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Should I just give him time? Possibly TMI!

My SO and I have been together for about 6 months or so, although we've known each other for much longer. We never planned on getting pregnant, he has low sperm count and I have an odd shaped uterus, but it happened anyways and I'm beyond thrilled that it looks healthy and great so far however he isn't. When we decided to stop using condoms we discussed the possibility and he was fine with the slim chance, but since I've told him he has completely changed. He's become withdrawn, doesn't really talk to me, we hardly ever see each other anymore, he won't help in any way, and even tried to push me into getting an abortion, but then every once in awhile he starts to seem like the old him, and I get hopeful that he's finally back, and then he becomes withdrawn again. Everyone keeps saying just give him time, it's a big shock, he'll get used to it, but I just don't know, I need his support and he doesn't have any to give.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 6:24 AM on Jan. 14, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • With the odds of him being able to impregnate, is it possible that he thinks the baby might not be his? Maybe he's too afraid to get all excited about it only to find out later that he might not be the Dad?
    I'm not trying to imply that you were ever unfaithful but when a dr tells you that the chances of you conceiving (and with both of your chances being low) it's incredible, and maybe even questionable to some people.
    Like you, my chances were slimmer than average, my hubby has health issues that make his chances slimmer too and yet... we conceived 4 times. Anytime a man or woman says or seriously believes that they can have sex without protection because they're low risk... they both need to realize that it only takes one tiny swimmer to get to the right spot lol
    He's in shock, the miracle conception has happened and it'll take some time to adjust.

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 6:48 AM on Jan. 14, 2010

  • I'm hoping he just needs time to adjust, it is a miracle conception, and sometimes I just don't understand how he's not as excited and happy about it as I am. I guess he could think he's not the dad, I hope he doesn't, he should know me well enough by now to know I don't cheat. We discussed the fact that having unprotected sex could lead to pregnancy, even with our complications, and he said he was fine with that, he didn't want to actively try to get pregnant but if it happened then he's like a totally different person, even his family said he's been acting weird, and I guess with all the emotions from the pregnancy adding in him changing so much, and fighting with me more than I have ever fought with him, when all I want is his love and support again makes me feel like I'm going crazy or something. I think I may have mostly needed to vent that, but any advice is still very welcomed.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:59 AM on Jan. 14, 2010

  • Sounds like alot of changes in a short amount of time, if you've only been together 6 mo (even though you've known each other longer its different when you finally enter into a relationship) & now you're pregnant & neither thought it was gonna be possible that's alot. Suggest he find another adult male he can talk to about how he's feeling. Men & women handle this "happy" news in different ways, our roles are different in the child's life. He may be feeling like he took a calculated risk & never really expected you to get prego so is having a hard time accepting that his life will never be the same again. Get him involved, take him w/ you to the dr so he can hear the heartbeat, & the ultrasounds when you do them. Listen to his input & his underlying fears. Reassure him that nobody knows what they're doing @ 1st & that's part of the fun of being a parent. Tell him what you need from him & explain the hormones.

    Answer by Nyx7 at 8:40 AM on Jan. 14, 2010

  • So you 2 are not married? Are you living together?
    IMO By what you have said he does not want the baby or you anymore. He is blaming you for getting pregnant.

    Answer by louise2 at 9:14 AM on Jan. 14, 2010

  • i agree with poster number 1...he may have a fear that its not his. I would leave him alone. He will eventually come around.

    Answer by shay1130 at 9:16 AM on Jan. 14, 2010

  • I would sit him down with no distractions and express your feelings and concerns to him. Unfortunately, men don't always express things like we do. They will hold things in, try to work through things on their own etc which makes us feel like they're withdrawing and pushing us away. Usually, it's just that they are trying to wrap their heads around things in their own way and will eventually come around. Even when ppl have been together for a long time and it is planned, when it actually happens, a pregnancy can throw a guy into a tailspin. Our focus is usually more on the baby growing inside it healthy, is it a boy or girl etc. Guys start to panic about things like finances (especially if they are or will be the only breadwinner), will they be a good dad etc. So be honest, let him know your concerns but that you can do it together and give him some space and don't expect him to react the same as you. Good Luck!

    Answer by mystiquepa at 9:40 AM on Jan. 14, 2010

  • i would give him time but at the same time be prepared for him to decide he is not father material.

    Answer by mom2snsb at 9:59 AM on Jan. 14, 2010

  • First of all, do not listen to louise2. She has been telling posters who have any problem at all with their DH or SO that the man doesn't love them anymore. So ignore her.

    Something similar to your situation happened to me when I got pregnant with our first. We had decided to stop using condoms knowing that pregnancy was a possibility, even a slim one. It happened one month after we got married. For a long time it wasn't real for him so it was like I dealt with everything alone. It happened so fast and was so shocking to him that he couldn't process it. It took quite a while and a lot of talks but he finally came around. I would suggest talking to him and just letting him know everything is going to be alright, that you two can and need to rely on each other and it will be fine.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:28 AM on Jan. 14, 2010

  • Thank you guys so much, there have been a lot of changes in both of our lives, going from best friends to a couple, and then to future parents, I can understand that. I really think I'm just worried I won't be able to do it without him, especially with him being so different lately, and I needed to vent or rant my worries and frustrations out to SOMEONE since I can't to him like I've been doing for years, He's always been the strong one in our relationship, from friends to lovers, and now I feel like I have to step up and be the strong one, I have no idea how he did it for so long, the worries, doubts, second guessing, all of it is so much harder than I ever thought. He makes it look easy! lol. Thankfully he talked to me last night, and seems to be coming around, he no long thinks abortion is an option, and actually wants to know how I'm doing, so I'm for the best! Thank you all for the advice.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:22 PM on Jan. 14, 2010

  • Just talk to him. Tell him you're scared too. Get all your feelings out and be prepared to listen to his. I hope it all works out for you.

    Answer by KellyOh72 at 4:20 PM on Jan. 14, 2010

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