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How can I help our son's birthmother feel more comfortable about seeing him?

I'm especially wanting ideas from bmoms, but would welcome advice from anyone in the triad. DS's bmom hasn't seen him since he was 4 months old, and he's 17 months now. For a long time she wasn't returning my calls. A few months ago she got back in touch and we said we'd get together, but it never happened. I tried to call her again the other day but she hasn't called back.

At first I think she was worried that she would be intruding. I think that now she feels comfortable with us and knows that we are glad to hear from her. I think that maybe she knows it will be hard to see him.

I'm worried that it will just get harder as he gets older, and I don't want her to be a stranger to him. I don't want to put pressure on her, but I want to somehow encourage her to visit us or let us visit her. Does anyone have any suggestions?


Asked by Iamgr8teful at 9:12 PM on Jan. 19, 2010 in Adoption

Level 25 (23,279 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (13)
  • Don't worry about him being "older" yet, he's not even 1-1/2 and the first 2 years are really emotional years for the birth mom even without the drug use. You can't control her desires or actions and it will stress you out more about her not coming if you are pursuant of her and not the other way around. Send her a "thinking of you" type card now and again and give updates & maybe send a picture. Express that you miss her and hope she realizes that she is welcome anytime. I'm assuming she has your phone # and could call. Then the ball is in her court. Also, remember that the more you "chase" the more she may "run".

    I think the problem you are having, OP, is having 2 very different adoption experiences within your family. It's like having 2 kids, and expecting them to be the same. Your kids' birth families are different and you may have to resign yourself to accepting DD's families' "adoption" of your DS. Hugs to you!


    Answer by doodlebopfan at 10:45 AM on Jan. 20, 2010

  • ok wow...u have a wonderful heart. first is it an open adoption did she let it be known she wanted to visit. or did she just want to do nothing, also did she have any drugs..some of these can be factors.. there is only so much u can do to reach out to her...maybe invite her for coffee out just u and her then next time with the child. matbe a pubic place or play ground..does she live far? maybe she cant afford. im a bm and would do what ever it is to see my kids and it is easy if they are still small. i would assume. worse case senirio tell her she has x amount of time to get back to u or ask her what she would want or how she would like to of luck hunny hugs to u and the lil guy xoxo

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:24 PM on Jan. 19, 2010

  • You have a beautiful heart, your post made me cry and it's soo loving of you to think of both your son and his birthmom and to try to make her feel comfortable. I am parents really never have talked to me about any of that, asked if I was interested in seeing her etc. So I never asked, afraid I wouldn't get their support! Good for you. ANON's, dinner etc. sounds like good ideas though

    Answer by Jeda624 at 9:27 PM on Jan. 19, 2010

  •'re amazing, keep up the good work.

    Answer by angevil53 at 9:29 PM on Jan. 19, 2010

  • Yes, it is an open adoption. We both have each others' full names, addresses, and phone numbers. We had agreed on continued contact, but at whatever level she is comfortable with. She has had addiction issues, and I don't know if she has ever stopped using. I would be most comfortable meeting at a place like a mall with a kids' play area and we could have lunch in the food court first, but I did tell her she is welcome in our home. I've just been praying that if she is still using, we'll end up getting together somewhere else in a public place.

    She is really beating herself up over things that cannot be changed. I've never been in her situation, so I can't truly say I understand. I think it would be hard to see him again for a little while, then have to leave.

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 9:51 PM on Jan. 19, 2010

  • I'm too tired to think right now, but as a birthmom, meeting in a public place like a restaurant was always the best option for me - it was more private than the mall, but neutral territory for all of us. I know tomorrow I could think of more, so if you want to pm me, even with other questions, go ahead. My child that I placed just turned 10, and we've been through a lot of things over the years, including my marriage and more kids.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:35 PM on Jan. 19, 2010

  • Sorry, brain's asleep - I'm the last anon poster.

    Answer by 4time-mom at 10:35 PM on Jan. 19, 2010

  • We had a similar time frame as yours right now. She saw him at a week old before we left her state and then not til he was 17 months. The plan was updates and pics but not visits til hew was older and he wanted them. Well thats not what we wanted and we hoped she would like more contact and she did! From the second we left the hospital we called to tell her we have the baby and he's safe and ok, and we haven't stopped talking since. We would have loved to see her anytime but we waited for her to be ready. She called when he was just about 17 months and said I'm coming to NY for the St.Pats parade are you guys going? We weren't going to but of course now we were!!! I wasn't nervous and neither was she until we called and said we were walking up the stairs from the train. We hugged for like 5 mins and from there it was like we saw her yeaterday!! We have seen her since 5 times and even had a weekend at their beach house and...

    Answer by lilsweetpea708 at 9:34 AM on Jan. 20, 2010

  • she has been to our house 2 times for the weekend. Her mom and some family was worried because they thought it would be hard for her to see him and then have him leave again, but she is ok with it. She said she would rather have time with him and be a little sad than not see him at all. He loves her and it is really nice to see her interact with him. Thats why I especially loved when she satys at our house, she does bath and bedtime its very special. Don't give up, I know you won't.....just keep letting her know you want to see her and when she's ready she will do it. The neutral place for the first time is probably the best thing too. Let us know when you have a visit!!

    Answer by lilsweetpea708 at 9:39 AM on Jan. 20, 2010

  • Another friend of mine did a private adoption from birth (2nd child for birth mom, teen and raising the first who was almost 2) and she struggles with drugs and a life of irresponsibility. Part of the problem is the guilt and shame and she just couldn't face her daughter. My amom friend loses contact with the birth mom and tries to reach out when she finds her. It's a struggle, but you can't "make" them want contact. You can be welcoming, non-judmental,, loving, etc, but in the end, it's up to her. More hugs!

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 10:48 AM on Jan. 20, 2010