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hubby says he needs to go to the bar after work to relieve stress and blow off steam is this right.we live payck to payck i don'nt know were he is getting the money from

to tell you alittle bit about this whole story . last jan 2008 my hubby was left go from his job after 19yr's that was 10min from our home. he got hirerd back from the same employer a month later on but had to take a $2 cut in pay & start from the buttom up and drive to there other plant that takes him 40min to get there so round trip he drives 80 miles a day. now he hates his job use to like it but now every one treats him like he does not know any thing and the people there he says fear him becasue he has more experience then they do at the job. he only works 36hr's a wk and 48hr's the other wk. 12hr shifts 3days one wk and 4 days the other wk. when he is home on his days off he does not want me to talk to him he says he needs his quite time becasue he has noise at work. so he stays in bed till 1pm on his days off & comes on the couch and lays there until 10pm. you girls are the only people i can talk to. friends not a loud

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:02 AM on Jan. 17, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • Your husband sounds depressed. Also, if he has to go to bars, he may be an alcoholic. I'm sorry about this....One thing for certain, don't allow him to disrespect you or have so much power over you. Do you work, too? If not, you may want to consider getting a job.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:05 AM on Jan. 17, 2010

  • That last sentence...friends not allowed?? There's a serious problem there! And then on top of that him wanting to go to the bar everyday after work? I'm sorry you have to go through this. I really think you need to talk to somebody about it. Maybe marriage counseling or something.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:26 AM on Jan. 17, 2010

  • i am the one that wrote in hubby has to go to bar to relieve stress and blow off steam. no i do not work. i ended up quiting my job after 20yr's. after i pad for child care for 2 and gas for my truck. and health care i did not have a payck left. so 3 yr's ago my hubby and i thought it would be best that i quite work. i totally regret it now. that was the worst thing i could have ever done. i have no control at all. i do not have any family they have passed away. my husband has family but do not have much to do with them becasue they do not like there son of how he is. yes my hubby is on depresstion meds. doc just up his dose 2 wk's ago .i do not see any change in him. some times i feel like i am living in hell. i do not have any money like i said wk live payck to payck and just get buy. i do not drink or smoke never messed around on hubby. i am home with the kids 24/7. the only time i am not with them is when i am sleeping.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:39 AM on Jan. 17, 2010

  • friends are not allowed? ok. I see. I was in a very similarly controlling relationship for 7 years, which I just got out of. Other abuse factors were involved, but that is neither here nor there. what you are experiencing is emotional/mental abuse. Its a hard pill to swallow to even admit that that is what is going on, but it is.

    please send me a message, I have some info for you- i'm not telling you to leave your husband, but you are both obviously unhappy. he sounds as though he is depressed, and both of you would benefit from some small interventions. I'm not here to judge or tell you what to do, just simply tell you what I see, and what I lived through. It can be better, if you want it to, but only you can decide that.
    ObbyDobbie

    Answer by ObbyDobbie at 10:39 AM on Jan. 17, 2010

  • If he is say he HAS to go to the bar and then does nothing at home and won't allow any noise and won't allow you any friends... sweetie, those are some red flags right there. I agree, he sounds like a depressed alcoholic and for some reason he's got it in his head that he can control you like this. Talk to him and tell him that this is not normal behavior and that you having friends is only a problem for him, not you. He needs to get over that real quick. Also, if he needs it quiet, tell him to stay in the bedroom. The living room is a common/high traffic area...at least in my house... and it's gonna be noisier than other parts of the house. And if he is having problems with you or the fact you need things to get better, suggest counseling. At this point I would be at my wits end and the yes/no decision on counseling may be a dealbreaker for me. KWIM? Luck to you!
    mom2BOYZnDad

    Answer by mom2BOYZnDad at 10:39 AM on Jan. 17, 2010

  • i am not aloud to have any friends becasue he does not want me to get any idea's from them. of them telling me to leave him or giving me other idea's. plus he does not want me to go to bars becasue then i might find somone who is better then him.the only people who i can talk to is cafmom. if he would know that there is a site on her that i can talk to he would totally bitch me out.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:46 AM on Jan. 17, 2010

  • i have asked him to go to see a marriage counceler and he told me no. why do i need to see somone when i know what the problem is already. i think he knows at this point i can not leave because i do not have any money or any were's to go and know one will help me becasue i do not have any one. somtimes i sit here at night after the kids go to bed and just wonder if i am making a big deal out of this whole thing. maybe this is normal in some family's. is it? should i just be happy that he does not hit me and the kids and he is not cheating on me and that i am a stay at home mom.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:59 AM on Jan. 17, 2010

  • No it is not normal... not normal to have no friends, not normal to have to be quiet all day if he won't go to counseling I suggest you go by yourself. I think he knows he's being a jerk and he doesn't want someone else telling him what he already knows. Get out get a job make friends you are the only one that would know if you can put up with his behavior the rest if your life. Make plans volunteer at your kids school to make friends everyone can leave there are shelters that will help if you explain the situation they can help. You are not making a big deal out of something that bothers you. You don't have to have him control your life you can control your own. I am not saying leave if you think it can work out but only you can decide what is best for you and your children. Good Luck need to talk let me know.
    Moms_Angels1960

    Answer by Moms_Angels1960 at 12:05 PM on Jan. 17, 2010

  • Bless his heart. This recession has to be hard on men like him. It just takes a toll on their self esteem when they get treated like this. I'm sure he's not seeing the good, that he even has a job so I won't suggest mentioning that. I agree that he sounds depressed. I read about men needing to go to their "man cave" to think. Maybe that's all he's doing is trying to figure out how to take care of his family. Lots of men go to bars not just to drink but to get away from the stress of every day life. (others play video games, watch sports, go hunting, etc) It's just their way of balancing out things. My x used to hang in bars even when he wasn't working. There is always someone who will buy a pal a beer. I'm guessing that when he comes home he's reminded of his responsibilities and goes back into his Man Cave again. Just give him a hug and tell him you know he'll figure it all out. Maybe he would like to start a business. Ask.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 12:32 PM on Jan. 17, 2010

  • thank you all for the great idea's and things i can do. thank you so much admckenziefor what you said also. i know he does not need to drink becasue when he is not working he is home with us and he does not need to drink we do not even have it in the house. like you said the bar is his man cave after work and he needs that time to mellow out after a 12hr shift that day. he does not come home drunk. i know he has a lot of responsibilities with his family and work. he does want to do somthing diffrent for work but he is to scared to try somthing new. he wants to drive semi but needs to get his cdl's but will not make that first move to get them. i just wish i could find a good paying job that would give me somthing extra at the end of the wk after i pay for child care and gas in my truck. before we had kids things were fine. but then all the responsiblites came and extra moeny being put out. YOU ALL ARE GREAT FRIENDS
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:38 PM on Jan. 17, 2010

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