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how to tell a SIL that instead of making a lie to tell the truth AND not getting into a debate?

My sil came from out of town with her hubs and son. Well we have just bought our first home and I was very excited to have them see it. We are proud and hoped they would be as well. In the 3 days that they have been here they have came up with every excuse not to come over so instead we go to them. I later find out from hubs that there is a lie that is making them stay away and it hurts. I am hurt because she could not confront me about it only to sneer behind my back and 2, I have never felt good enough for his side of the family; making me feel even more rejected.
How can I tell her that this really hurt without being confrontational and getting heated over it???

 
wolfmomma30

Asked by wolfmomma30 at 3:10 AM on Jan. 16, 2010 in Just for Fun

Level 5 (64 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (8)
  • Family issues - why is it so hard sometimes to be kind to the people in our lives that are suppose to be the most important, yet we can be extremely kind to someone who is just a "friend"? I would just sit with her and talk to her about it. It is to important to not have issues between family. She may not know how to or be confident enough to talk to you (even though she seems to be able to give it the gossip time). Let her know you're hurt, but be willing to listen to her tell her story. If you are going to fix this so that it becomes a positive, you have to be calm, don't accuse her of anything, accept her apology (if one is offered), and apologize yourself. We are never completely fault free.

    jesse123456

    Answer by jesse123456 at 8:31 AM on Jan. 16, 2010

  • I would just say what is going on? What is your problem and I would rather that you tell me the truth.
    truealaskanmom

    Answer by truealaskanmom at 3:11 AM on Jan. 16, 2010

  • To add a little more; if it helps. The lie is that we smoke in our house, and that is something they don't want their son/my nephew around. Well # 1 my hubs does not smoke and although I do, I would never ever smoke inside my house. I have worked to hard for it and wouldn't because I know most don't like it. Now they were told this from my FILs gf who has only been to our house once. How she smelled smoke I have no clue. I have candles burning all the time so maybe she smelled a flame going out. idk. Hubs was a little upset at his sis' tone because she used to smoke, and now she had a tone of "Im better than that". My hubs is very laid back and takes alot to get him ticked.
    Sorry just hurt and venting. Someone help me out please.
    wolfmomma30

    Answer by wolfmomma30 at 3:14 AM on Jan. 16, 2010

  • Have you husband deal with it, he needs to tell them their behavior is not ok.
    truealaskanmom

    Answer by truealaskanmom at 3:21 AM on Jan. 16, 2010

  • The smell of cigarrettes stay in your home for a long time no matter how many candles you burn or what. This aunt if she thinks that she is to good to come to your home then so be it. It's her lost not yours and besides I wouldn't want the snobby bitch under my roof anyways. Just to keep peace I would just leave it well enough alone. Be the bigger person, leave it be she can get her panties in a bunch for nothing she's the one that is missing out not you and your hubby.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:24 AM on Jan. 16, 2010

  • It takes time (read many years, but don't hold your breath) for in-laws to accept you. Also if a person chooses to lie to me without telling the truth, or giving me the benefit of a doubt, I wouldn't be very concerned about them. People who matter don't judge, those that judge don't matter. People who do have told me (silently) that it's easier to lie because they practice lying to themselves more. Honesty is the foundation of any relationship. They can't give what they ain't got. Frankly, your husband and family are more important than their pettiness. The best way to teach these in-laws an example is by living the example. Learn to utilize the power of silence in stilling your tongue, feelings of rejection, quieting your anger and binding them with the power of prayer. The truth requires no defense.

    Ewadun

    Answer by Ewadun at 4:14 AM on Jan. 16, 2010

  • I do not take my kids to people's houses that smoke. It is gross, even if they don't smoke in the house. My brother smokes, and when he comes in my house, he brings that nasty smell, and it lingers.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:43 AM on Jan. 16, 2010

  • Just call and tell her you heard fil's gf said you smoked in the house and that it's not true.
    That you're really looking forward to having them see your new home.
    If she still won't come, then it's definitely her loss.
    Six_on_my_own

    Answer by Six_on_my_own at 10:11 AM on Jan. 16, 2010

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