yrs". It's painful, and it's taking a lot of work, but they are going to counseling (together and apart), but they're slowly working out the problems.

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 1:55 AM on Jan. 14, 2010

  • If you still love him maybe try to work on getting him back? if he's only been working on it by himself for that long then thats not fair to you... try some sexy new games or role playing or just act like two strangers who pick each other up in a bar or something... I think the counseling is a good idea too though.. and maybe you need to find some hobbies or make new friends for volunteer somewhere? Maybe some where for people with hearing loss so you can bond or have something in common already...

    Answer by Jan0609momma at 2:11 AM on Jan. 14, 2010

  • Well for starters he does not want to try counseling. Since I don't work I cannot afford to see a counselor myself either. He has moved into our spare bedroom and spends most of his time off work with co-workers, friends or his brother. We spend time together but it is strained and uncomfortable for the most part. He is not ready to divorce me mostly because of my schooling and am unable to support myself right now. I have lost myself in the years of moving around for state to state. Most of my friends live in other states and I have to drive over 4 hours to see them. I just need to find myself again...maybe that will make him love me again maybe not but I cannot live life with out loving me! And I just don't right now. But I agree that he should have told me years ago but he says he was just trying to figure it out in his own way.

    Answer by cinsue967 at 2:41 AM on Jan. 14, 2010

  • this sounds just like my situation. married 15yrs and then out of the blue doesnt want to be with me anymore. after a year of barely speaking to each other, I found God and I started to love myself again and I began to change. He saw the change in me and he started to study the bible, he changed too. today we are happy and had another baby. he was the last person on earth that i thought would read the bible.

    now, im not saying that you need to read the bible, dont know if youre religious or not, that was my experience and just wanted to let you know that there is hope. dont give up.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:57 AM on Jan. 14, 2010

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.