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When do you butt into your 18 yr old daughters relationship with her boyfriend?

Our daughter is 18 still lives at home and has been dating a boy for 4 months now. He is constantly buying her things or giving her money for things she mentions. Well, prom is coming up and she found or he did, a $500 dress he said he would get for her!! Neither of them have a vehicle, are planning on a trip in the summer etc. When do we or do we butt in and tell her no? We think they BOTH should be thinking about the future, college, a car etc. But is it our place to tell her she can't have something her BF is going to pay for??

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Asked by Michellek89 at 8:49 PM on Jan. 14, 2010 in Adult Children (18+)

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Answers (26)
  • Be glad she isn't showering him with gifts. IMO that is worse.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:50 PM on Jan. 14, 2010

  • Since she is 18 you really can't forbid anything. She's an adult, and if she wants to accept his gifts she can. All you can do is share your honest opinion.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:52 PM on Jan. 14, 2010

  • No, it isn't your place.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:54 PM on Jan. 14, 2010

  • Thanks all, I guess I knew the answer all along, just hubby and I get so upset that they aren't thinking for the future. Neither has a car and he lives 40 minutes away. So either she has to go pick up up and borrow our vehicle and then take him back home, or he is bumming rides from his friends. WHY don't they think!!! It's not like this is a wedding dress for crying out loud!!! UGH

    Oh well, I guess we will just have to pull the plug on OUR vehicle and see if that motivates them to do something better with their money than blow it on a dress she'll only wear once!


    Answer by Michellek89 at 9:09 PM on Jan. 14, 2010

  • It's his money and if he want's to buy it for her it is none of your business. You are feeling so much resentment about this. If you are going to have an ongoing good relationship with your daughter you need back off and enjoy your daughter. Many parent would be glad if the problem with their daughter's boyfriend is that he buys her stuff. Let her enjoy her prom. You buy her something special for prom or treat her with a mini spa day before the prom.

    Why take away the car to teach them a lesson? What they will learn is that you can be mean just because you have that power. They will learn about money in time on their own. You do not have to be the bad guy.

    My 21 year old son read what I have written and agrees. He has a good job and recently bought his own house in Tucson with a pool. He is going to college. He owns his car, no car payments. I never did anything bad to him or nagged him. I only offered inormation.

    Answer by Gailll at 9:21 PM on Jan. 14, 2010

  • No, i dont think you should be saying anything. she is still young and he is spending money on her. thats nice alot of boys that age use girls for money.

    Answer by DilsMommy at 9:35 PM on Jan. 14, 2010

  • Gaill, Thank you for your reply!!! I guess because my hubby and I struggled so hard we just don't want them to make the same mistakes, but you are right, THEY have to live and learn and so I believe we will just let them do that. I guess that's all part of being a parent is stepping aside and letting them make mistakes so that they can grow and learn on their own, even if it KILLS us! ROFL

    So, any advice about a 20 yr old daughter with no ambition and drive who is just fine with living at home and letting her parents pay for everything?? LOL

    Answer by Michellek89 at 9:36 PM on Jan. 14, 2010

  • Be careful the young man doesn’t become obsessive. Spending such money might give him the right. It can be very dangerous since they been only dating for 4 months.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:11 PM on Jan. 14, 2010

  • Well, we already have concerns about some "issues" WE believe there are, such as his getting upset when she doesn't text/call him back soon enough, calling her several times a day or texting and texting or calling late at night. I have talked to her about these things, and she has told him or talked to him about his getting upset if she takes too long to get back to him, but again, everything I say falls on deaf ears, and she is in "love" and so of course won't take my advice as sound. Another thing I will just talk to her about and hope she either wakes up, or they are able to work things out.
    He is a good sweet kid, he just has issues with trust and well, everything I hear about his mother (haven't met her) and being VERY strict Catholics, ugh, I could go on forever lol

    Answer by Michellek89 at 10:16 PM on Jan. 14, 2010

  • Wow. In our house high schoolers follow our rules and that's that. My 19 and 18yo sons are seniors and they wouldn't be allowed to spend that kind of money on a girlfriend. They have curfews, chores and pay basic (cell phone & car insurance) bills & put gas in their cars. They respect our rules 100% and know that we have their best interests at heart. Our older 2 sons had the same rules.

    I wouldn't let a boy spend that kind of money on my daughter but that's just me. They are too young for that and he will probably expect something in return. Most boys do when they shell out that kind of money. My sons go to school with a few of them.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:15 AM on Jan. 15, 2010

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