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having a hard time dealing

the ex has supervised visitation with our 8 and 6 yr old. hes never been there for them and now he wants to be daddy. the kids have been doing so well with him gone. he owes 22,000 in arrears. my husband has done everything for them and its like theyre being brainwashed and i have to "be a good mom" and encourage this "new" relationship. they used to call him by his name but now its daddy. wtf!! he was abusive to them and now miraculously hes a good person. and im supposed to be ok with it. what happens when he gets them back unsupervised? youll be hearing about us on the 6 o'clock news! ive done everything by the book and followed all the rules and im the one whose on the losing end. courts dont give a shit about the well being of our children. theres no where else to turn and i dont think i have any fight left in me to keep going. its like im sending the lambs to the slaughter.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 9:23 PM on Jan. 14, 2010 in School-Age Kids (5-8)

Answers (6)
  • I'm sorry to that you are going through this. I can not say I know what you are going through but I've had something happen with my oldest son (technically step son). I know it's hard but try to busy yourself while the kids are with him. When they come back just ask them what they did with their father but do not say anything bad about him. If you see any signs of him abusing them photograph it and report it. I know it sucks but it'll get better. It may take awhile but it will get better. If you need to talk just send me a message. Good luck and my thoughts are with you.

    Answer by Juggalette0327 at 11:04 PM on Jan. 14, 2010

  • I hear your frustation! However, you should keep your cool and keep doing everything by the book and follow all the rules. So, the court will see that you are obeying them (I know it sucks!) That way when the time comes to go to court and fight for them you have everything in order. About the kids, they are old enough to know who is phony and a hipocryte, they know that he was abusive to them. However, they need a chance to know his dad. I wish I had an opportunity to had known my father better even if it was with supervised visits. Do not let your guard down, your kids will see your courage and strength during this time in your life (maybe not now but when they are adults they will see what was happening). I will keep you in my thoughts.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:15 PM on Jan. 14, 2010

  • i would definately follow the courts and as much as you want to, try not to bad mouth your ex as much as possible because they won't like that. I don't think they are old enough to know who is phony - well they may know who is phony, but they are still at the age where they don't want to believe that is the case. they may know what happened, but they are probably trying to give him a chance. they want to believe that he will be that dad to them that your DH has been. if he isn't changed, things will go south and you being strong and "the good mom" will give the kids the stability and security they need.

    I wish you the best.

    Answer by aly38914290 at 10:14 AM on Jan. 15, 2010

  • I read somewhere here on CM where someone said you could deny visitation if he owes Child Support. I don't know how true that is, but maybe you should look into that.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:38 AM on Jan. 15, 2010

  • This is about your kids yet it seems in your post it is mostly about you and how you feel. I would play by the rules and work to not look like the irrational parent. Voice any concerns you have immediately and don't let things slide ever. He may get unsupervised visitation you will have to deal with that when the time comes. You need to make this about your children and less about how you will feel. They are his children you made them with him and I doubt he suddenly turned into a creep overnight. You made a choice he would be their father and now you have to deal with that. You can make this easier on your children or harder. I would chose making it easy so they do know they can come to you if things go badly with him. If they sense you will overreact to anything they say they won't say a word to you.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:39 AM on Jan. 15, 2010

  • I can understand why you would be frustrated...HOWEVER, anyone is capable of change!!! If you deny your kids the ability to get to know him-the new him, we assume, unless he proves otherwise-they will question YOU when they get older. It is fantastic that your husband has been a positive male role model for your kids, however, I think it's wrong...that is MY opinion, and I don't expect others to's wrong to let your child(ren) call another man "daddy" whether you're married to them or not-if their bio dad is alive and showing desire to BE as much of a daddy as he can be.
    Child support is helpful-but I don't think it should determine whether or not a parent should be emotionally involved in their children's lives.
    That emotional connection, if a positive one, is worth more than a lifetime supply of diamonds.

    Answer by WatermelonNerd at 4:18 PM on Jan. 15, 2010

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