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Need advice to help me get thru terrible times with my sons.

I have 2 sons, 17 and 21. The oldest has been in trouble and in prison a couple of years ago. He lives with us and we have helped him out. At times he is very volatile and disrespectful. My 17 year old son has also been in trouble with the law. He refuses to go to school and his girlfriend is pregnant. My husband and I have suffered with these two boys for 5 years now. I am severely depressed and am seeking counseling. All I can handle is work and sleep. I am sick with worry for both of them and I can't seem to stop.I want to be happy again. They are sloppy and do not clean up their living space. The 21 year old will not look for a job. Please help!!

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Asked by 4848 at 11:44 AM on Jan. 17, 2010 in Adult Children (18+)

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Answers (8)
  • Kick his butt out! They both need reality checks!

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:49 AM on Jan. 17, 2010

  • Kick them out! They are old enough to care for themselves. If they fall on their face don't help them, they need to learn to be responsible for themselves. I know it seems harsh but they have made the choices, now they need to take responsibility for them.

    Answer by MrsLeftlane at 11:50 AM on Jan. 17, 2010

  • I would have to agree with the one above. Kick them out. You cant help someone if they arnt willing to help themselves.

    Answer by armywife2009101 at 11:50 AM on Jan. 17, 2010

  • Seems to me like it's time to give an ultimatum. You either work and pay rent or you find a new place to live. I know one is only 17, so he should have until he's 18 to clean up and get a job, Your oldest, he knows what he's doing. He knows full well he's taking advantage and you don't deserve it. I understand these are you children, but they're also using you and not thinking one bit about what this is doing to you or how it's making you feel, so cut the tie and send the older one out there on his own now.

    Answer by mom2BOYZnDad at 11:54 AM on Jan. 17, 2010

  • Ok, this is not at all bashing you but I feel like you need a blunt answer. You need to push them. Kick their butts out and MAKE them do it on their own. Now, I have to say, my kids are not grown and I haven't been on your end of things. I was, however, a real butt head when I was a teen. Into drugs, staying out all night, being with my bf.. and I got pregnant at 17. So, I can speak for the other side. You're their mom. Of course you want to help them. And they know that so they are going to take advantage of it. If you don't want to kick them out, which would be understandable, then at least make it really hard. Enforce rent for the oldest and the day the younger turns 18, he has to start paying too. You will not pay their bills, you will not bail them out, I would even stop buying their food. It wont be easy, but they have to know that you will no longer enable them. I hope this helps some how. My prayers are with you.

    Answer by Megs5384 at 11:55 AM on Jan. 17, 2010

  • My grandson was released from prison last year and he pulled that bs. His mom told him that he'd have to find another place to live and he did. Finding a job was part of his probation terms and he was not doing that. When he was threatened with going back to prison over it he found a job quickly. These young people have to learn responsibility. They can make a mistake but they just make life harder on themselves for it . It's no excuse for them to pull everyone else down with them and make others miserable. My dd gave my gs a month to find a new place to live. She was fair about giving him time to get a job and take his money and put down on an apt. He ended up making his gf pay for the apt but now he's working and back on track. You and dad need to stand firm and set down rules like get a job and/or a place of your own within a certain time frame or he has to get out. If he won't go legally evict him

    Answer by admckenzie at 12:05 PM on Jan. 17, 2010

  • I'd tell the younger son that he too can be evicted as soon as he turns 18 so he better make plans now.

    Answer by admckenzie at 12:06 PM on Jan. 17, 2010

  • I agree with the others. The 21 yr old would be out on his butt!! The 17 yr old I would say go to school or get a job or your out too. It's hard as a parent not to worry, you will even if they were in a perfect place and living on their own. Tough love is sometimes tougher on the parents I think, but supposedly is the best in these situations. We just talked to our almost 20 yr old daughter and gave her the ultimatum although she has never been in jail and never really in trouble, just needs a push as she was getting a little too comfortable and lazy and not living up to her potential lol

    Best of luck to you!!

    Answer by Michellek89 at 12:01 PM on Jan. 18, 2010

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